So much things have happened of late, and it has been draining me physically, mentally and emotionally. But what happened over the last week, that was the last straw.
Before judging, let me get this straight...
I am thankful for being adopted into this family. A luxury that i couldn't have gotten in my biological family. I am thankful for being raised enough with proper education and upbringing. I am thankful that even though i am adopted, that i know my background and i know where i came from, i know who my real families are...
But i grew up, searching for my own identity. I questioned myself many times, since i was 7 or 8, regarding who i really am. Maybe i was still young to understand or remember anything, but i clearly remembered seeing a different name on my health booklet when i was in primary One.
"Nurzulaiha Binte Bahari".
I was still young... and i asked why is my name different. Trained to write my name as "Nurzulaiha Ya'akof", then why was my name Nurzulaiha Binte Bahari instead? No answer was given. The next year, on the next health checkup schedule, it was a NEW health booklet. This time, my name was reflected as "Nurzulaiha Ya'akof". Was I adopted? I did ask.
"No... you are our daughter... you live with us right?" And being a young kid, i believed them. But more questions came to my head. Why do i NOT have a BINTE in my name like all other every Ali, Siti and Minah have? And as years go by my father will refuse to let me "salam" him when he has his ablution on, and i'm wondering, WHY? Why can't i salam my supposedly OWN father?
No one really knows how i was being the subject of ridicule back then. I was even scolded by my religious teacher to write my name properly. Just because i missed out the "binte" in my name.
I grew up being bullied. The problem is, each time i got bullied, i will fight back, which was why I ended up as "the naughty one". My parents will scold me instead, because they weren't convince i was bullied.
I had totally no recollections of my childhood. Other than me breaking my arm, and getting whatever i want, i have zero recollections of my supposed happy childhood.
Regarding identity... i was still young but i constantly questioned myself why can't i turn out like the others? Why can't i fit in with the rest? Why?
It got worse after my brother, the only sole son of my adopting parents, passed away. I felt so distant, like i couldn't connect at all with my parents. Then slowly, the criticisms swarmed in.
So much criticisms, that i got really afraid of failure. Because i was being brought up to respect the elders, i kept my mouth shut. I pretended not to hear but i hear everything. Why the comparisons? What did i do wrong? Who am i being compared with? Why am i being put on the same position as certain people?
So much of these voices in my head when i was young. Too much for me to take in. Growing up with loneliness. Growing up being put on a tight leash. But i don't blame my parents. I know they did it for a reason. But to have people constantly doubt you, doubt your capabilities, having to always go along with their wishes, is this what life is for?
I have been compared academically, behavioural wise, my circle of friends. Simply said... even though since 1998 i grew up having being the only child in the family, i just... turned out different from everyone else. I was rough, i took a liking for football, got into NCC as a CCA, i was simply this lazy kid who sits at the back of the class, sleeping most of the time or creating a nuisance for others. Best part is, who i was back then wasn't even influenced by whoever i mingled around with. I couldn't... i simply just couldn't connect with any of my relatives at all.
What i overheard since young...
"Perangai sama macam kakak dia" but wasn't i the only child?
When it comes to academics...
"oh .. EM2.. ok la tu"
"huh? Express? Boleh ke handle?"
"yek eleh pandai sangat la tu" when i took triple pure science and additional mathematics
Every single thing i do, just doesn't seem to please anyone concerned. Even when i brought back some A's for my results, it doesn't seem to make people be proud of my capabilities. Maybe their treatment towards me is different? Maybe it's not something worth to be proud of? You know.. sometimes... i don't ask for my accomplishments to be bragged about, but words of encouragement will surely help.
To me... life... is not all about money. Money does pay the bills, buys you anything, but it's not the true source of happiness. I know my strength isn't in academics, i'm definitely not booksmart. There were things in life I wish i could do, like honing my skills in football, unfortunately, i do not have the support for that. Even in polytechnic, being part of SP's skate club just for their inline hockey sessions didn't materialize because i was unable to attend their training sessions which stretches till night time. I even have an earful for coming back from freshman orientation camp late.
Of course, in my teens, i've had my fair share of my rebellious days. I shall not touch on that but i'm glad with whoever who i came across because THEY taught me the meaning of life. It's through these group of people that i learnt that life isn't all rosy. They taught me to be humble, to not judge someone based on their looks, their education, career.
But that doesn't change the fact that my relationship with my adopting parents just gets distant, because we do not share the same views. I hate it when my parents start passing judgemental and derogatory remarks on a certain group of people who don't live their lives according to my parents expectations. In short, they look down on the group of people the community will easily pass off as social trash.
I found out... i finally found out i was adopted when i was 17. Shocked? Surprised? I didn't know how to react. I didn't even know what i should do. I wasn't even shown the way. Left out on my own. No one else knows about my knowledge of my status as an adopted child. But since then, it was all too easy for my parents to easily say "go back to your mom in Serangoon!!!" each time i did something which displeases them.
About 1 or 2 years later, my biological father passed away. It was chaos. Accusations and blames were thrown all over. Again, i didn't know how to react. My father is gone, and i haven't got the chance let him hear me calling him "abah".
Since then... my life hasn't really been a peaceful one. Whatever i did wrong, will reflect on me getting all the attributes from my real siblings. Oh ya, in my biological family, I'm the 4th child out of 5th, after my 2 elder brothers, 1 elder sister and 1 younger sister. No one really stood up for me. Yea, my hot temper probably drove my cousins away, and I was quite an anti-social kid in the family to be honest. There is definitely something that I do, irregardless of right or wrong, that will trigger someone to say things to put me down.
