Sometimes it feels like i needed the strength of the world to overcome these emotions inside.
I may look like i always seem to be in my own world, not giving a shit about whatever that's happening, but in reality, i'm just fending for myself, saving myself from being hurt.
An important point to note is that whatever is in THIS post has got nothing to do with my married life, just in case some people love to jump to conclusion with their assumptions.
I care too much. I feel too much. That too much also made me hurt too much. As i bask myself in the glorious sunshine, another part of me is screaming to be brought back in the dark, crouched in an empty corner to relieve the chaos that's happening inside. As i struggle to mellow down these voices, i too struggle to keep up with the charade i'm playing. But i need to learn to appreciate, appreciate the love that i am constantly receiving from the people around who truly cares, especially from my husband.
I'm typing this down because i am always bad at vocally expressing myself (as usual). Because it's somehow the same old same old, and i don't wish to burden anyone with these recurring thoughts that seems to be just a tiny problem.
People pass off depression as something minor, that you can just "get over it". That's probably the reason why I don't really talk about the matter. Because people just don't understand it. I would like to think that the phase i went through is something of the past, that i am totally free of it, but it just seems to come back and haunt me.
I personally know few people who are seeking medical treatment for their depression. One thing in common between these group of people is that, they DON'T pull each other down. So if you claim to have depression but YET you're running your mouth at people and blaming others, raking up other's past, then something is clearly wrong with YOURSELF, you don't have depression.
I don't play the victim card, and neither do i partake in the role of ms. righteous, but i know that i'm mature enough to face the consequences of my actions. I recently spoke to a friend who went through the exact same shit as me, and i am surprised at how similar our situation were. We became the person that we hated. But we faced the consequences, accepted it, because it was a choice that we made, a choice that we could have avoided, but we are only human, flawed and very much less than perfect.
Somehow it hurts me that people talk to me about dignity like i have none. But then again like i always believe, Allah knows.... Allah knows... Allah knows...
It's a painful struggle. It's probably a retribution for me. Maybe karma comes in many forms. Somedays i wake up like a brand new person, not remembering anything, other days suddenly i remember every single fucking shit.
I can't be bothered to spread animosity amongst others, no matter how hard i struggle right now. Feigning ignorance is what i do best, but i can't lie to myself and tell myself "it's okay! it's mind over matter, i don't mind and they don't matter." no... i don't have the strength to do that. And since i don't have the strength to do that, i break into silent cries.
What keeps me going right now is my husband, parents, and the need to clear off my debts. Else i would stay couped up in my room, letting out these demons to play.
I'm not easy to deal with.
Allah knows... Allah knows... Allah knows...
I may look like i always seem to be in my own world, not giving a shit about whatever that's happening, but in reality, i'm just fending for myself, saving myself from being hurt.
An important point to note is that whatever is in THIS post has got nothing to do with my married life, just in case some people love to jump to conclusion with their assumptions.
I care too much. I feel too much. That too much also made me hurt too much. As i bask myself in the glorious sunshine, another part of me is screaming to be brought back in the dark, crouched in an empty corner to relieve the chaos that's happening inside. As i struggle to mellow down these voices, i too struggle to keep up with the charade i'm playing. But i need to learn to appreciate, appreciate the love that i am constantly receiving from the people around who truly cares, especially from my husband.
I'm typing this down because i am always bad at vocally expressing myself (as usual). Because it's somehow the same old same old, and i don't wish to burden anyone with these recurring thoughts that seems to be just a tiny problem.
People pass off depression as something minor, that you can just "get over it". That's probably the reason why I don't really talk about the matter. Because people just don't understand it. I would like to think that the phase i went through is something of the past, that i am totally free of it, but it just seems to come back and haunt me.
I personally know few people who are seeking medical treatment for their depression. One thing in common between these group of people is that, they DON'T pull each other down. So if you claim to have depression but YET you're running your mouth at people and blaming others, raking up other's past, then something is clearly wrong with YOURSELF, you don't have depression.
I don't play the victim card, and neither do i partake in the role of ms. righteous, but i know that i'm mature enough to face the consequences of my actions. I recently spoke to a friend who went through the exact same shit as me, and i am surprised at how similar our situation were. We became the person that we hated. But we faced the consequences, accepted it, because it was a choice that we made, a choice that we could have avoided, but we are only human, flawed and very much less than perfect.
Somehow it hurts me that people talk to me about dignity like i have none. But then again like i always believe, Allah knows.... Allah knows... Allah knows...
It's a painful struggle. It's probably a retribution for me. Maybe karma comes in many forms. Somedays i wake up like a brand new person, not remembering anything, other days suddenly i remember every single fucking shit.
I can't be bothered to spread animosity amongst others, no matter how hard i struggle right now. Feigning ignorance is what i do best, but i can't lie to myself and tell myself "it's okay! it's mind over matter, i don't mind and they don't matter." no... i don't have the strength to do that. And since i don't have the strength to do that, i break into silent cries.
What keeps me going right now is my husband, parents, and the need to clear off my debts. Else i would stay couped up in my room, letting out these demons to play.
I'm not easy to deal with.
Allah knows... Allah knows... Allah knows...
