I'm so angry that I feel that if you're not going to at least put in the effort, then just don't be there at my wedding. I'm trying to find time to bring my parents shop for their outfit, but I'm always called for overtime or just too tired to go out in the afternoon.
You own a car. You just need to find the time to go to places that sells cloths to find the colour that you need, DUH. Don't bullshit me that the colour i requested is hard to find okay. I personally went around to look for the particular colour and i literally go bonkers because i feel like having each and every shade of them because they're so pretty like that.
Worst comes to worst, there is always ready made dresses. BANYAK okay. Pat JB, go lah when free. If lazy to drive across the causeway, there is Poplook.com . It has the colour that i want. I know i know, mengada-ngada kan? But peduli apa, my hari what.
And as for the guys, KORANG JANGAN NAK TIPU. Uniqlo ada. aku bukan mintak korang pakai baju bunga2 ke ape. It's just a plain coloured shirt. Which you can eventually use at other times if you're not a bunga2/wak jawa kind of person.
So am i not being compromising enough? Am i being difficult? TOO DIFFICULT?
Please, if you feel that you can't find the colour, or can't seem to find the time to hunt for it, please drop me a text so I can help get the cloths for you, AT YOUR OWN EXPENSES.
On a sidenote, I need contacts for a reliable tailor based in SG. I don't think i'm brave enough to drive across the causeway without fiance sitting next to me. Besides, F doubles up as my talking GPS and helps me utilize Google maps because I can't multitask whilst driving (and hey, it's an offence to use the phone whilst driving yo!)
Please lah, i want this episode to be over. I'm technically only left with my bridesmaids and parents. And oh, i have yet to personally go over my biological mom's house to ask them to be a part of my wedding. Becaaaauseee, even though they didn't raise me up since i was a newborn, the least i could do is invite them and be part of my big day, as one big family.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Saturday, February 20, 2016
This Mental Exhaustion
Any Tom, Harry & Jane who knows me, will not believe what I'm actually going through, because, yeah, I look normal. I probably look the least troubled, hey what not with a stable career, not much commitments, parents who are thankfully still healthy.
Sometimes I don't know if having the strength to persevere, endure, the strength to motivate myself when things around me seems to be crumbling slowly, is a good thing or otherwise. It definitely took a toll on me over the years.
I am not someone who is able to express her feelings verbally, probably because I'm the only child, my parents and me have this generation gap due to our age difference and that my parents aren't really exposed to what kids/teenagers nowadays do, and we can seldom communicate our message across.
It was a long journey. And a relapse is definitely not something I need, or want.
My "angels" back then when i was growing up came in the form of teachers. I had two, one in primary school and the other when i was in secondary one. I had not much recollection of my time in primary school, other than the fact that i had been constantly bullied, scolded for not scoring well, criticised for various reasons. Mrs James, I remembered her name. No one liked her, she spoke funny (indian accent, what do you expect), but really she's a nice lady. Somehow back then I didn't know who to talk to, I wrote her a note, she noticed a concern for attention through my writings and became this motherly figure for me in school, but not for long, because then i had to sit for my PSLE and then left primary school for good.
Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if my brother was still around. I didn't liked having to live with a stranger in my house, even though he's just an uncle. The amount of anger i had was immense.
Secondary school. Nothing much changed. Though i have to admit I did have a problem fitting and blending in. I have a wonderful teacher in secondary one, we had journal writing. It was very helpful for me as well. And so happens the same teacher also taught my class science, which then instilled this curiosity for science, and chemistry. I did well for science, but only in secondary one. But then again, she had to leave for Henderson secondary. Glad that i'm still in touch with her on facebook, oh, the power of social media. Ms Kristina Chandran, the teacher who i laughed at when she fell in the biology lab, but who also helped me get through my early teenage years.
Secondary school was hard. Every year I had to endure torments from outsiders. From people who constantly tried to pull and drag me down, who doubts my capabilities, who thinks i cheat in exams, who gets red eyed when i still manage to stay in the express stream, who, are at a disbelieve that i was doing triple pure science and additional mathematics. I'm just down there like, what did i do wrong to these people till they have so much hate?
