Why nothing feels right and why we want to leave

It's been awhile ...

It's very seldom that I spoke to someone about matters of the heart, even though I openly share it on Facebook certain times, but just to talk to someone who has been through almost the same situation as you, and who really understands your feelings, it managed to relief myself, just a little.

Nope, I neither openly air dirty laundry or share problems of my CURRENT relationship with other people, FYI. Which relationship doesn't have problems? I can say that the problems we have is nothing major, and i choose to keep it to myself most times. It's hard, but sometimes you just have to.

I'm posting on behalf of the many people who I know, who have been going through the same shit as I do, and is trying hard to rid of any negativity that clouds our mind, our hearts, which eventually affects our relationship. It's not in response to any particular post on Facebook, nor of my fiancé's, in case you decide to just jump to conclusion and assume things which aren't true.

The problem with some guys is that they just refuse to appreciate what they have, especially when they have a partner who is supportive, patient and faithful to them. Irregardless of what we women give them, they either chose to lie, cheat, treat us like ATMs, worst, abuse us. Then there are stupid women like us who are hopeful that their "man" will change over time, because we BELIEVE that change isn't a miracle and it doesn't occur overnight!

Being hopeful of the change (that eventually never comes lol!), requires patience, LOTS N LOTS of patience, we have to remain optimistic (because being negative of all the abuse we got won't change a thing, so we have to suck it up and be the stronger woman and take each day a stride each time), and when you hope, naturally you will be disappointed after some time.

Yes, one question might linger in your mind, "if his treatment is that bad to you, why don't you just fking leave?!"Again I say, we hope that he'll change. There is probably something that we see in that asshole that made us stay, that made us positive. Because we believe that if we can't endure the worst of someone, then we wouldn't deserve the best of him. Because we gave them chances after chances but the asshole just blew it away time after time. And it's only a matter of time before we decide that enough is enough.

And sometimes, when we decide to finally LEAVE, the asshole will cry crocodile tears and promised to change, yadda yadda yadda. Remember when I was engaged with the asshole and found out that he wasn't working for SEVERAL MONTHS? KEYWORD: I FKING FOUND OUT. I called it quits and gave him an ultimatum: Get a fking job by May or get the fuck out of my life. Unfortunately (for me) the asshole managed to find a job (no thanks to me!) and then i was stuck with the asshole and had to endure few more months before I really had to call it quits, goodbye, sayonara, get the fuck out of my life already thanks for wasting my time you lazy ungrateful lying robbing fat motherfucker. Yes I am still that angry with that asshole.

What do you expect, CROCODILE TEARS! The change WILL happen but it's only temporary. When these assholes are already complacent, and when these women are just trying to be happy that the change really happened, these assholes well, decide to revert to the monster that they are. How can we not be disappointed?

And when we finally call it quits, it's not without a price. We leave with a huge scar, our memories tainted with fear, paranoia, hate. We tried to get back into the dating game, but everything just isn't enough. Everything just seems to annoy us. We fear all men to be the same, we fear of having to meet another person who's the exact replica of the past. Having to get to know someone new, without knowing what sort of a person he is. We do not know the real person he is even though we know his friends, we are unaware of the things this new person is capable of.

We leave the previous asshole and we built ourselves a thick wall of protection to shield our hearts from being hurt again. No matter how hard someone tries to break them down, we pile on more layers of bricks to shield our heart, because we just do not want to encounter the same shit again.

Is it not human to feel traumatised (especially when it involves physical abuse), the paranoia that comes after that. Wasting all these years being with the wrong person. Having hopes and subsequently having them dashed.

To the next "gentlemen" who is "unlucky" enough to get women like us as partners, unfortunately you have a large plate to fill, and a difficult one to handle. Especially when you can't really give her what she wants in an instant, you have to go through hell and back just to fulfil her wants and needs and to secure your future together, if you truly love her, you'll endure, just as how she endures being with you even though she has every rights to feel as though she chose the wrong person to be her partner.

No one, I repeat, NO ONE in the right state of mind will be willing to subject themselves to another round of physical and mental torture. There is probably a unique reason why she chose to STICK to you as your partner, and you, the man, better learn to treat her right. Obviously after the bitter experience we would be selfish, we would only bother about our own needs, our own wants, that we will fail to see the good in you, the good you have done, so much so that in the end, you would give up and say that we are ungrateful and unappreciative.

