Strength

Sometimes it feels like i needed the strength of the world to overcome these emotions inside.

I may look like i always seem to be in my own world, not giving a shit about whatever that's happening, but in reality, i'm just fending for myself, saving myself from being hurt.

An important point to note is that whatever is in THIS post has got nothing to do with my married life, just in case some people love to jump to conclusion with their assumptions.

I care too much. I feel too much. That too much also made me hurt too much. As i bask myself in the glorious sunshine, another part of me is screaming to be brought back in the dark, crouched in an empty corner to relieve the chaos that's happening inside. As i struggle to mellow down these voices, i too struggle to keep up with the charade i'm playing. But i need to learn to appreciate, appreciate the love that i am constantly receiving from the people around who truly cares, especially from my husband.

I'm typing this down because i am always bad at vocally expressing myself (as usual). Because it's somehow the same old same old, and i don't wish to burden anyone with these recurring thoughts that seems to be just a tiny problem.

People pass off depression as something minor, that you can just "get over it". That's probably the reason why I don't really talk about the matter. Because people just don't understand it. I would like to think that the phase i went through is something of the past, that i am totally free of it, but it just seems to come back and haunt me.

I personally know few people who are seeking medical treatment for their depression. One thing in common between these group of people is that, they DON'T pull each other down. So if you claim to have depression but YET you're running your mouth at people and blaming others, raking up other's past, then something is clearly wrong with YOURSELF, you don't have depression.

I don't play the victim card, and neither do i partake in the role of ms. righteous, but i know that i'm mature enough to face the consequences of my actions. I recently spoke to a friend who went through the exact same shit as me, and i am surprised at how similar our situation were. We became the person that we hated. But we faced the consequences, accepted it, because it was a choice that we made, a choice that we could have avoided, but we are only human, flawed and very much less than perfect.

Somehow it hurts me that people talk to me about dignity like i have none. But then again like i always believe, Allah knows.... Allah knows... Allah knows...

It's a painful struggle. It's probably a retribution for me. Maybe karma comes in many forms. Somedays i wake up like a brand new person, not remembering anything, other days suddenly i remember every single fucking shit.

I can't be bothered to spread animosity amongst others, no matter how hard i struggle right now. Feigning ignorance is what i do best, but i can't lie to myself and tell myself "it's okay! it's mind over matter, i don't mind and they don't matter." no... i don't have the strength to do that. And since i don't have the strength to do that, i break into silent cries.

What keeps me going right now is my husband, parents, and the need to clear off my debts. Else i would stay couped up in my room, letting out these demons to play.

I'm not easy to deal with.

Allah knows... Allah knows... Allah knows...

Being Adopted ...

So much things have happened of late, and it has been draining me physically, mentally and emotionally. But what happened over the last week, that was the last straw.

Before judging, let me get this straight...

I am thankful for being adopted into this family. A luxury that i couldn't have gotten in my biological family. I am thankful for being raised enough with proper education and upbringing. I am thankful that even though i am adopted, that i know my background and i know where i came from, i know who my real families are...

But i grew up, searching for my own identity. I questioned myself many times, since i was 7 or 8, regarding who i really am. Maybe i was still young to understand or remember anything, but i clearly remembered seeing a different name on my health booklet when i was in primary One.

"Nurzulaiha Binte Bahari".

I was still young... and i asked why is my name different. Trained to write my name as "Nurzulaiha Ya'akof", then why was my name Nurzulaiha Binte Bahari instead? No answer was given. The next year, on the next health checkup schedule, it was a NEW health booklet. This time, my name was reflected as "Nurzulaiha Ya'akof". Was I adopted? I did ask.

"No... you are our daughter... you live with us right?" And being a young kid, i believed them. But more questions came to my head. Why do i NOT have a BINTE in my name like all other every Ali, Siti and Minah have? And as years go by my father will refuse to let me "salam" him when he has his ablution on, and i'm wondering, WHY? Why can't i salam my supposedly OWN father?

No one really knows how i was being the subject of ridicule back then. I was even scolded by my religious teacher to write my name properly. Just because i missed out the "binte" in my name.

I grew up being bullied. The problem is, each time i got bullied, i will fight back, which was why I ended up as "the naughty one". My parents will scold me instead, because they weren't convince i was bullied.

I had totally no recollections of my childhood. Other than me breaking my arm, and getting whatever i want, i have zero recollections of my supposed happy childhood.

Regarding identity... i was still young but i constantly questioned myself why can't i turn out like the others? Why can't i fit in with the rest? Why?

It got worse after my brother, the only sole son of my adopting parents, passed away. I felt so distant, like i couldn't connect at all with my parents. Then slowly, the criticisms swarmed in.

So much criticisms, that i got really afraid of failure. Because i was being brought up to respect the elders, i kept my mouth shut. I pretended not to hear but i hear everything. Why the comparisons? What did i do wrong? Who am i being compared with? Why am i being put on the same position as certain people?

So much of these voices in my head when i was young. Too much for me to take in. Growing up with loneliness. Growing up being put on a tight leash. But i don't blame my parents. I know they did it for a reason. But to have people constantly doubt you, doubt your capabilities, having to always go along with their wishes, is this what life is for?