But there i am, keeping quiet, trying to ignore all the negativities, the condescending remarks. But I had a problem, I couldn't be left alone. I would constantly cry to myself, and even cry myself to sleep. I wished I didn't exist, I wished I wasn't born.
Polytechnic life was another vicious cycle. I did what I did because I had to. Then I found out that I was adopted when my biological father passed away. I was 18. Wham! More drama ensued. I guess some people have the disability to think that for a person my age, certain things are too much for me to take in.
Dramas. Fighting this battle in myself, fighting the battle with outsiders. I told myself, i need to heal. i need to heal. i need to be okay. i hated the counselling sessions. i hate having to eat medications on time, and regularly. I may seem to appear normal, but it wasn't easy.
By the time i "saw the light at the end of the tunnel" I already had one foot in into the working world. Hey things wasn't so bad initially. But if you knew me for the past 6 years then you would have known how much i "suffered".
By then i was off from the shits i was prescribed. I told myself to just think positive, but it wasn't so easy. Sometimes i just gave up and told myself that i'm simply jinxed, and that i'm better off dead. I still think that way up till this day, i constantly have suicidal thoughts. I had to have a clear mind, but i have none of it. I can't seem to let my mind be calm, because by then anxiety would have come and paid a visit, and my head start hurting from the racing thoughts.
I told myself, I can control it. I was wrong.
I had to keep myself busy in order to "control" it. I was juggling my full time rotating shift work with my freelance deliveries, with my online sales, and then having whatever time i have left just resting. That only applies in the day time because that's when I'm free to roam around. But at night, especially on nights where i'm not working or on morning shifts, I can literally go crazy. I get restless, tired from overthinking, tired from trying to shut my mind up, tired from telling myself that everything's going to be worth the wait and effort, tired from not trying to be paranoid: It's a continuous cycle.
Maybe depression is something that not many are willing to talk about openly. Somehow I personally know someone who used to suffer from it. The similarities we have are just so ... coincidental.
I recently seek help again, for this thing i thought i could control. That, is only after being pressured by a close friend. I now have less suicidal tendencies, I can finally sleep well (after 10 years of disturbed, short, poor quality sleep). But my appetite for food is still low, maybe I've been too accustomed to eating less, and i still have problems accepting the fact that I am adopted. I now enjoy my time more at home, instead of dreading off days because i have and i must be home. Work is like a place for me to destress. I don't have much people i could call friends.
But can i say that i am now mentally and emotionally okay? No. I am still drained. Not only do i have to let the anti-depressants do its job, i also have to fight against it. Irony? The people around me also have a part to play. And someone at work is clearly not doing his/her job. In the simplest terms, his/her presence is just to happily trigger my other self that i'm trying to bury deep underground.
Sometimes i wonder how i got the motivation to carry on with life. Other than work being a place for me to destress (also having clowns as colleagues helps take the load off for a bit). That's where the review and counselling sessions come in handy. I use whatever I do best as a source of motivation. It numbs the pain, it kept me going.
Sometimes I don't know if having the strength to persevere, endure, the strength to motivate myself when things around me seems to be crumbling slowly, is a good thing or otherwise. It definitely took a toll on me over the years.
I am not someone who is able to express her feelings verbally, probably because I'm the only child, my parents and me have this generation gap due to our age difference and that my parents aren't really exposed to what kids/teenagers nowadays do, and we can seldom communicate our message across.
It was a long journey. And a relapse is definitely not something I need, or want.
My "angels" back then when i was growing up came in the form of teachers. I had two, one in primary school and the other when i was in secondary one. I had not much recollection of my time in primary school, other than the fact that i had been constantly bullied, scolded for not scoring well, criticised for various reasons. Mrs James, I remembered her name. No one liked her, she spoke funny (indian accent, what do you expect), but really she's a nice lady. Somehow back then I didn't know who to talk to, I wrote her a note, she noticed a concern for attention through my writings and became this motherly figure for me in school, but not for long, because then i had to sit for my PSLE and then left primary school for good.
Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if my brother was still around. I didn't liked having to live with a stranger in my house, even though he's just an uncle. The amount of anger i had was immense.
Secondary school. Nothing much changed. Though i have to admit I did have a problem fitting and blending in. I have a wonderful teacher in secondary one, we had journal writing. It was very helpful for me as well. And so happens the same teacher also taught my class science, which then instilled this curiosity for science, and chemistry. I did well for science, but only in secondary one. But then again, she had to leave for Henderson secondary. Glad that i'm still in touch with her on facebook, oh, the power of social media. Ms Kristina Chandran, the teacher who i laughed at when she fell in the biology lab, but who also helped me get through my early teenage years.
Secondary school was hard. Every year I had to endure torments from outsiders. From people who constantly tried to pull and drag me down, who doubts my capabilities, who thinks i cheat in exams, who gets red eyed when i still manage to stay in the express stream, who, are at a disbelieve that i was doing triple pure science and additional mathematics. I'm just down there like, what did i do wrong to these people till they have so much hate?
But there i am, keeping quiet, trying to ignore all the negativities, the condescending remarks. But I had a problem, I couldn't be left alone. I would constantly cry to myself, and even cry myself to sleep. I wished I didn't exist, I wished I wasn't born.
Polytechnic life was another vicious cycle. I did what I did because I had to. Then I found out that I was adopted when my biological father passed away. I was 18. Wham! More drama ensued. I guess some people have the disability to think that for a person my age, certain things are too much for me to take in.
Dramas. Fighting this battle in myself, fighting the battle with outsiders. I told myself, i need to heal. i need to heal. i need to be okay. i hated the counselling sessions. i hate having to eat medications on time, and regularly. I may seem to appear normal, but it wasn't easy.
By the time i "saw the light at the end of the tunnel" I already had one foot in into the working world. Hey things wasn't so bad initially. But if you knew me for the past 6 years then you would have known how much i "suffered".
By then i was off from the shits i was prescribed. I told myself to just think positive, but it wasn't so easy. Sometimes i just gave up and told myself that i'm simply jinxed, and that i'm better off dead. I still think that way up till this day, i constantly have suicidal thoughts. I had to have a clear mind, but i have none of it. I can't seem to let my mind be calm, because by then anxiety would have come and paid a visit, and my head start hurting from the racing thoughts.
I told myself, I can control it. I was wrong.
I had to keep myself busy in order to "control" it. I was juggling my full time rotating shift work with my freelance deliveries, with my online sales, and then having whatever time i have left just resting. That only applies in the day time because that's when I'm free to roam around. But at night, especially on nights where i'm not working or on morning shifts, I can literally go crazy. I get restless, tired from overthinking, tired from trying to shut my mind up, tired from telling myself that everything's going to be worth the wait and effort, tired from not trying to be paranoid: It's a continuous cycle.
Maybe depression is something that not many are willing to talk about openly. Somehow I personally know someone who used to suffer from it. The similarities we have are just so ... coincidental.
I recently seek help again, for this thing i thought i could control. That, is only after being pressured by a close friend. I now have less suicidal tendencies, I can finally sleep well (after 10 years of disturbed, short, poor quality sleep). But my appetite for food is still low, maybe I've been too accustomed to eating less, and i still have problems accepting the fact that I am adopted. I now enjoy my time more at home, instead of dreading off days because i have and i must be home. Work is like a place for me to destress. I don't have much people i could call friends.
But can i say that i am now mentally and emotionally okay? No. I am still drained. Not only do i have to let the anti-depressants do its job, i also have to fight against it. Irony? The people around me also have a part to play. And someone at work is clearly not doing his/her job. In the simplest terms, his/her presence is just to happily trigger my other self that i'm trying to bury deep underground.
Sometimes i wonder how i got the motivation to carry on with life. Other than work being a place for me to destress (also having clowns as colleagues helps take the load off for a bit). That's where the review and counselling sessions come in handy. I use whatever I do best as a source of motivation. It numbs the pain, it kept me going.
