Still searching for a happy ever after

Few more hours till the end of my last night shift. And I'm right here thinking, what do i do now, where do i go from here?

Still suffocating at this age. An age whereby most have already attain freedom of some sort. But not me. 21st december, and all i see are happy couples getting engaged or married. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm unhappy with my current relationship. In fact, I am elated to find someone like Fairuz, who understands my needs, especially when i am still much affected and still holding grudges to the past.

Most times I wish I could break free, free from the chains that bind me, that pulls me down. Constantly being compared to other people, when in fact I know that they aren't all that perfect either. Still wondering what else I can do to prove that I am matured enough to be trusted.

All i can say is, I'm just sick and tired of everything that's happening. But all i can do is just put on a smile and walk my own journey, even though the route has been fenced up and I have no other options but to stick to the journey planned by others.

A new start

It's been almost 3 months we've been together. I got out of my shell (cave, to be exact), slowly broke down my walls because of him. I felt kinda guilty though, that initially, he had to hear stories after stories about me and the ex, but i'm thankful that he's here for me now, to listen to me rant, and understand why i'm this way. I made it clear that i will not hesitate to leave at the slightest mistake. Initially he gave me the assurance, but then again, what use are they if not proven with actions?

But time passed, efforts after efforts, he proved to be a man of his words. True enough, that whilst our relationship is still new (probably to most people, still in our honeymoon phase), i see positive outcomes from this. I slowly found myself back on track, found back half the person i once was (even though not fully who i was, but i guess that'll suffice), and gave myself, gave both of us a chance to embark on a new journey together, accepting each other's flaws, learn and help each other be a better person.

Maturity doesn't come with age, maturity comes in the way a person thinks. One could be a 40 year old bastard but still acts like a fucking douchebag, troubling anyone and everyone that he could.

To be honest, I struggled with paranoia during the first few weeks of dating. But then there's just something about him that made me tell myself "it's okay, be patient, give him a chance." I don't know why but it's just, different. Probably the consolation is just that we have the same group of friends that i eventually got close with over time. And that my friends is now his friends too.

What excites me now is that we both have plans with each other. No, I am not that kinda "kakak-kakak kahwin" person, like who i was waaaay back then. I still shudder at the thoughts of attending weddings. It still gives me painful flashbacks, which I am still learning to let go (though i know i should already let go when i'm already with Fai).

To know that you have a partner who shares the same goals, same dreams, same mindset, without you having to even tell it to them, is already a coincidental blessing. Only God knows how my heart lights up when he told me of all his plans for his future. Yes, i have learnt to keep my mouth shut about what i really want for myself for i do not want to be seen as demanding or expecting too much. Now at least, i definitely know that i won't have to go through everything ALONE, like how i had to for the past 4 years.

Can't express how thankful i am to have you in my life right now. To be accepted by each other's family, is also another blessing. Looking forward to the weeks, months, years ahead with you.

A new chapter begins,

and hopefully,

it'll never end.

xoxo 

SJ4000 wifi video upload

Went for a short night ride with the boyfriend and his group of bike friends the other day, thought i'll just bring my SJ4000 to record the ride. Initially thought it's gonna be fun due to the turnout but because we started the ride late (janji melayu katekan), several of the riders left even before the actual ride started.

Rode my own bike and asked boyfriend to adjust the camera for me. I kinda struggle with adjusting the position of the camera though. At times the camera is just facing downwards or upwards and in the end the videos i captured during my rides are crap! Kinda like how the video turns out even though it is at night. Watch the video in HD, otherwise you'd think SJ4000 gives crapshit quality videos.

Well, not trying to spoil market for the GoPro hero owners but I shall say that SJ4000 is a much better buy and wallet friendly. Why would you need a GoPro (and spend so much on it) just for taking selfies anyway? *sighs* SINGAPOREANS. lolx~

I guess that's about it for SJ4000 for now. toodles!

Sportscam Review: WDV5000 vs SJ400 wifi

PS (18/11/14): I just realized the video playback isn't what is ACTUALLY recorded. I shall upload it to youtube and link it here when time permits. be patient! 

And so, i received a SJ4000 Wifi as an early birthday gift. yeay! It wasn't something i expected, in fact, i nearly bought one for myself (just short of waiting for payday) till my friend passed the gift to me and TADAAA, SJ4000 yeay!

Prior to SJ4000, i bought another brand of action camera few months back, which is the WDV5000. I have this aunty mentality, and i will really just get anything that's cheaper (then regret it later). I'll explain why later.