I have been compared academically, behavioural wise, my circle of friends. Simply said... even though since 1998 i grew up having being the only child in the family, i just... turned out different from everyone else. I was rough, i took a liking for football, got into NCC as a CCA, i was simply this lazy kid who sits at the back of the class, sleeping most of the time or creating a nuisance for others. Best part is, who i was back then wasn't even influenced by whoever i mingled around with. I couldn't... i simply just couldn't connect with any of my relatives at all.

What i overheard since young...
"Perangai sama macam kakak dia" but wasn't i the only child?
When it comes to academics...
"oh .. EM2.. ok la tu"
"huh? Express? Boleh ke handle?"
"yek eleh pandai sangat la tu" when i took triple pure science and additional mathematics

Every single thing i do, just doesn't seem to please anyone concerned. Even when i brought back some A's for my results, it doesn't seem to make people be proud of my capabilities. Maybe their treatment towards me is different? Maybe it's not something worth to be proud of? You know.. sometimes... i don't ask for my accomplishments to be bragged about, but words of encouragement will surely help.

To me... life... is not all about money. Money does pay the bills, buys you anything, but it's not the true source of happiness. I know my strength isn't in academics, i'm definitely not booksmart. There were things in life I wish i could do, like honing my skills in football, unfortunately, i do not have the support for that. Even in polytechnic, being part of SP's skate club just for their inline hockey sessions didn't materialize because i was unable to attend their training sessions which stretches till night time. I even have an earful for coming back from freshman orientation camp late.

Of course, in my teens, i've had my fair share of my rebellious days. I shall not touch on that but i'm glad with whoever who i came across because THEY taught me the meaning of life. It's through these group of people that i learnt that life isn't all rosy. They taught me to be humble, to not judge someone based on their looks, their education, career.

But that doesn't change the fact that my relationship with my adopting parents just gets distant, because we do not share the same views. I hate it when my parents start passing judgemental and derogatory remarks on a certain group of people who don't live their lives according to my parents expectations. In short, they look down on the group of people the community will easily pass off as social trash.

I found out... i finally found out i was adopted when i was 17.  Shocked? Surprised? I didn't know how to react. I didn't even know what i should do. I wasn't even shown the way. Left out on my own. No one else knows about my knowledge of my status as an adopted child. But since then, it was all too easy for my parents to easily say "go back to your mom in Serangoon!!!" each time i did something which displeases them.

About 1 or 2 years later, my biological father passed away. It was chaos. Accusations and blames were thrown all over. Again, i didn't know how to react. My father is gone, and i haven't got the chance let him hear me calling him "abah".

Since then... my life hasn't really been a peaceful one. Whatever i did wrong, will reflect on me getting all the attributes from my real siblings. Oh ya, in my biological family, I'm the 4th child out of 5th, after my 2 elder brothers, 1 elder sister and 1 younger sister. No one really stood up for me. Yea, my hot temper probably drove my cousins away, and I was quite an anti-social kid in the family to be honest. There is definitely something that I do, irregardless of right or wrong, that will trigger someone to say things to put me down.

But i used all that criticisms to build myself up. But in the midst of pushing and motivate myself, it really affected me, mentally. It's easy to tell me that i shouldn't let words get into my head. But enough is enough. If i speak out for myself then i'll be deemed as disrespecting the elders. I build myself up and i fall, repeatedly.

The period after i finished my last semester in Singapore Polytechnic was hell. I couldn't find a proper job. Just surviving on fortnightly pays at my part time job as a delivery rider. Even that, was being commented on.

Yes, some people just simply couldn't keep their mouths shut. But not everyone who is exposed to this kind of verbal torment can easily brush it off and not let things affect them emotionally. I do know where i stand. I do know i am adopted. Please, just stop... comparing me... with my siblings... with your children... I'm not perfect, neither are you or your children.

I was in depression. I had no one to turn to. I kept to myself most times. I refused to talk to anyone, not even my parents. The "adoption" word is still deemed to be a taboo topic, sensitive to most, and i try my very best to keep whatever i feel to myself. I did broke down once. I questioned people around me, WHY ME? WHY NOT MY YOUNGER SISTER? WHY ME?!!! WHY WAS I ADOPTED? WHY WASN'T I JUST BEING ABORTED BACK THEN? No amount of reassurance can help me heal my emotional pressures.

Every now and then i feel like i'm being a jinx to anyone close to me. No PokéMon puns intended but i really do feel like a jinx. I bring the badluck to anyone who tries to be close with me. Like i'm not worth for someone to stand up and defend me when i wasn't in the wrong.

I feel like i'm being brought into this world, INTO another family since birth, just to please and appease everyone else. EVERYONE ELSE BUT MYSELF. I'm sorry i can't be whatever everyone expect me to be. That i don't turn out as well as people expect me to be just because i was being raised up by another set of parents. It's time that these people realize that I'm a free spirit that shouldn't be put on a leash to control me, but to cut the slag so that i can utilize whatever is in me to bring myself up to my full potential.