Friday, February 5, 2016
When colours complicate.
Ibu called her siblings over to my place to discuss about the wedding, of all times, on a day where i had to work night shift! I had to practically zombie my night away at work. Dear mom, if you nak plan these kind of gatherings to discuss MY wedding, do so when I'm not working pleaaseeee.
So the agenda on the list is to actually decide on a colour for the maternal and paternal side to wear. I have already decided on a colour for each side, after considering the deco colours i've picked.
This is where, chaos ensued. This is the first time i went on a bridezilla mode. Come on, I've lived my WHOLE life listening to others, following their instructions and all, I can't possibly let other people override my decisions for my own wedding? And it's not like i picked a ridiculous colour or ask them to wear clown suits for my wedding.
Enough is enough. Fuck respect. Stood my ground firm and said out loud, "BUT IT IS MY WEDDING!"
I have reasons why I insisted on everyone to don the same shade of colour. To me blue is blue, purple is purple, if i pick that colour, THAT COLOUR IT SHALL BE, not blue-red, blue-purple, whatever lah.
Point is, on my BIG DAY, i want to see my family united as one, "disguised" in unison wearing the same colour to at least represent the family. Only god knows how long since we last met up as one big happy fucking family. Ouh, please pardon my vulgarities. I just need to send this message across.
I may look rough but those who knows me truly, knows that i have a big botanic garden in my heart. There are few occasions where i attended the wedding and literally all the family members stood as one wearing the same colour. A great example would be the one where I accompanied F to his relative's wedding or smth, the whole family wore yellow as in ROYAL YELLOW omg they look like bananas coz i'm hungry like that. Add in blue tudung/songket they'll definitely look like minions!
So definitely on my big day, as i sat on my dais, eyes wandering around (because in order for me to NOT SHAKE MY LEGS, my eyes have to wander around, and yes, i have a very bad habit of shaking my legs when i sit), it would definitely soothe my eyes to see everyone wearing the same colour, embracing the moment where I'm Queen for the day. I can't imagine sitting and observing one family wear this colour, another family wear that colour, eh, eyes pain ok? And kinda saddening coz macam no cooperation between families. This is what i believe la.
And no, i'm not asking all of you to wear the same design same pattern, macam uniform like that. NO. All i'm asking is you to buy cloths, and go tailor them yourselves according to your liking. IN A WAY I AM GIVING YOU FREEDOM TO BE CREATIVE AND WEAR WHATEVER DESIGN YOU WANT, JUST IN A COLOR THAT I WANT. It would definitely be easier if i bought the cloths for them but nooooooooo, i can understand each individual may be suitable for this type of cloth but others may not.
See! The problem is already there when I suggested to buy the cloths for them to make their lives easier. At least I am not troubling you to find time and hunt for the cloths. But I've got to thank one of my aunts for being such an easygoing person and say she won't mind ready-made bajus. So yeay! Thank you bibik!
Another note, I'm not having people wear black for my wedding if you're a family member. Imagine the whole lot of you wearing black, YOU WILL JUST LOOK LIKE A SEA OF DEMENTORS SUCKING IN SOULS ON MY WEDDING!!! Doesn't matter if you decide to pair your black baju with other colour hijab/shawls, IT IS STILL A NO. NO NO NO. A wedding is supposed to be a happy affair. If you're turning up to look like a dementor then please tell me in advance so i can standby a bright coloured abaya for you to wear so you don't make my wedding gloomy.
I just want this episode of choosing colours for the family to be done and over with. I may be someone who is always sembarang, okay go, but when i know what i want, i will insist things to follow my way. I will make sure to check on the colours that each family bought. People are saying you won't have time for that. But hey, I have 4 days off after every 4 days of work, what makes you think I won't have time? Don't be surprised eh. Call me a brat if you want but I am spending twenty-over thousand for a two day event just to tire myself out and watch people eat so you better cooperate and don't spoil my big day.