Hah. Guys and their ego. Our past have cloud our mind, the good that you do, if we do NOT see it, it's as good as you NOT DOING ANYTHING at all. Remember we have been lied to? Actions speaks louder than words. No action talk only also no use. Then you'll flare at us for raising up the "sweet talker mother fucker" flag. Probably to you men, not everything have to be shared with your partner, but for us, just sharing the progress of what you've done (or share anything with your partner) is enough to give us a sense of security. We WILL be the most insecure bitches ever. And there's nothing you can do to change that. And when we feel insecure, we tend to have thoughts of leaving. Are we to blame for that?

You know what? We are not sorry for being insecure. Is it wrong to protect our own interest at heart?

We are sorry ...
for having thoughts of leaving.
for easily giving up on you.
for not having the patience to stand whatever obstacle that comes.
for not having the endurance to persevere on.
for not being optimistic enough that some good will come.

Because we have wasted all those patience, the endurance, the optimism, on someone who clearly doesn't deserve it. Sometimes it gets too much for us and we may blurt out that we feel like leaving, but did we? No. Because we still tried to salvage whatever strength that we have left to persevere on, but because of whatever that happened to us, we just ... fall and give up too easily.

Dear men, if you're just unlucky and you've encountered several women like us in your relationship (dates not counted!), and in the end your relationship doesn't last. DON'T BLAME US. Don't blame us because it seems like nothing that you do isn't enough. Blame it on the ex-es that we got! Probably blame it for yourself too (if the problems keep recurring!!!) because you just don't seem to be the best for them. If this shit is repeating over and over for you, take my advice, BE THE BEST FOR YOURSELF, BEFORE TRYING TO BE THE BEST FOR OTHER PEOPLE. If you decide to be an asshole after all this ordeal with broken women, then you have just started the ball rolling and make more women heartless and broken.

Yes, it is frustrating, to know that you have done sooooooo much yet something somewhere just doesn't go well for your woman.  But a fire won't be extinguished by fighting with fire. When your lady lay out the problems on the table, don't flip the table and go on ranting about how your efforts are not seen, or unappreciated. It will always be unfair for you. But take it in a positive stride, if you know that you are NOTHING like her previous ex, if she can love an asshole so much it changed her into a heartless selfish bitch, imagine what she can do for you once you managed to break down her walls by becoming the best person for yourself, and for her. Clearly you haven't seen the best of her now. But you will. I assure you, that you will.

She needs assurance.
She needs comfort.
She needs to see the effort.
She needs to see and feel that you can be the best for her.
She needs to reassure herself that she's not going to go through the same ordeal again.

Too much for you? You should have known better when you opened your heart to love a broken lady.

I'm thinking 'bout how ...

People fall in love in mysteeeerious ways ...

Well it's late night, supposed to be sleeping but I can't, and I let myself indulge in the most ridiculous thoughts. But nope, not tonight.

It struck me, how my current relationship with Fairuz is different from the ex.

Most days, I do admit that I fear history repeat itself. Because, Fai has a looong way to go before reaching his dreams, and somehow I let myself be the woman who'll support her man (again) and in time to come, we'll both reap the benefits that we have sowed for the past few years. But really, that's about it.

I do not have to financially support Fai. I do not have problems trusting Fai. Even if I'm earning 2.5x more than him, I trust him enough to be able to take care of himself, and not misuse the trust given to him. On bad days we'll help each other, but only to a certain extent.

Being with Fai, other than us sharing the same goals we have in the near future, somehow he helps me be a better person. He is dominant, in the right way. For someone like me, who have led others all along, I certainly need someone who is able to guide me, and sometimes, walk alongside me irregardless of the situation. Unlike the ex, who I have to constantly spoonfeed, help, guide, SUPPORT (omg for 4 fucking years i don't and i can't fucking believe it), the ex even got the fucking cheek to talk about religion when all he's been doing is live off a woman LOL sometimes i feel like i'm the one who has a fucking penis.

Okay back to Fai (why am i even ranting about that asshole? ah yes, i still haven't forgiven him.). He may not have everything in the world, but he has qualities in him that is hidden from the world (specifically, the country) that places heavy emphasis on certificates and merit. It amazes me how street smart he is, how he is always full of ideas, and when it comes to mental calculation, he does it better than me, much much much better.