Even right now, I wish... i really wish i could fight for my own happiness. i tried to fight for my own happiness, i did. But i failed. I failed to convince people around me about the happiness that I am fighting for, because they only see things from their point of view, and expect things to turn out the way they want it to be. Again, lying to myself just to appease everyone else around me.  How i thought i had things in MY favour when suddenly the tables were turned against me.

Right now, I'm having a relapse. But this time i didn't endure with sleepless nights and days, but i'm just sleeping ... and sleeping ... and sleeping ... i just refuse and can't seem to wake up. It's the only time when my mind will be at ease, i don't have to hear these voices in my head that is constantly amplified throughout the day when i'm awake. But even when i'm constantly asleep, is also another problem to some people. I am not a sleeper. I don't sleep well even when was a teenager. Yes i do have problems waking up in the morning for school, even now i still do have problems waking up for morning shifts, but i just need at least 2 to 4 hours of sleep to function properly. Sleeping is the only way to make me escape reality. I have to drag myself to work. If given a choice i would rather coop myself up in bed and cry myself to sleep. But i know i don't have that luxury of choice to not work.

But when i spoke of the word depression, to most people who knows me, i'm just over-reacting, over thinking. But whatever is in my head, only Allah knows. I'll always... always pray that i'll be given the strength to overcome these, but it seems like i need the extra help for the third time. Again, i know, words are just words, just brush it off and don't let it affect you. IF only it's easy as it seems. If only my brain has an Alt+Ctrl+Del function, i'll gladly do so.

My heart is simply, dead as i speak. Suicidal thoughts are constantly in my mind though i had to force it off my head as a Muslim. I snapped. Someone triggered the insanity button. I couldn't face all this torments any longer. The hatred towards someone for putting me mentally through hell. The exhaustion of growing up having to please people around me, the frustration of not being good enough. I'm tired. I'm seriously tired. The only consolation i get from my life for my ownself is me being able to ride a bike. A dream job that is within my reach but i couldn't make it a reality because it's an "arduous and strenuous job for a lady".

You see... my life is constantly dictated. Please don't tell me and say people around me care for me. I am not selfish or stupid, i know my parents care for me, too caring and overprotective over a free spirit like me. But this mask i'm wearing, the same mask i wear since i was 7, is wearing out. I know i should feel lucky, grateful, thankful, but is all that supposed to be in exchange for them dictating me in whatever i do? even to the extend of threatening me for wanting to choose my happiness? The happiness that is supposed to be a lifetime affair?

I'm too crushed with whatever that happened. And it crushed further last night.

The only thoughts that i have right now, is that i probably got my perseverance from my biological mother. Even though me and her couldn't connect to each other because I was taken away from her ever since I was born, maybe from afar, her perseverance in accepting my loss has help me persevere whatever that I was thrown with since young.

To that soul who manage to hurl all those "kind" words at me to put me down, thank you and congratulations you have manage to break me. I hope you're satisfied with what you had managed to do. I forgive you for whatever you said. But that doesn't change the fact that you have turned me into a senseless, heartless human being. Thank you for again bringing out the beast in my head. Thank you because of your wonderful words, it made me strong, but no longer now. The voices are too loud i can't hear myself.

Thank you Allah for giving me the strength to go through your trials even though i had no one to stand up for me all these while....

My Journey with Paperkutz SG

Paperkutz SG is almost 1. Thus i guess it's apt for me to make a post dedicated to my home business.

The idea to start a custom sticker business had been around since 2011. But i kept shelving the idea because I need to invest a small amount of money on the machines and materials. Thus, i delved into selling cosmetics online through Spendless Cosmetics. Wasn't really making much money with them though. But anyway, those were the past.

Why i waited till 2015 to brave myself into putting in money into the business? Because I had the support of my fiance. Back then when i was still with the ex, i did mention about investing in this particular machine but well, seems like i was communicating with a wall. But with fai, even he was excited and gave me the go ahead with the investments. Oh, apologies for not wanting to reveal what is the machine i bought; Singapore is quite a small country so I'm kinda selfish into sharing what I have. Imagine many people getting the same thing then i guess the demand for customized stickers will decline since every Tom, Mary & Jane can make their own stickers.

Well since I had been eyeing the machine since 2011, naturally the curiosity in me will want to learn more about it's functions and capabilities even though I do not have the machine on hand. COnfusing at first, but once i got the machine in March last year, i slowly got the hang of it.

To be honest, I got slightly demoralized and almost gave up because it was so complicated! But when i think about the monies i put in, and the future that i have planned, i made sure i persevered on. Life is a lifelong journey anyway. This is when i learnt that watching videos and reading tutorials about a particular instrument doesn't really help much unless you have hands on. Same theory like when you are at work lah kan?

I am thankful for the small group of friends who supported my initial journey in Paperkutz SG. Without them I could not have a portfolio to advertise on social medias. I'm even more thankful for my fiance whose ideas seems neverending. Because of him I also managed to play around more with the instrument and create unique stickers like couple stickers, and hard to find stickers. Somehow I feel like he's the boss and I'm just the worker, because he assisted in putting the price guide on the stickers i made for customers.

