When colours complicate.

Ibu called her siblings over to my place to discuss about the wedding, of all times, on a day where i had to work night shift! I had to practically zombie my night away at work. Dear mom, if you nak plan these kind of gatherings to discuss MY wedding, do so when I'm not working pleaaseeee.

So the agenda on the list is to actually decide on a colour for the maternal and paternal side to wear. I have already decided on a colour for each side, after considering the deco colours i've picked.

This is where, chaos ensued. This is the first time i went on a bridezilla mode. Come on, I've lived my WHOLE life listening to others, following their instructions and all, I can't possibly let other people override my decisions for my own wedding? And it's not like i picked a ridiculous colour or ask them to wear clown suits for my wedding.

Enough is enough. Fuck respect. Stood my ground firm and said out loud, "BUT IT IS MY WEDDING!"

I have reasons why I insisted on everyone to don the same shade of colour. To me blue is blue, purple is purple, if i pick that colour, THAT COLOUR IT SHALL BE, not blue-red, blue-purple, whatever lah.

Point is, on my BIG DAY, i want to see my family united as one, "disguised" in unison wearing the same colour to at least represent the family. Only god knows how long since we last met up as one big happy fucking family. Ouh, please pardon my vulgarities. I just need to send this message across.

I may look rough but those who knows me truly, knows that i have a big botanic garden in my heart. There are few occasions where i attended the wedding and literally all the family members stood as one wearing the same colour. A great example would be the one where I accompanied F to his relative's wedding or smth, the whole family wore yellow as in ROYAL YELLOW omg they look like bananas coz i'm hungry like that. Add in blue tudung/songket they'll definitely look like minions!

So definitely on my big day, as i sat on my dais, eyes wandering around (because in order for me to NOT SHAKE MY LEGS, my eyes have to wander around, and yes, i have a very bad habit of shaking my legs when i sit), it would definitely soothe my eyes to see everyone wearing the same colour, embracing the moment where I'm Queen for the day. I can't imagine sitting and observing one family wear this colour, another family wear that colour, eh, eyes pain ok? And kinda saddening coz macam no cooperation between families. This is what i believe la.

And no, i'm not asking all of you to wear the same design same pattern, macam uniform like that. NO. All i'm asking is you to buy cloths, and go tailor them yourselves according to your liking. IN A WAY I AM GIVING YOU FREEDOM TO BE CREATIVE AND WEAR WHATEVER DESIGN YOU WANT, JUST IN A COLOR THAT I WANT. It would definitely be easier if i bought the cloths for them but nooooooooo, i can understand each individual may be suitable for this type of cloth but others may not.

See! The problem is already there when I suggested to buy the cloths for them to make their lives easier. At least I am not troubling you to find time and hunt for the cloths. But I've got to thank one of my aunts for being such an easygoing person and say she won't mind ready-made bajus. So yeay! Thank you bibik!

Another note, I'm not having people wear black for my wedding if you're a family member. Imagine the whole lot of you wearing black, YOU WILL JUST LOOK LIKE A SEA OF DEMENTORS SUCKING IN SOULS ON MY WEDDING!!! Doesn't matter if you decide to pair your black baju with other colour hijab/shawls, IT IS STILL A NO. NO NO NO. A wedding is supposed to be a happy affair. If you're turning up to look like a dementor then please tell me in advance so i can standby a bright coloured abaya for you to wear so you don't make my wedding gloomy.

I just want this episode of choosing colours for the family to be done and over with. I may be someone who is always sembarang, okay go, but when i know what i want, i will insist things to follow my way. I will make sure to check on the colours that each family bought. People are saying you won't have time for that. But hey, I have 4 days off after every 4 days of work, what makes you think I won't have time? Don't be surprised eh. Call me a brat if you want but I am spending twenty-over thousand for a two day event just to tire myself out and watch people eat so you better cooperate and don't spoil my big day.

Just a side-note: NO ONE poisoned me anything when i wrote this post, it is basically what i feel after the short gathering. I am 27, I don't need anyone to poison me into having things go my own way.

Another note: Just glad i signed up for a full package with Mawarprada. More to come soon.

A trip to the Mega Wedding Expo.

back to back night shifts is honestly killing me. but i guess i rather do continuous night shifts because it won't really disrupt my body clock. heh~ besides i dread doing morning shifts when there are so many extra manpower around because that'll only mean i have to always pretend to be busy or look for things to do. sometimes it's really just swatting flies. do i love my job? yes ... and no ... there are days where i just want to stay at home sleep and work on my stickers lol

took leave the other day to bring my parents to the Mega Wedding Expo (besides, it was my morning shift). Mawarprada took part in the event so might as well drop by to make the balance payment lah kan. And since it wasn't really crowded manage to have a chit chat with Kak Liza, the mak andam. The funny part was, the people from the opposite booth was already eyeing on me and my mom because we sat down not for even half an hour and i took out the cash to make the balance payment for the deposit. They must've been puzzled laa kan? But .. padahal2. hehe

So basically my wedding is already settled, except for bedroom deco, henna & the wedding invitations. Mom enquired Kak Liza & Kak Mar to also help us do the bedroom deco but they were hesitant to give us a quotation. They insisted that the bedroom deco can be DIY-ed and it'll be much cheaper than engaging a vendor to do so. Kak Liza started dropping ideas for me and even offered to lend me the cloths if i decide on a tiffany theme.

ah. colors. i've been bad at colors since like foreevvaaaaah. so i have to slowly look through people's wedding pictures and look at what colors is nice.