We have our own sideline projects we do on our free time to help ourselves get by. Fai puts in the effort to do HIS OWN research on the things that I can do with my new toy. And yes I am still not revealing what is that new toy. The ex did nothing about it when i showed interest in getting the new toy. And that, was why my plans was shelved for a good 2 to 3 years, until I met Fai, got engaged, decided to take that idea off the shelves and put it to good use. Alhamdulillah, I'm doing good.

That is the sort of effort that I appreciate. I do not ask for anything material because 1- i am not a high maintenance girl, 2- now is not a good time to be a spoilt brat because we're saving up for that big 1 day event just to watch people eat and force ourselves to smile. I am that simple, and Fai knows how to appreciate that.

Fai deals with my ugly inner voices. He doesn't ignore. Yes, I don't deny sometimes the argument may get ugly, but which relationship survives without argument? I'll just take it with a pinch of salt and regard it as an obstacle, one that tests our patience and temper.

It kinda doesn't help that we're some sort of a reflection of each other. Hot tempered, stubborn, and other nice qualities i shall not say because i ... do not self praise myself lol. so when one rages, the other has to be the fire extinguisher.

So much is happening right now that sometimes i do not know where i should start or stop, but i rather it be that way because it keeps my mind off things. My inner voices, they're not something nice. I do not know how to make it stop, but i can only distract it by keeping the mind busy.

Wedding of the year, meh?

So there was this blog post being shared on FB, basically about how some girl DIY-ed her wedding dress, her dais and such, and how she spent minimal amount of money for her wedding.

Well, thing is, her wedding is on 350 pax! Of course, logically, her wedding would cost much less.

Initially I was quite shocked when she quoted her wedding cards to be about $100 (or was it less?), and I thought to myself, "damn, what a good deal she got!" Oh, and her wedding favours too. Baca punya baca, check2, yek eleh, jemputan 350 pax je.

No idea if hers was a combined or separate wedding. I skipped few parts because I kinda kept rolling my eyes as i scrolled down her post (roll eyes but still read. lol~ curiosity at it's best). Well, here's my honest take on her blog post. And because I'm lazy, I shall just command+C and command+V the post I made on facebook. lolx

"Tbh I can't really stand these kind of brides who talk down on the majority of the weddings just because other brides spent ALOT on their weddings and then go broke. And these brides will keep on going "who needs this/that". If you want to compare, compare apple with an apple not an apple with a grape.

Of course you could get your wedding cards n doorgifts for much less because your wedding is only 350 pax. Ouh and you sew your bridal clothes yourself and partial DIY-ed your deco well good for you. Not everyone is as blessed to have family links with wedding vendors.

And the part about spending lavishly on a one day event then go broke, well honey isn't that the NORM for us Malays? Not only wedding la. Typical people will always be willing to spend as long as it's the in thing. In short, biar papa asal bergaya.

Using used papers to make into paper "banks" lol you could have just used your used envelops I'm sure you receive bills in the mail (unless you really don't pay bills la).

I'm not a believer in taking loans just to "justify" a day of grandeur as we sit and watch people eat, force ourselves to smile for photos the whole day. As a fellow BTB i think it's better that instead of talking down on others, we help others in money saving tips or what can be done to reduce costs of wedding expenditures. Blogs like that are quite rare to find. But then again to each his/her own. Not everyone who brags about their grand wedding has their wedding costs sponsored."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not hating her post or what so ever, I just dislike the "stand" she makes. Hey, everyone has their own wedding ideas and dreams, some people don't even have their own say for their wedding, everything must follow what other people wants. I'm one of them but I'm gona rebel rebel rebel!

It's good that she has her close knit of friends and family members to help her DIY her wedding venue. As for me, I don't have much close friends and those I have, I don't think I would want to trouble them to do this and that. And for sure, I do not have any close links to any wedding vendors. SOoo... yea. And do you know that you need an entertainment license to have sound system/DJ? The authorities may just give you a surprise visit, ask you to provide your license, and if you fail to produce it, only two things can happen ...

1 - if the authorities are nice enough, they'll let the "DJ" stay till end of event or ..

2 - the authorities will ask the DJ to leave, and confiscate ALL equipments.

This was an advice from a friend of mine in the entertainment industry. He learnt things the hard way when his equipment was confiscated. His whole rice bowl was gone in an instant, even though it wasn't entirely his fault as he was unaware of the licensing. Not only that, the wedding event also turned sour for the family of the bride/groom.

So a point to note ya future brides and grooms who have yet to engage any DJ/entertainment services.

And as for me ....