My first ever product with Paperkutz SG

But nothing is perfect in the beginning. I wasted alot of materials, and i really mean, ALOT! because I wasn't familiar with the settings, I had to play around with the settings, had to do alot of trial and error. And sometimes when I thought i was already accustomed to the machine, something just had to go wrong. But it's part and parcel of starting up a business. We learn from our mistakes.

I don't come from a family of entrepreneurs. My relative in Malaysia only recently started their teak furniture business which is thankfully doing well, but not after several failed attempts at other businesses. I didn't really know who to learn the business trade from, thus I'm still not willing to take a big jump and do something big. Either way, I'm still quite tied up with my full time job.

Halfway through, my buddy in Gixxers@SG entrusted me to help him with his business decal. Honestly he's a scary client. Fussy, OCD, but the end product finally made all of us happy. Then, we decided to create a club decal for the Gixxers. Again, fussy fella. But his fussiness is not about the typical boss who only orders around, he's particularly observant and has an eye for intricate details, which makes the Gixxers@SG sticker more stand out even though it's of die-cut finishing. 

Shortly after, I had a bulk order with a corporate company. The experience was honestly, shit. Sometimes the "people up there" has the IQ but low on EQ, or importantly, basically no common sense. You obviously do not demand to pay $1 for a design with intricate detailing. I was down with severe back pain at that point of time, suspected slip disc, i couldn't stand or sit for long periods of time. So it made the work even more not worth the time I honestly regretted dealing with them. But then again, it's another learning point taken.

All these while managing Paperkutz SG, I learn a lot of things. At least it rejuvenated my brain cells which was long dead when I work day in and day out in the lab. 

From customized stickers, to customized wedding/engagement guestbooks, I'm now venturing into the custom apparels business. It will definitely take a while to take off, but patience is obviously going to be a virtue. I've done up several customized baby rompers/tees/vests and thanks to the Almighty that my customers loved them.

So much love from my customers who entrusted their faith in my services, and double triple love from my recurring customers who came back for more! Alhamdulillah...

Guess that's all for now. In the mean time, check out my previous works... And happy 1st year Paperkutz SG!

Elated with my customer's feedback.

Happiness need not be in the form of money.
A happy customer = A happy Zue

For a friend who keeps coming back for more. haha

Decals for the riding community.
#S4KPDTRIP2015 for the group to Port Dickson in September 2015

Decals for the Riding Community.
Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind.

From Prospin to Prospin Motorsports, Made with much TLC from Paperkutz SG

Whizzcar review Part 1: The HOW-TO process

Lots of people have been asking me where i rent the cars i drive from. But each time i try to explain to them, not many understand what i meant when i told them it's a "car sharing scheme".

For more information, you may go to www.whizzcar.com . But then again, why the need for this post if i'm just going to ask you to read off from their website right? haha

So i've been a customer of Whizzcar since June/July 2014. Registration was made through online, their admin staffs will send you several forms (through email) that you'll have to revert back to them through mail/fax. If i remember correctly, one of the forms asks for your preferred payment method. Through this, your registration fee is also being charged at the same time (better if you opt for credit card payment because if you opt for GIRO then i guess there'll be complications if you have insufficient funds in your bank account. You have to check with Whizzcar regarding GIRO payment because I opted for payment through credit card, i find it easier).

Within the next few days or within the next week, you'll receive your receipt of invoice for your registration with Whizzcar and your token (not really the token like your bank's OTP token. Again, there will be few forms for you to double confirm your signature and fax it over to their side. There will also be several documents that you need to submit. Okay let's copy and paste a paragraph from their website ...

Upon approval, you will need to submit the following documents via e-mail, fax, or mail to process your membership:

1. Copy of driver’s licence (and/or supplementary member’s)

1. Copy of identification card (and/or supplementary member’s)

1. Signed GIRO / credit card authorization form

1. Copy of proof of income (payslip/CPF contribution/tax assessment)

1. Initial payment for joining fee, membership fees, and deposit

Anyway, the token looks like this ...

So together with the token, you'll receive a members pack. It contains your user ID and password to login to the exclusive members only portal where you're going to book the cars from. It also contains a guide on how to go about making the booking from the point of online booking, to collection, driving off and returning the car.

I'm just gonna show you readers a slight info into how the booking process is like .... Upon logging in, you will be given the option to "Reserve a Whizzcar" or to view your "Electronic Invoice", Yep! Paperless billing people! Save the trees yo! Okok back to booking the car... Click on "reserve a whizzcar" and go to "Graphical Reservation". It typically lists down all the cars available categorized under the areas they are at. As for me, I stay in Tampines, so i have 3 options to book my cars from.

But sometimes, luck may not be on my side. So i have to like click on the areas one by one and see which cars is available. But if luck is on my side then .... (see pic below)

Green bars indicates available slots. Red bars indicates that the car is booked for that specified timing. The blue bar refers to my own reservation. Bookings are made in 30 minutes blocks. And lets say if you decide to book a car at 4.05pm, you have to DIE DIE start your booking at 4.30pm because bookings CANNOT BE MADE IN THE PAST. No worries, there will always be prompts.  After your booking is confirmed, a SMS will be sent to the mobile number you registered with, complete with the car number and location. BUTTTT .. do take note that the block number of the carpark is not indicated in the SMS sooo if you aren't familiar with the area (and to prevent you from last minute kancheong when you wanna collect the car but forgot where the car is located at), take note of the block number when making your booking.