Top: Video recording from SJ4000. note the lighting adjustments that the camera did when i entered KPE tunnel. Video is taken at (1280*720) 60 fps. I read somewhere that recording stuffs with lower resolution will drain your battery life less. For now i guess 60fps will be just nice for my journey to and fro from work. Anyway i still carry around my powerbank should i need to recharge the battery. (:

So anyway, there is this setting for SJ4000 that allows you to choose whether you want to record your  videos in a continuous cycle or in splits of 3, 5 or 10 minutes. You can go to the settings under

Cyclic (press OK *button on top*) > select OFF / 3 minutes / 5 minutes / 10 minutes . I set it to 5 minutes because I am not so good with technology nowadays. Talk about getting old .. lol

Top: Video recording from WDV5000. Playback on my Samsung Galaxy Note 3 irregardless of putting in the memory card into the phone or through the WIFI app. However, when I downloaded the videos, it is playable BUT there will be this popout saying "UNSUPPORTED AUDIO CODEC". A point to note, upon playback, audio clarity is very bad. 

As for the WIFI function on WDV5000, unfortunately the remote WASN'T EVEN WORKING. thus I had to connect the camera through my phone. Likewise for SJ4000, it doesn't come with the remote but the app is quite easy to use as you can just connect to the camera through the application itself without needing to manually find the connection through your phone's settings.

However, for both SJ4000 and WDV5000, there is a considerable timelag of a few seconds if you want to take selfies with your camera. It works just fine for videos by the way. So when taking pictures with either of the camera through your phone, do wait several seconds after pressing the shutter button before you look away okay?

But why do you need to take selfies using an action camera? I don't see the whole point of selfies using an action camera. Okay fine probably, like the GoPro, it manages to capture a wide angle view, which is desirable when capturing background sceneries. OH YA, talking about wide angle views, for wider range, it's best to opt for SJ4000 because it has a 170 degrees view as compared to 120 degrees view on the WDV5000.

Left: WDV 5000 vs Right: SJ4000

Notice anything on the waterproof housing? Yes it's different. Take note that the WDV5000 is not really compatible with GoPro mounts and will need slight modifications to make it more GoPro mounts compatible. Which was probably why I didn't manage to use it to mount on my bike or helmet to capture my daily rides.

The accessories for WDV5000 was pathetic, veryveryvery pathetic! It only came with a BICYCLE helmet strap mount, and a handlebar mount/clamp. As for the SJ4000, it came with various types of mounts, 3M tapes, cable ties, flat mounts, belt clips and etc. It can also double as a dashboard camera (you can change that in the settings, basically the camera will automatically record once connected to power supply, like in the case of in-car cameras.) 

I will probably list down my experiences with both WDV5000 and SJ4000 in a table when i have more free time (yaa right, like as if my current 1 week off from work isn't more than enough time).

WDV5000 is NOT worth the investment even though it is much cheaper and comes with WIFI. It failed on me few months ago after I came back from my phuket trip. Not sure if i overcharged it, i RARELY overcharge my gadgets because somehow, I always forgot to charge my gadgets and always end up with a flat battery thereafter. But yes, WDV5000 died on me. Not sure if it was the battery fault, but upon charging (irregardless of through power supply or through PC), the camera gets VERY HOT upon charging. The battery wasn't bloated or whatsoever, so I didn't really know what was the underlying causes of the overheating and the malfunctioning of the camera. I tried finding an extra battery for WDV5000 over Ebay, Qoo10 but to no avail. Anyway since i already have my SJ4000, i can safely say I'm sticking to it and i can chuck away the WDV5000 down the rubbish chute.

Anyway, if you're wondering if i'll make the switch to GoPro soon, I guess the answer will be no because well.. i am not so adventurous and don't find the need for top end action cameras for my rides and erm selfies once in awhile.

I'll add on more to this post if i feel that i am missing some points. But till then, that's all for now. Hope it helps those thinking if they should invest in an SJ4000 or otherwise.

Transitioning

I happen to be in a phase whereby I'm just comfortable being just on my own, alone, doing my own stuffs, minding my own business. I don't even bother step out of the house unless it's for work, because I'm just comfortable like that. I can stay home all day watching my korean dramas, playing games, and catching up on my much needed sleep... or not really. I don't and I can't really sleep well unless I had a very busy shift.

As time passes by I find it meaningless to elaborate to people as to what happened to my engagement, I'm still finding that reason as to WHY I can't move the fuck on after 8 months of leaving that ex for good. It's like "come on you left him all the more you shouldn't be the least affected in losing someone that's truly not worth your effort and time!"