I still have yet to decide on anything (I think it was mentioned in my previous post). We agreed not to talk about it until the time is right. I don't mind but it's always the external pressure from other people that makes me panic and frustrates me for no reason.

But if i DOOOO manage to cut costs here and there, i'll definitely be sharing it on my blog, instead of talking down on other brides spending sooo much for a one day event (when it's not even their money) hahaha ... In Shaa Allah, my wedding will all be paid for on my own because I've been insisting to pay everything for myself even though my parents offered to pay for catering. But it's okay... My parents are retired so they should be enjoying their fruits of labour and I shouldn't burden them further, even if they can afford it.

Till next time, toodles~

But I'm only human ...

My 4 years of bitter experience with the ex taught me so many things, but at the expense of me constantly being buried under heaps of insecurities of paranoia. I didn't ask to be this way, I didn't ask to have feelings. Somehow I feel like it's wrong for me to have feelings.

Like you said, you also had your fair share of your bitter past. Everyone has their own stories that they shudder to even recall. But everyone handles their problems differently. Just because you can handle your past with such calmness, with aid of prayers, doesn't mean the outcome will be the same for others.

I didn't ask or beg for you to understand me, because I don't understand myself at times either. I can safely say that I have let the past go, but is it wrong for me to feel paranoid and afraid that the past will repeat itself?

My issues with parents, they are ongoing, I can never change that fact, I can never change their mindset. I'm learning to deal with it, learning to just suck it all in and pretend nothing ever happened.

If you ask me how's my wedding preparations are going, I can tell you, nothing has been done or settled. I have less than 2 years to go till the big day, and now I can only just say, tentatively, I have less than 2 years left till I become someone's Mrs. That heart wrenching feeling i have in my heart when i now have to say the word "tentatively". Tentatively okay, not even "In Shaa Allah".

I didn't lost my mood when talking about the wedding. I lost my mood when I get thrown redundant questions, and then all the accusations. And then you ... you had to say you didn't want to talk about it. You make me feel like I'm a burden. I didn't stop you from focusing on school. I didn't stop you from spending your money.

I don't know what people want from me. I tried so hard to be the best for myself. I tried so hard not to be a burden to anyone financially. Because i learnt that money is the root of all evil. Guess I still haven't found someone who could really take me for who I am, inside and out. The voices in my head, the paranoia, the insecurities, the past that constantly haunts because I fear having to go through the same ordeal again.

You make me doubt myself.

I know you've your hands full with work, prospin, soon school, having to save up for the big day. I trust you enough that you know what you're doing but if it's wrong for me to clarify then just say so. Breaking off from the previous engagement was hard enough for me and I assume it was also hard for my parents as well as they had to ask for second opinions from other people about the situation I was in. I can say that they've pinned hopes on you to take care of me in the near future and I could understand if they're constantly asking about whether the dates have been confirmed.

I don't mind having to settle everything on my own but when it comes to wedding, it sure needs two hands to clap. I don't know who to open up to because I didn't want to blurt out about the problems we have. Here I am trying my very best to save your face even though we seldom have arguments but when we DO have one it's something major.

My facebook posts have been generic. Assholes would assume they're constantly about you but those close to me knows better. I'm not sure when you'll come across this post, but when you do, please don't flare up.

I have about 1 hour till end of shift and I'm not looking forward to knock off from work. I have such a sad life I know.

I'm just left speechless.

New toy!vi

It's been probably a month since i've gotten my hands on my new toy. Quite hesitant to blog or share about it openly because that's gonna be how i'm earning my extra income soon in time to come. I've been having sleepless nights and days (yes, sleepless days on days I'm having my night shifts), because the brain juice just keeps on flowing non-stop!

well this was one of my first few projects. in fact, this was my first project for someone else. just a normal "couple" sticker that they can stick anywhere they want. but i'm guessing this is for their helmet? heh~

i had an ongoing project, basically a scrapbook for fiance's birthday. it was almost done, TILL I SPILT COFFEE ON THE WHOLE SCRAPBOOK. gone, everything gone ... to .. waste. slowly repeating everything, will post up the final piece once it's done, and by the time it's done, i guess i'll present it as an anniversary gift for le fiance lah. hahaha

i'm still pretty much secretive over what i'm having. and i doubt i'll spill the beans to anyone. if you know what it is, then good for you. otherwise, don't bother.

i spent the last 2+ or maybe 3 years studying this machine. yes, that long. i was also contemplating whether i should get the toy or if it's not going to be worth my money. in the end, finally made the decision to get the toy! bought lots of papers to experiment on. but...