Whizzcar's cars are always parked at their designated lots. So far i haven't had any problems with outside cars being parked in their lots because the pillars will have the Whizzcar logo, the back walls will have a warning stating "No parking. Fine $50", and the designated lots are painted RED with labels "FOR WHIZZCAR ONLY". So i guess it would really take a stupid, asshole, idiotic driver to park in that lot. But you may never know, there's ALOT of brainless drivers in Singapore. hah.

OK prior to driving off, you have to unlock your car right? BUT HOW? haa, that's when the token comes into the picture. You just need to tap and hold your token on the bottom right side of the front windscreen. Wait for the red light turn to orange (then you will hear the car unlock itself) and then the orange light will turn to green. COOL RIGHT. okay car unlock liao, but no key, how to drive? where to get the key from? MAI GANCHEONG! the key is located in the front dashboard. before driving off, BE SURE TO CHECK THE CAR THOROUGHLY for any extra scratches or dents. there will be a card indicating any cosmetic flaws to the car cause by other users. You do not need to update anything, just give Whizzcar a call if there are other extra damages you find.

So there you are! Ready for a drive! But, be sure to be a courteous driver and fill up the petrol tank for the next user ya! There's far too many times i took the car and the tank was only a quarter full! NAUGHTY NAUGHTY! *inserts angry face* I don't understand! Why is it so hard to fill up the petrol? Petrol is fully reimbursable, FYI. GOOD RIGHT?!

Upon returning your car, place the keys back into the slot inside the dashboard. Check that no belongings are left behind. I learnt a lesson the hard way the first time because i left my cashcard with $30+ value in the IU unit and locked the car with the token. TAKE NOTE: You can't unlock the car once you tap your token on the "idk-what-gadget-that-is" to lock the car to signify the end of your booking session.

FYI, if you're going to go several places, you don't need to tap your token to unlock/lock the car. Just lock the car manually with the key.

That's about the first part of registering with Whizzcar.

What are the damages?
One time Joining fee: SGD107 (payable only for first month)
Refundable deposit: SGD100 (payable only for first month)
Subsequent monthly membership: SGD10.70 (irregardless of bookings made or otherwise)

What are the requirements to sign up for Whizzcar?
Valid driver's license (DUH!!)
Minimum 1 year experience
Between 21 to 65 years old
Singaporean, PR or EP holder

Next post, I will talk about the pros and cons of Whizzcar, and why i still decide to stick to Whizzcar.

Stay tuned!

Susah nak dapat, tumbuk nak?

I'm so angry that I feel that if you're not going to at least put in the effort, then just don't be there at my wedding. I'm trying to find time to bring my parents shop for their outfit, but I'm always called for overtime or just too tired to go out in the afternoon.

You own a car. You just need to find the time to go to places that sells cloths to find the colour that you need, DUH. Don't bullshit me that the colour i requested is hard to find okay. I personally went around to look for the particular colour and i literally go bonkers because i feel like having each and every shade of them because they're so pretty like that.

Worst comes to worst, there is always ready made dresses. BANYAK okay. Pat JB, go lah when free. If lazy to drive across the causeway, there is Poplook.com . It has the colour that i want. I know i know, mengada-ngada kan? But peduli apa, my hari what.

And as for the guys, KORANG JANGAN NAK TIPU. Uniqlo ada. aku bukan mintak korang pakai baju bunga2 ke ape. It's just a plain coloured shirt. Which you can eventually use at other times if you're not a bunga2/wak jawa kind of person.

So am i not being compromising enough? Am i being difficult? TOO DIFFICULT?

Please, if you feel that you can't find the colour, or can't seem to find the time to hunt for it, please drop me a text so I can help get the cloths for you, AT YOUR OWN EXPENSES.

On a sidenote, I need contacts for a reliable tailor based in SG. I don't think i'm brave enough to drive across the causeway without fiance sitting next to me. Besides, F doubles up as my talking GPS and helps me utilize Google maps because I can't multitask whilst driving (and hey, it's an offence to use the phone whilst driving yo!)

Please lah, i want this episode to be over. I'm technically only left with my bridesmaids and parents. And oh, i have yet to personally go over my biological mom's house to ask them to be a part of my wedding. Becaaaauseee, even though they didn't raise me up since i was a newborn, the least i could do is invite them and be part of my big day, as one big family.

This Mental Exhaustion

Any Tom, Harry & Jane who knows me, will not believe what I'm actually going through, because, yeah, I look normal. I probably look the least troubled, hey what not with a stable career, not much commitments, parents who are thankfully still healthy.

Sometimes I don't know if having the strength to persevere, endure, the strength to motivate myself when things around me seems to be crumbling slowly, is a good thing or otherwise. It definitely took a toll on me over the years.

I am not someone who is able to express her feelings verbally, probably because I'm the only child, my parents and me have this generation gap due to our age difference and that my parents aren't really exposed to what kids/teenagers nowadays do, and we can seldom communicate our message across.