But i used all that criticisms to build myself up. But in the midst of pushing and motivate myself, it really affected me, mentally. It's easy to tell me that i shouldn't let words get into my head. But enough is enough. If i speak out for myself then i'll be deemed as disrespecting the elders. I build myself up and i fall, repeatedly.
The period after i finished my last semester in Singapore Polytechnic was hell. I couldn't find a proper job. Just surviving on fortnightly pays at my part time job as a delivery rider. Even that, was being commented on.
Yes, some people just simply couldn't keep their mouths shut. But not everyone who is exposed to this kind of verbal torment can easily brush it off and not let things affect them emotionally. I do know where i stand. I do know i am adopted. Please, just stop... comparing me... with my siblings... with your children... I'm not perfect, neither are you or your children.
I was in depression. I had no one to turn to. I kept to myself most times. I refused to talk to anyone, not even my parents. The "adoption" word is still deemed to be a taboo topic, sensitive to most, and i try my very best to keep whatever i feel to myself. I did broke down once. I questioned people around me, WHY ME? WHY NOT MY YOUNGER SISTER? WHY ME?!!! WHY WAS I ADOPTED? WHY WASN'T I JUST BEING ABORTED BACK THEN? No amount of reassurance can help me heal my emotional pressures.
Every now and then i feel like i'm being a jinx to anyone close to me. No PokéMon puns intended but i really do feel like a jinx. I bring the badluck to anyone who tries to be close with me. Like i'm not worth for someone to stand up and defend me when i wasn't in the wrong.
I feel like i'm being brought into this world, INTO another family since birth, just to please and appease everyone else. EVERYONE ELSE BUT MYSELF. I'm sorry i can't be whatever everyone expect me to be. That i don't turn out as well as people expect me to be just because i was being raised up by another set of parents. It's time that these people realize that I'm a free spirit that shouldn't be put on a leash to control me, but to cut the slag so that i can utilize whatever is in me to bring myself up to my full potential.
Even right now, I wish... i really wish i could fight for my own happiness. i tried to fight for my own happiness, i did. But i failed. I failed to convince people around me about the happiness that I am fighting for, because they only see things from their point of view, and expect things to turn out the way they want it to be. Again, lying to myself just to appease everyone else around me. How i thought i had things in MY favour when suddenly the tables were turned against me.
Right now, I'm having a relapse. But this time i didn't endure with sleepless nights and days, but i'm just sleeping ... and sleeping ... and sleeping ... i just refuse and can't seem to wake up. It's the only time when my mind will be at ease, i don't have to hear these voices in my head that is constantly amplified throughout the day when i'm awake. But even when i'm constantly asleep, is also another problem to some people. I am not a sleeper. I don't sleep well even when was a teenager. Yes i do have problems waking up in the morning for school, even now i still do have problems waking up for morning shifts, but i just need at least 2 to 4 hours of sleep to function properly. Sleeping is the only way to make me escape reality. I have to drag myself to work. If given a choice i would rather coop myself up in bed and cry myself to sleep. But i know i don't have that luxury of choice to not work.
But when i spoke of the word depression, to most people who knows me, i'm just over-reacting, over thinking. But whatever is in my head, only Allah knows. I'll always... always pray that i'll be given the strength to overcome these, but it seems like i need the extra help for the third time. Again, i know, words are just words, just brush it off and don't let it affect you. IF only it's easy as it seems. If only my brain has an Alt+Ctrl+Del function, i'll gladly do so.
My heart is simply, dead as i speak. Suicidal thoughts are constantly in my mind though i had to force it off my head as a Muslim. I snapped. Someone triggered the insanity button. I couldn't face all this torments any longer. The hatred towards someone for putting me mentally through hell. The exhaustion of growing up having to please people around me, the frustration of not being good enough. I'm tired. I'm seriously tired. The only consolation i get from my life for my ownself is me being able to ride a bike. A dream job that is within my reach but i couldn't make it a reality because it's an "arduous and strenuous job for a lady".
You see... my life is constantly dictated. Please don't tell me and say people around me care for me. I am not selfish or stupid, i know my parents care for me, too caring and overprotective over a free spirit like me. But this mask i'm wearing, the same mask i wear since i was 7, is wearing out. I know i should feel lucky, grateful, thankful, but is all that supposed to be in exchange for them dictating me in whatever i do? even to the extend of threatening me for wanting to choose my happiness? The happiness that is supposed to be a lifetime affair?
I'm too crushed with whatever that happened. And it crushed further last night.
The only thoughts that i have right now, is that i probably got my perseverance from my biological mother. Even though me and her couldn't connect to each other because I was taken away from her ever since I was born, maybe from afar, her perseverance in accepting my loss has help me persevere whatever that I was thrown with since young.
To that soul who manage to hurl all those "kind" words at me to put me down, thank you and congratulations you have manage to break me. I hope you're satisfied with what you had managed to do. I forgive you for whatever you said. But that doesn't change the fact that you have turned me into a senseless, heartless human being. Thank you for again bringing out the beast in my head. Thank you because of your wonderful words, it made me strong, but no longer now. The voices are too loud i can't hear myself.
Thank you Allah for giving me the strength to go through your trials even though i had no one to stand up for me all these while....