I FAILED MISERABLY. the machine sort of turned into a shredding machine and shredded my paper away. boo!

but it's okay. i shall not give up!

gonna post more of my work here (if i'm not too lazy to blog hahah)

oh yes, this machine is also going to be the MAIN thing that's gonna help me customize stuffs for my wedding!

I CAN'T WAIT! getting married in less than 24 months!!!

#yuzzue23 sounds abit weird. gonna brainstorm for more hashtags lah. i think my neighbour already had #fzweds. aiyah. later hashtag fzweds on IG then all the old photos come out. not swee not swee. must be original laa. hehehe

sorry. i mentel sikit. danak jadi kakak-kakak kahwin kan. but honestly, haven't felt the wedding jitters YET. but may it me a smooth journey for me. In Shaa Allah, Fairuz is gonna be my last. (:

Pent up anger.

Sometimes i wished i'm eloquent enough to put my emotions in words, words that actually made sense. I guess throughout all these years all that i've been doing is actually just keeping myself busy and running away from reality.

I am torn apart between having to appreciate and be grateful for what i have now, knowing that i'm adopted from another family, that the parents i have now manage to provide me shelter and food, and spend thousands up till i graduate from polytechnic.

But i'm also torn apart between having to constantly listen to their demands and conforming to their ideologies up till this day. What am i? 15? Reality is setting in now that i'll be turning 26 in 7 months time and still be treated like a schoolkid.

You know how i feel? I feel suffocated. I just hope wedding preparations start soon enough to keep myself very busy and take my mind away from all these thoughts.

Sometimes i don't know how to elaborate how i'm feeling. It's just a repetitive cycle, feelings that i constantly pent up and flare up at the most random timings. Which is probably why i dread the thought of being alone on my off days. Unfortunately, i've accidentally got myself accustomed to fiance's presence. Too accustomed that i get frustrated that no one's there with me when i most needed him.

I grew up one angry kid. Till now, i'm still pretty much an angry girl. I am angry for letting others control my life since young. And i'm angry that it still hasn't stopped even after working full time for 6 years. I support my ownself now. Sometimes i wish i could just adopt the western mentality and move out, stay on my own and learn the struggles on my own. I know i'll struggle for abit especially with the household chores but i know for sure that i'll be able to cope.

I don't deny that i constantly have thoughts to run away from home. It's childish enough that i still have that thoughts at 26. But what kept me from doing so is, having to be "appreciative and grateful" towards my adoptive parents.

Hais.

I wish people would understand why i'm constantly having mood swings but i guess it won't be of much help. There's too much on my mind and it's bad enough that well... i'm quite deprived of freedom.

That feeling when you see your friends out enjoying with their friends. I'm human too you know. I need to relax. To destress. But all that i have now isn't just helping. And what did i even do till people have to constantly doubt whatever you say? Which was why i'm done trying to explain myself.

There's still alot. I just can't find the right words to say. It breaks me. But i still find ways to pull my shit together and ignore the feelings. Because it's ongoing, i can never run away totally from them.

Hais.

Because it's our first trip together!

11 March 2015

Our first trip together as fiancé and fiancée. The trip was planned many months before but bookings were only made in the beginning of february. Initially i thought of just cancelling the plan due to financial restrictions but i guess everybody needs that much deserved break.

Also my first time flying by budget. Took the 7am JetStar flight to Bali. Had an annoying indian family sitting at the seats infront of me. You know how annoying their kids can be right? But the parents are 10x more annoying than the kids! I felt claustrophobic as well. Flew by budget before but that's on scoot. Shan't really say scoot is really budget but it's definitely much more comfy as compared to Tiger, AirAsia and JetStar.

Touched down at Denpasar, Ngurah Rai airport and took a cab to our hotel. Paid IDR150000 to transport ourselves to Kuta Angel Hotel (didn't know we can haggle further though). Enquired with them 2 days before if we could check in early since we'll be arriving Denpasar at 1030-ish in the morning, and we could!

Fast forward, took a rest, woke up in time to find a place to eat our lunch. Apparently, nasi padang generally equates to halal muslim food in Kuta. Shan't elaborate much about the lunch experience because after that a so called "good samaritan" who showed us the way to the nasi padang stall, conned us over SGD170 just to buy 3 shirts and 2 shorts. Idiot~ Walked around whilst waiting for the time to pass. It was close to 11pm that the other 6 of my friends reached the hotel since 4 of them took the 5+pm KLM flight.