It was a long journey. And a relapse is definitely not something I need, or want.

My "angels" back then when i was growing up came in the form of teachers. I had two, one in primary school and the other when i was in secondary one. I had not much recollection of my time in primary school, other than the fact that i had been constantly bullied, scolded for not scoring well, criticised for various reasons. Mrs James, I remembered her name. No one liked her, she spoke funny (indian accent, what do you expect), but really she's a nice lady. Somehow back then I didn't know who to talk to, I wrote her a note, she noticed a concern for attention through my writings and became this motherly figure for me in school, but not for long, because then i had to sit for my PSLE and then left primary school for good.

Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if my brother was still around. I didn't liked having to live with a stranger in my house, even though he's just an uncle. The amount of anger i had was immense.

Secondary school. Nothing much changed. Though i have to admit I did have a problem fitting and blending in. I have a wonderful teacher in secondary one, we had journal writing. It was very helpful for me as well. And so happens the same teacher also taught my class science, which then instilled this curiosity for science, and chemistry. I did well for science, but only in secondary one. But then again, she had to leave for Henderson secondary. Glad that i'm still in touch with her on facebook, oh, the power of social media. Ms Kristina Chandran, the teacher who i laughed at when she fell in the biology lab, but who also helped me get through my early teenage years.

Secondary school was hard. Every year I had to endure torments from outsiders. From people who constantly tried to pull and drag me down, who doubts my capabilities, who thinks i cheat in exams, who gets red eyed when i still manage to stay in the express stream, who, are at a disbelieve that i was doing triple pure science and additional mathematics. I'm just down there like, what did i do wrong to these people till they have so much hate?

But there i am, keeping quiet, trying to ignore all the negativities, the condescending remarks. But I had a problem, I couldn't be left alone. I would constantly cry to myself, and even cry myself to sleep. I wished I didn't exist, I wished I wasn't born.

Polytechnic life was another vicious cycle. I did what I did because I had to. Then I found out that I was adopted when my biological father passed away. I was 18. Wham! More drama ensued. I guess some people have the disability to think that for a person my age, certain things are too much for me to take in.

Dramas. Fighting this battle in myself, fighting the battle with outsiders. I told myself, i need to heal. i need to heal. i need to be okay. i hated the counselling sessions. i hate having to eat medications on time, and regularly. I may seem to appear normal, but it wasn't easy.

By the time i "saw the light at the end of the tunnel" I already had one foot in into the working world. Hey things wasn't so bad initially. But if you knew me for the past 6 years then you would have known how much i "suffered".

By then i was off from the shits i was prescribed. I told myself to just think positive, but it wasn't so easy. Sometimes i just gave up and told myself that i'm simply jinxed, and that i'm better off dead. I still think that way up till this day, i constantly have suicidal thoughts. I had to have a clear mind, but i have none of it. I can't seem to let my mind be calm, because by then anxiety would have come and paid a visit, and my head start hurting from the racing thoughts.

I told myself, I can control it. I was wrong.

I had to keep myself busy in order to "control" it. I was juggling my full time rotating shift work with my freelance deliveries, with my online sales, and then having whatever time i have left just resting. That only applies in the day time because that's when I'm free to roam around. But at night, especially on nights where i'm not working or on morning shifts, I can literally go crazy. I get restless, tired from overthinking, tired from trying to shut my mind up, tired from telling myself that everything's going to be worth the wait and effort, tired from not trying to be paranoid: It's a continuous cycle.

Maybe depression is something that not many are willing to talk about openly. Somehow I personally know someone who used to suffer from it. The similarities we have are just so ... coincidental.

I recently seek help again, for this thing i thought i could control. That, is only after being pressured by a close friend. I now have less suicidal tendencies, I can finally sleep well (after 10 years of disturbed, short, poor quality sleep). But my appetite for food is still low, maybe I've been too accustomed to eating less, and i still have problems accepting the fact that I am adopted. I now enjoy my time more at home, instead of dreading off days because i have and i must be home. Work is like a place for me to destress. I don't have much people i could call friends.

But can i say that i am now mentally and emotionally okay? No. I am still drained. Not only do i have to let the anti-depressants do its job, i also have to fight against it. Irony? The people around me also have a part to play. And someone at work is clearly not doing his/her job. In the simplest terms, his/her presence is just to happily trigger my other self that i'm trying to bury deep underground.

Sometimes i wonder how i got the motivation to carry on with life. Other than work being a place for me to destress (also having clowns as colleagues helps take the load off for a bit). That's where the review and counselling sessions come in handy. I use whatever I do best as a source of motivation. It numbs the pain, it kept me going.

When colours complicate.

Ibu called her siblings over to my place to discuss about the wedding, of all times, on a day where i had to work night shift! I had to practically zombie my night away at work. Dear mom, if you nak plan these kind of gatherings to discuss MY wedding, do so when I'm not working pleaaseeee.

So the agenda on the list is to actually decide on a colour for the maternal and paternal side to wear. I have already decided on a colour for each side, after considering the deco colours i've picked.