Just a side-note: NO ONE poisoned me anything when i wrote this post, it is basically what i feel after the short gathering. I am 27, I don't need anyone to poison me into having things go my own way.
Another note: Just glad i signed up for a full package with Mawarprada. More to come soon.
So the agenda on the list is to actually decide on a colour for the maternal and paternal side to wear. I have already decided on a colour for each side, after considering the deco colours i've picked.
This is where, chaos ensued. This is the first time i went on a bridezilla mode. Come on, I've lived my WHOLE life listening to others, following their instructions and all, I can't possibly let other people override my decisions for my own wedding? And it's not like i picked a ridiculous colour or ask them to wear clown suits for my wedding.
Enough is enough. Fuck respect. Stood my ground firm and said out loud, "BUT IT IS MY WEDDING!"
I have reasons why I insisted on everyone to don the same shade of colour. To me blue is blue, purple is purple, if i pick that colour, THAT COLOUR IT SHALL BE, not blue-red, blue-purple, whatever lah.
Point is, on my BIG DAY, i want to see my family united as one, "disguised" in unison wearing the same colour to at least represent the family. Only god knows how long since we last met up as one big happy fucking family. Ouh, please pardon my vulgarities. I just need to send this message across.
I may look rough but those who knows me truly, knows that i have a big botanic garden in my heart. There are few occasions where i attended the wedding and literally all the family members stood as one wearing the same colour. A great example would be the one where I accompanied F to his relative's wedding or smth, the whole family wore yellow as in ROYAL YELLOW omg they look like bananas coz i'm hungry like that. Add in blue tudung/songket they'll definitely look like minions!
So definitely on my big day, as i sat on my dais, eyes wandering around (because in order for me to NOT SHAKE MY LEGS, my eyes have to wander around, and yes, i have a very bad habit of shaking my legs when i sit), it would definitely soothe my eyes to see everyone wearing the same colour, embracing the moment where I'm Queen for the day. I can't imagine sitting and observing one family wear this colour, another family wear that colour, eh, eyes pain ok? And kinda saddening coz macam no cooperation between families. This is what i believe la.
And no, i'm not asking all of you to wear the same design same pattern, macam uniform like that. NO. All i'm asking is you to buy cloths, and go tailor them yourselves according to your liking. IN A WAY I AM GIVING YOU FREEDOM TO BE CREATIVE AND WEAR WHATEVER DESIGN YOU WANT, JUST IN A COLOR THAT I WANT. It would definitely be easier if i bought the cloths for them but nooooooooo, i can understand each individual may be suitable for this type of cloth but others may not.
See! The problem is already there when I suggested to buy the cloths for them to make their lives easier. At least I am not troubling you to find time and hunt for the cloths. But I've got to thank one of my aunts for being such an easygoing person and say she won't mind ready-made bajus. So yeay! Thank you bibik!
Another note, I'm not having people wear black for my wedding if you're a family member. Imagine the whole lot of you wearing black, YOU WILL JUST LOOK LIKE A SEA OF DEMENTORS SUCKING IN SOULS ON MY WEDDING!!! Doesn't matter if you decide to pair your black baju with other colour hijab/shawls, IT IS STILL A NO. NO NO NO. A wedding is supposed to be a happy affair. If you're turning up to look like a dementor then please tell me in advance so i can standby a bright coloured abaya for you to wear so you don't make my wedding gloomy.
I just want this episode of choosing colours for the family to be done and over with. I may be someone who is always sembarang, okay go, but when i know what i want, i will insist things to follow my way. I will make sure to check on the colours that each family bought. People are saying you won't have time for that. But hey, I have 4 days off after every 4 days of work, what makes you think I won't have time? Don't be surprised eh. Call me a brat if you want but I am spending twenty-over thousand for a two day event just to tire myself out and watch people eat so you better cooperate and don't spoil my big day.
Just a side-note: NO ONE poisoned me anything when i wrote this post, it is basically what i feel after the short gathering. I am 27, I don't need anyone to poison me into having things go my own way.
Another note: Just glad i signed up for a full package with Mawarprada. More to come soon.
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