Then the actual planning starts. Though I shall say it wasn't really a successful plan since most of the days we're just the four of us going here and there. Heheh.

It's not over until it's over

I thought the engagement is already a done deal. But no. Further commotion ensued based on people's judgements and opinions.

In the first place, I did NOT ask for anyone to prepare food or bring this or that. One aunt cook one type of dish eh? I SPECIFICALLY SAID that i'll fork out money to order in food. But no. People thought that i'm giving my guests Nasi Bungkus to eat! eh hello! got such thing called catering kan?! Less hassle less cleaning of ceramic wares after the event is over. BUT NOOOOOOOO need to cook need to make kuih need to make this need to make that. At the end of the day, I GET THE BLAME?! For being lazy? For not helping out clean the house?

Like hello? Do i NOT need to rush to work afterwards? It was bad enough I had to wait more than 30 minutes for a friggin taxi. And i get the blame for not discussing with my parents about the food. wah! blood boiling already. When in first place i already reiterated my intention to just cater food, the mother insisted NO NEED LAH MASAK YANG SIMPLE2 AJE TAKPE NANTI IBU PEGI PASAR BELI BARANG blablablablabla.

Second thing, people were slamming me for scolding my niece & nephew. It's like, "kau dah tahu budak tu memang suka kepo2 masok bilik orang kenapa kau marah2 budak tu?" BLOOD BOILING again. Okay I know I haven't have any children of my own yet so i don't understand what it's like to deal with kids. But I do babysit my little cousin waaay back then okay? He's a naughty boy TETAPI dengar kata. I realized that he doesn't listen when we raise our voices on him but instead will do his best to behave when we talk to him nicely.

Ok picture this. I don't engage a MUA to do my make up. I only had my two cousins to help me. And this little mak nenek keep bugging me to ask to see my make up stash. And keep bugging for this and that. You're getting engaged. You're not really an expert in makeup. As much as you try to keep your cool, you will eventually lose your patience. When you've already clearly said that mak nenek cannot play laptop, only to find mak nenek dengan muke sardine amek macbook aku macam tu harta mak dia and play, tak trip? sabaaar je kan. sabaaar je. hari aku niee, tak bagus jadi she-hulk (inside joke). if you know me and my temper, and if you know what was really happening, you would know that i have been patient. But thing is, you don't even know me, and you go on passing such remarks?

And whilst in my parents room when fai's family already came over, this mak nenek just cannot stop talking. Even when i nicely ask her to keep quiet nanti boleh continue bobal k bibik nak dengar what they talking outside. Noooooooo must fight back. Then i snarkly question her if she seriously cannot keep her mouth shut in school when the teacher is talking and she boasted that she's the monitor in her class. ironic. cannot keep mouth shut still can become monitor? aku diam je. budak kecik kan, takkan nak bobal kurang ajar depan dia. and there's one moment they were playing around the bed and the bedsheet slide off and the cake NEARLY FELL OFF THE BED. PANIC ATTACK! who won't panic and shout you tell me??!

I don't understand why my extended family members just can't adopt the "live and let live" mentality. nooo. must say this must say that. must compare this must compare that. the event dah over kan, sudah lah.

I wonder if other people's engagement went smoothly and ended on a happy, seriously happy note. no after event drama or scuffle.

makes me think twice on getting a SINGLE family member involved in my wedding preparations. Anyone think it's possible?

Alah. bukan nye mintak sponsor pon. Insyallah if everything goes as planned i'll be able to raise the funds by end of the year.

Your's Truly is engaged!

Alhamdullillah everything is all settled. The lady who put the ring on me is the veteran lady Sanisah Huri! Yeapp, she's Fai's aunt. Was very nervous and honestly, I was struggling to put my make up on because I usually just put on powder, draw on my eyebrows then I'm good to go! No lippies no blushers no contouring all that crap. Had an annoying niece bugging and getting in my way when i was getting ready i was soooo struggling to keep my cool and she had to trip my wire right before Fai's side reached my place. And to my surprise, Fai's side came with gifts! Ah ni la, everything also want to keep a secret right. From simple become like this. Didn't manage to eat much after that.