This is where, chaos ensued. This is the first time i went on a bridezilla mode. Come on, I've lived my WHOLE life listening to others, following their instructions and all, I can't possibly let other people override my decisions for my own wedding? And it's not like i picked a ridiculous colour or ask them to wear clown suits for my wedding.

Enough is enough. Fuck respect. Stood my ground firm and said out loud, "BUT IT IS MY WEDDING!"

I have reasons why I insisted on everyone to don the same shade of colour. To me blue is blue, purple is purple, if i pick that colour, THAT COLOUR IT SHALL BE, not blue-red, blue-purple, whatever lah.

Point is, on my BIG DAY, i want to see my family united as one, "disguised" in unison wearing the same colour to at least represent the family. Only god knows how long since we last met up as one big happy fucking family. Ouh, please pardon my vulgarities. I just need to send this message across.

I may look rough but those who knows me truly, knows that i have a big botanic garden in my heart. There are few occasions where i attended the wedding and literally all the family members stood as one wearing the same colour. A great example would be the one where I accompanied F to his relative's wedding or smth, the whole family wore yellow as in ROYAL YELLOW omg they look like bananas coz i'm hungry like that. Add in blue tudung/songket they'll definitely look like minions!

So definitely on my big day, as i sat on my dais, eyes wandering around (because in order for me to NOT SHAKE MY LEGS, my eyes have to wander around, and yes, i have a very bad habit of shaking my legs when i sit), it would definitely soothe my eyes to see everyone wearing the same colour, embracing the moment where I'm Queen for the day. I can't imagine sitting and observing one family wear this colour, another family wear that colour, eh, eyes pain ok? And kinda saddening coz macam no cooperation between families. This is what i believe la.

And no, i'm not asking all of you to wear the same design same pattern, macam uniform like that. NO. All i'm asking is you to buy cloths, and go tailor them yourselves according to your liking. IN A WAY I AM GIVING YOU FREEDOM TO BE CREATIVE AND WEAR WHATEVER DESIGN YOU WANT, JUST IN A COLOR THAT I WANT. It would definitely be easier if i bought the cloths for them but nooooooooo, i can understand each individual may be suitable for this type of cloth but others may not.

See! The problem is already there when I suggested to buy the cloths for them to make their lives easier. At least I am not troubling you to find time and hunt for the cloths. But I've got to thank one of my aunts for being such an easygoing person and say she won't mind ready-made bajus. So yeay! Thank you bibik!

Another note, I'm not having people wear black for my wedding if you're a family member. Imagine the whole lot of you wearing black, YOU WILL JUST LOOK LIKE A SEA OF DEMENTORS SUCKING IN SOULS ON MY WEDDING!!! Doesn't matter if you decide to pair your black baju with other colour hijab/shawls, IT IS STILL A NO. NO NO NO. A wedding is supposed to be a happy affair. If you're turning up to look like a dementor then please tell me in advance so i can standby a bright coloured abaya for you to wear so you don't make my wedding gloomy.

I just want this episode of choosing colours for the family to be done and over with. I may be someone who is always sembarang, okay go, but when i know what i want, i will insist things to follow my way. I will make sure to check on the colours that each family bought. People are saying you won't have time for that. But hey, I have 4 days off after every 4 days of work, what makes you think I won't have time? Don't be surprised eh. Call me a brat if you want but I am spending twenty-over thousand for a two day event just to tire myself out and watch people eat so you better cooperate and don't spoil my big day.

Just a side-note: NO ONE poisoned me anything when i wrote this post, it is basically what i feel after the short gathering. I am 27, I don't need anyone to poison me into having things go my own way.

Another note: Just glad i signed up for a full package with Mawarprada. More to come soon.

A trip to the Mega Wedding Expo.

back to back night shifts is honestly killing me. but i guess i rather do continuous night shifts because it won't really disrupt my body clock. heh~ besides i dread doing morning shifts when there are so many extra manpower around because that'll only mean i have to always pretend to be busy or look for things to do. sometimes it's really just swatting flies. do i love my job? yes ... and no ... there are days where i just want to stay at home sleep and work on my stickers lol

took leave the other day to bring my parents to the Mega Wedding Expo (besides, it was my morning shift). Mawarprada took part in the event so might as well drop by to make the balance payment lah kan. And since it wasn't really crowded manage to have a chit chat with Kak Liza, the mak andam. The funny part was, the people from the opposite booth was already eyeing on me and my mom because we sat down not for even half an hour and i took out the cash to make the balance payment for the deposit. They must've been puzzled laa kan? But .. padahal2. hehe

So basically my wedding is already settled, except for bedroom deco, henna & the wedding invitations. Mom enquired Kak Liza & Kak Mar to also help us do the bedroom deco but they were hesitant to give us a quotation. They insisted that the bedroom deco can be DIY-ed and it'll be much cheaper than engaging a vendor to do so. Kak Liza started dropping ideas for me and even offered to lend me the cloths if i decide on a tiffany theme.

ah. colors. i've been bad at colors since like foreevvaaaaah. so i have to slowly look through people's wedding pictures and look at what colors is nice.