Yeah Yeah. I know. It's much easier said than done. Why I find it hard to move on, I don't even know. To counter that feeling I just confine myself and push people away. Not that I locked myself up at home totally on my off days, I do still go out with the gixxers and all, but that's that.

I have friends who tried to lure me out of my so called solitude, but they've all failed ...

I lost my grandfather recently, last week to be exact, it only reminded me of how short life is. I had to do something. I had to get out of everything, whatever that's bothering me. Perhaps I should just take that little step and open up to the world, not literally though.

Not sure if this happiness is temporary, but surely, deep inside I'm still scarred, I'm still scared.

No one wants a history they don't wish to remember, repeat.

Road to recovery

I'm still struggling to recover from the failed 4 years relationship, to be honest. Well, after all those socializing, i thought i had settled in well into my new "life".

Well, that was where I was wrong.

In crowds, that's when i felt lonelier than i ever was. That feeling of being alone even though you're surrounded by people. Which is probably why I just choose to stay at home or have my "alone" time somewhere secluded. As time passes by, I am just comfortable just being on my own.

I don't deny that I have this yearning to be with someone. But I guess I'll just take my own damn sweet time to really open up myself to someone. Truth be told, I do not believe that good MALAY guys exist, even if they do, they are most probably already taken by someone else.

I no longer feel the need to lower myself, or even lower my expectations just to fit into someone's life. If "he" feels like he lacks something, then "he" should do all that he can to try and please me if "he" claims that he "loves" me. Love? What's that? Hah~

Well, someone insisted that it's time i open up my heart and let him come into my life and change things. But oh, when I mentioned about his tattoo, how did he react? HA-HA. Well, I don't really mind about the tattoos though. But if my parents dislike guys with tattoos to be my prospective boyfriend, what more a husband? In the first place, I don't favour him enough for me to open up myself to him, let alone fall for him and not mind about his tattoos and go against my parent's wishes.

Yea. It's just that stigma that people with tattoos are bad people. Yaaaa yaaa. People change yadda yadda yadda. You know what? Shut .. the ... fuck .. up. You don't understand my parents, so shut up.

Nowadays, the guys that i come across are mainly those typical malays. If they're not a lazy scum, he'll be that potential "i-will-cheat-on-you-behind-your-back" kinda person. Dear prince charming, where art thou?

I'm trying so hard to forget everything that happened. Trying sooo sooo hard. Sooo hard it makes me break into tears at the most random times. I know people have been saying this and that, but those sacrifices I made, were they not enough?

I know that I shouldn't harp and hold onto the past. It's just that hard. And some people have been saying that I'm desperate to find a replacement. Look, I don't get it. Which part of holding on to the past indicates that I'm desperate to love and be loved? I'm not the slightest jealous even if you and your other half stand in front of me and act lovey dovey, cuddling and kissing in front of me.

It's just hard to explain. Just .. so .. hard.

Is it just so hard to only want the best for yourself? I do want the best for myself, which is why i'm taking my damn own sweet time to heal and allow others to read me like an open book.

I learnt to be selfish because of you.

It's Official.

It's been almost 3 months since i last blogged. Alot had happened over the past few weeks.

Firstly, I'm officially single. *hooray*? NOT.

I'm still struggling with the fact that someone whom you rooted so much for, isn't even fighting. But it's for the best, for myself especially. I'll know better than to host a parasite who's going to be the death of me.

Had quite a talk with my friend when i came for overtime. What she said made enough sense, that yeap, it's like i didn't even know the person i supposedly want to get married to. Lies after lies, and i still stick with him through all the nonsense he had me cleared. I wonder how i got all my energy from, to put up with all of what i went through. I wonder how i garnered all the optimism, believing that he'll change.

One thing i've learnt is that, a leopard never changes its spots. Especially that of a compulsive liar.

I'm meeting new people, going out with friends, but one thing for sure, i doubt i'll let myself into another relationship so soon. I still feel sour over everything, but I've come to terms with reality and finally stopped beating myself up over whatever happened and whatever that didn't go my way. Technically, with sincere effort, all these could have been accomplished.

But indeed, actions speaks louder than words.

I know, I know that things will never be easy. I'm sailing through rough seas so to speak, but then I didn't expect things just gets harder and harder along the way, so hard that I can't even see things getting easier.

And even after the official engagement breakup, i'm still finding out things that was kept hidden away from me for much too long. It's not worth any sacrifice and effort.

If there's one thing i regret, I regret putting so much effort and wasting so much time, when I could have used all that energy into something else much more beneficial.

Is it just that hard to be honest? To realize that I don't deserve everything I got?

I really hope you regret all your fucking life. I really do.