Mama gave me this kek gula hangus as a gift for me. I SPECIFICALLY SAID I WANTED THAT ALL FOR MYSELF BUT NOOOOOOOO MY AUNT HAVE TO CUT AND DISTRIBUTE TO EVERYONE ELSE AND SET A SMALL PORTION FOR ME. I WAS FUCKING TAMPING I TELL YOU. dah lah susah nak cari! nak buat pon leceh! sukasuka aje! Only managed to eat abit of the kek gula hangus, ONE CUPCAKE and not even a bite of the cake sey! ANGRY YOU KNOW.

Whatever la. Changed and set off to work. Didn't even remove the make up on my face. My house was literally like a fish market. Can't even move around freely. And I overheard a particular aunt went like "eeeehhh keje important!" macam aku nak menjawab je kan, yang dia tu tak bayar gaji aku. And I don't really take MC for fun nowadays. besides it's unfair for my other teammates as well since it's the CNY period. Usually if i had a family event going on I'll just attend for the sake of attending then leave for work. I get questioned for always being at work but what can i do? This is the life of a shift worker. I only have weekends off on ALTERNATE MONTHS and most times if i have a weekend off, I'll get called back to work to cover people on leave or on MC.

I can't stand these kind of people seriously. Like the fuck do i owe you a friggin' living?

Some people should really learn to mind their own business. And when giving advices to people, please make sure your hands are clean of any dirt.

Whatever it is, the event went as planned and next on line is my big day. WHEEEE~

Because.. chaos

As much as i wanted the engagement to be a small and SIMPLE event, i need to emphasize on the word SIMPLE. I don't mind putting on extra make up and dress up extra nice for the engagement, but I guess my parents and relatives are much more excited about the engagement than me.

The initial plan was to just order catering food for everyone, since I'll be heading to work immediately after the event finish, and i will definitely get remarks such as "MC sudah" or "asal kene keje? asal tak amek cuti?"

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO must cook must ask aunty A do this ask aunty B do that ask aunty C bring this bring that.

Another thing that made me pissed of is that, me and Fai agreed not to have any gift exchange but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO must get this must get that. And best part, "DON'T TELL FAI." ah yelah, madang everything also want to keep a secret. hah~

And when I flare up and say that all this isn't necessary, what do i get? People say that i am UNGRATEFUL and NOT THANKFUL for the efforts people WILLING to put in for my second engagement since the first one was a total flop.

Look man, i don't even fucking care? It's just an engagement anyway. Not a biggie to me. Don't understand the commotion these people have to create.

Tough luck being a malay. Culture this culture that. Ah culture lah sangat. Menyusahkan.

The day he said he's gonna get me a ring

Wazaah!

in my previous post i mentioned about no longer being someone's girlfriend in the near future, but i really meant i'm going to get married! The boy and i didn't plan on getting engaged mainly because we didn't want to spend alot of money to get engaged. Besides, i don't wear rings anyway.

But tadaaa! Fai suddenly jio-ed me to go "look for my ring". Previously we did went to look around for a ring but there were no intentions to buy one, just scouting and looking at rings, which majority doesn't really appeal me lah.

Yeah, am quite a tomboy and most things ladylike don't really please my tastes.

Maybe it's just me or are the staffs at Meyson much more hospitable and friendly as compared to other jewellery shops? The ring i got for my previous engagement was also bought from Meyson and i remembered getting the same treatment from the staffs even though it's from a different outlet.

The salesperson took out all sorts of rings but none, i repeat NONE appeals me. White gold, rose gold, gold, NONEEEEE. i was laughing the whole time idky i was just excited shy idk what i was feeling but it's just that feeling like you have butterflies in your stomach because you're taking another step forward with your partner i just can't.

And then the lady took out one cute tiny ring. Mana punya kecik lah kan tangan aku. I immediately liked it because it's in d shape of a flower! Not something most women probably want for their engagement because i'm not someone who loves blingbling protruding diamonds and all. But they have to send it to the workshop because my finger is a size 10! Have to wait for a few days to collect the ring.

Just like that, zue is a happy girl. Fai is excited as well.

Though to be honest, i didn't want all this for now. Because i don't want to put pressure on him, especially now that he is struggling with his finance... all because of his bike.

So please dear yuna, shan & aky, stop making problems for us now can?

and yes, we name our bikes. Shan and Aky is mine whereas Yuna is fai's.

Because we are taking baby steps ...

It dawned on me lately that i still have the past stashed somewhere in the cyber world. Slowly recovering all the passwords of all the social media sites i used to have back then, and deleting everything with *hashtagzuedengansidiertu* . I hate mentioning his name nowadays, FYI.