Was slowly browsing through MWG facebook and realized ... MY COLLEAGUE ENGAGED MAWARPRADA FOR HIS WEDDING. which was like, 3 years back i think? Maybe more because I was still with that idiot. The picture below is of his wedding setup. The MPH was quite big in my opinion thus the tables and chairs are quite spaced out.

Of course i'll be blogging about Mawarprada first lah kan so the pictures are all of their works. The color combination is niceeeeeee. Blue, violet(???), purple, white. I like the dangling balls (okay sounds crude) and the dome buttttt... it's gonna be quite impossible i guess since i'm holding my wedding at the void deck. sooo prolly a pass.

I wish my void deck is as spacious as this. It is spacious but this picture is more spacious! MEH~

So many choices. So confused! People are telling me to stop thinking of the deco and think of the baju nikah sanding and the outfits for the families and bridesmaids. But when I told them we'll go kain shopping next month, they asked me what colors am i choosing for my deco? SAY WHAAT?

Told my mom that the colors that the families will be wearing have to be STRICTLY OF THE SAME COLOR. no two shades darker or lighter. Mom's side will be wearing a lighter shade and dad's side will be a darker tone. What color have yet to be decided lah. Must consult some people regards to the deco colors if not my family members will end up looking like walking curtains HAHAHHAHA

Basically that's just it. Didn't lookout for any other vendors because I'm pretty much done with the major stuffs. Hopped over to the Isetan expo sale hoping to shop but it was so disappointing. Waiting for John Little expo sale next!

To be honest my heart's a little broken right now and i'll have to brainstorm of other ideas, and i seriously hate the waiting game. More about that soon!

4 more hours till end of shift. jiayou!

Guess who's back?

10 days late but ... HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!!

Alot has happened of late. Argued too much, cried too much. But all is well now, alhamdulillah. Le fiancé got into a not-so-minor accident last month, and it kinda woke us up quite a fair bit. Thankful (but not so thankful) that he managed to escape with several patches of abrasions and deep wounds, and is all well on the road to recovery.

Been keeping myself quiet of late. Avoiding people who are toxic to my emotional health. Went to see the doctor about my sleeping problem, and how my mood is always affecting F most times. I should have gone to the doctor earlier and not let things dragged. Because I believed that I could handle the problems on my own when in actual fact I needed that extra help.

Round two of anti-depressants and hello to more counselling sessions. I DREAD COUNSELLING SESSIONS PLEASE. Because I'm not someone who verbally expresses herself easily, unless I'm very angry and you drive me up against the wall. I shall not elaborate on this now. I shall not even explain to people because well, most of them will only understand up to their own level of understanding. Okay does this even make sense? An example would be like ... "sure or not you depressed? But you look okay le..." heh. You don't have to ground yourself in your room just to be depressed okay. Some people just hide it better than others.

Anywayyyyy ...

I'm down to 10 months to the big day. People have been asking about my wedding preparations and I will always say .... I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET. Yes, not a single preparation, or recce on the deco or which vendors i want! And I am not even in bridezilla mode. And I'm still cool with things, because I'm just weird like that. hehehe

My parents are more excited about the wedding than me. Excuse me, I nak kahwin ke you all yang nak kahwin eh? Please eh, stop it ehh! Initially wanted to just hold a small 500pax wedding because I don't have much relatives but nooo. Ayah says he wants to invite the whole Bukomites population whom he knows. Please tell me it's the WHOLE bukom eh not just his PU to justify for 1000pax invitations.

We went over to Mawarprada Wedding Gallery to (finally) place a deposit and block the dates. Glad that our slot is still available because November is fully packed! Now I hope that I can still find vendors to fill in the services that isn't included in Mawarprada's package.

Why Mawarprada?

1st - It HAD been the vendor I was eyeing for ever since I was still with the ex. Loved their deco. Though I know other vendors prolly can do better. BUT I STILL LOVED THEM. Thanks to sara for intro-ing MWG MANY YEARS BACK i don't remember when but i think back in 2011? 2012?
2nd - F is somehow related to Mawarprada. Sooooooo, it's gonna be easier to liaise lah kan!

Initially I was against the idea of F's mom wanting to engage their own relative to handle his wedding event. Because from "past experiences", sedara selalu makan sedara. Before wedding say this price, then during wedding step "got shortage, tak cukup ni tak cukup tu" then after wedding need to top up several thousand more. Eh you think money can magically drop from the sky?

But when I found out that F's relatives is the boss of Mawarprada, I WAS ELATED I TELL YOU. F obviously had no idea of Mawarprada or it's existence (biasa lah typical guys mana nak take note of these things kan), and I told F, OKAY GO! BOLEH! CAN ENGAGE YOUR RELATIVE!

I will blog more about the vendors that I had met soon (if i tak malas). Work is going to be a bitch soon for my shift because I have to cover for my colleague who's going for an operation. And work is quite a bitch now because I have to train my team mate, not that I do NOT want to train her but .... well, no comments lah kan.

Anyway me & F had accomplished our 2015 goals. Belanja satu gambar je ok?

traded in his super 4 for a rabbit! and traded in my gixxer for a fz1s. SO EXCITED TO HAVE THEM NEXT TO MY PELAMIN SOON!!!

ok good night.