I'll no longer be someone's girlfriend sometime in the near future, and I am definitely looking forward to it, albeit feeling all nervous and shit. Hopefully this won't start to be a kakak-kakak kahwin blog (hehehe) but i'll try to update about everything or anything I can (when i have time), even though my life's pretty mundane to be truthfully honest.

All work and no play makes Jill a boring soul.

And I am definitely looking forward to bali! 37 more days to our first trip together! Why bali again? because going Bali for 4 days isn't enough! especially when one day is gone due to flight delays!

From bitch fits to I couldn't care any less

Okay yes I admit that I'm the biggest procrastinator and probably the laziest at planning for things but  seriously when there's other people involved I would go into a bitch fit when things gets SO UNCERTAIN and still unplanned and the dates gets nearer.

So much of a bitch fit ... omg I can't imagine how my bitch fits can get when I'm actually planning for my own big day lol

I'm generally quite a selfish person. But there's this thing about me that just keeps on giving in and giving in and giving in. I wonder who i got this trait from TBH. I guess it's just me because I'm the only child since 1998?

I rather get things done ASAP rather than dilly dally and then panic for no apparent reason. But now it has gotten to a point whereby "oh, if have, have lah. don't have, source other options loh". It pisses me off how life just constantly bites us in the ass. As for me and F, our bikes decided to throw in the towel and get problematic 1 week apart from each other. Just like that, our financial planning has gone haywire.

I'm kinda seriously having doubts on going Bali, but neither do i want to spend my annual leave just staying home. but i guess better bali than KL. double confirmed with F if he still insists on going Bali because I'm worried about him eating grass for the rest of the month if we still decide to go ahead with the plan. Another reason why we should have booked everything in advance or when there's promos going on.

Bali's probably going to be one and the only trip for 2015 before we start on serious savings, scrimp n save scrimp n save for everything and anything that we can save on. *sulks*

i hate the feeling of feeling so excited for something but i just need to keep it to myself because there will be people who constantly have something to say against me and who just can't stop judging other people. okay i know your life is so perfect i can't.

or maybe you're just jealous.

trust.

sometimes i wonder what else i should do in order to get the trust i needed. sometimes i wonder what did i do in the past to deserve this kind of treatment. i don't see how going home late is a sign of immaturity. i don't see how praying 5 times a day and putting on the hijab automatically makes one a righteous or pious person.

i will change, but i won't show.

i don't see a point in proving to people i've changed by telling or showing them that i'm praying, or telling the whole godamn world how deep is my knowledge of Islam. Call me naive, call me shallow, I have my own ways. And yes, i know that some of you will say that I have, no, I NEED to change now before it's too late.

One thing for sure, I don't see how fulfilling my obligations as a Muslim will have THEM trust me. You see, not everyone who PRAYS can be trusted. I just don't understand how screwed THEIR minds have become. It's frustrating, too frustrating to be thinking about it, but yet I can't help myself or stop myself from thinking about it because it is THIS issue that suffocates me each and every single friggin' time.

Pardon me for looking back at the past but just take THE EX FIANCE for an example. Prays, preaches, but LOOK AT HIS GODAMN SELF. Can he be trusted? Is he even RELIABLE? Is he RESPONSIBLE? Is he HONEST? Is he HARDWORKING? No fucking bloody fucking NO.

It's because of people like him, I used to start losing it. I lost faith. Especially back on 17 November 2013, ahh yes my birthday (such an irony) when someone proudly proclaim, "I don't go for material or wealth, I think of the afterlife (akhirat)"..

*KRIIICKKK ... KRIIICKKK* dalam hati aku EYY ISAPBUAH SIAL!!!

But because I know God exist, religion exist, i held myself back. I may not be a good practicing Muslim, but i believe that I'll somehow find my own path one day. And now that I have Fairuz, we'll both work on this together, for the best of ourselves and the family that we'll build together.

Change need not be drastic, it can be gradual. What matters is you give yourself, you give others a chance to prove that they can change. What matters is that you provide the space for others to grow with the change, you give others the motivation they need because it's hard to go through change alone.

Like the Malay saying goes,
"tak susah jadi jahat, tak senang nak jadi baik." basically, it's EASY to dwindle into the wrong path but its very hard for you to change into a better person. Always remember every Saint has a past and that every sinner has a future.

Hopefully I still can salvage every ounce of patience left in me to endure whatever that I'm going through.