Was slowly browsing through MWG facebook and realized ... MY COLLEAGUE ENGAGED MAWARPRADA FOR HIS WEDDING. which was like, 3 years back i think? Maybe more because I was still with that idiot. The picture below is of his wedding setup. The MPH was quite big in my opinion thus the tables and chairs are quite spaced out.

Of course i'll be blogging about Mawarprada first lah kan so the pictures are all of their works. The color combination is niceeeeeee. Blue, violet(???), purple, white. I like the dangling balls (okay sounds crude) and the dome buttttt... it's gonna be quite impossible i guess since i'm holding my wedding at the void deck. sooo prolly a pass.

I wish my void deck is as spacious as this. It is spacious but this picture is more spacious! MEH~

So many choices. So confused! People are telling me to stop thinking of the deco and think of the baju nikah sanding and the outfits for the families and bridesmaids. But when I told them we'll go kain shopping next month, they asked me what colors am i choosing for my deco? SAY WHAAT?

Told my mom that the colors that the families will be wearing have to be STRICTLY OF THE SAME COLOR. no two shades darker or lighter. Mom's side will be wearing a lighter shade and dad's side will be a darker tone. What color have yet to be decided lah. Must consult some people regards to the deco colors if not my family members will end up looking like walking curtains HAHAHHAHA

Basically that's just it. Didn't lookout for any other vendors because I'm pretty much done with the major stuffs. Hopped over to the Isetan expo sale hoping to shop but it was so disappointing. Waiting for John Little expo sale next!

To be honest my heart's a little broken right now and i'll have to brainstorm of other ideas, and i seriously hate the waiting game. More about that soon!

4 more hours till end of shift. jiayou!

Guess who's back?

10 days late but ... HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!!

Alot has happened of late. Argued too much, cried too much. But all is well now, alhamdulillah. Le fiancé got into a not-so-minor accident last month, and it kinda woke us up quite a fair bit. Thankful (but not so thankful) that he managed to escape with several patches of abrasions and deep wounds, and is all well on the road to recovery.

Been keeping myself quiet of late. Avoiding people who are toxic to my emotional health. Went to see the doctor about my sleeping problem, and how my mood is always affecting F most times. I should have gone to the doctor earlier and not let things dragged. Because I believed that I could handle the problems on my own when in actual fact I needed that extra help.

Round two of anti-depressants and hello to more counselling sessions. I DREAD COUNSELLING SESSIONS PLEASE. Because I'm not someone who verbally expresses herself easily, unless I'm very angry and you drive me up against the wall. I shall not elaborate on this now. I shall not even explain to people because well, most of them will only understand up to their own level of understanding. Okay does this even make sense? An example would be like ... "sure or not you depressed? But you look okay le..." heh. You don't have to ground yourself in your room just to be depressed okay. Some people just hide it better than others.

Anywayyyyy ...

I'm down to 10 months to the big day. People have been asking about my wedding preparations and I will always say .... I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET. Yes, not a single preparation, or recce on the deco or which vendors i want! And I am not even in bridezilla mode. And I'm still cool with things, because I'm just weird like that. hehehe

My parents are more excited about the wedding than me. Excuse me, I nak kahwin ke you all yang nak kahwin eh? Please eh, stop it ehh! Initially wanted to just hold a small 500pax wedding because I don't have much relatives but nooo. Ayah says he wants to invite the whole Bukomites population whom he knows. Please tell me it's the WHOLE bukom eh not just his PU to justify for 1000pax invitations.

We went over to Mawarprada Wedding Gallery to (finally) place a deposit and block the dates. Glad that our slot is still available because November is fully packed! Now I hope that I can still find vendors to fill in the services that isn't included in Mawarprada's package.

Why Mawarprada?

1st - It HAD been the vendor I was eyeing for ever since I was still with the ex. Loved their deco. Though I know other vendors prolly can do better. BUT I STILL LOVED THEM. Thanks to sara for intro-ing MWG MANY YEARS BACK i don't remember when but i think back in 2011? 2012?
2nd - F is somehow related to Mawarprada. Sooooooo, it's gonna be easier to liaise lah kan!

Initially I was against the idea of F's mom wanting to engage their own relative to handle his wedding event. Because from "past experiences", sedara selalu makan sedara. Before wedding say this price, then during wedding step "got shortage, tak cukup ni tak cukup tu" then after wedding need to top up several thousand more. Eh you think money can magically drop from the sky?

But when I found out that F's relatives is the boss of Mawarprada, I WAS ELATED I TELL YOU. F obviously had no idea of Mawarprada or it's existence (biasa lah typical guys mana nak take note of these things kan), and I told F, OKAY GO! BOLEH! CAN ENGAGE YOUR RELATIVE!

I will blog more about the vendors that I had met soon (if i tak malas). Work is going to be a bitch soon for my shift because I have to cover for my colleague who's going for an operation. And work is quite a bitch now because I have to train my team mate, not that I do NOT want to train her but .... well, no comments lah kan.

Anyway me & F had accomplished our 2015 goals. Belanja satu gambar je ok?

traded in his super 4 for a rabbit! and traded in my gixxer for a fz1s. SO EXCITED TO HAVE THEM NEXT TO MY PELAMIN SOON!!!

ok good night.

Why nothing feels right and why we want to leave

It's been awhile ...

It's very seldom that I spoke to someone about matters of the heart, even though I openly share it on Facebook certain times, but just to talk to someone who has been through almost the same situation as you, and who really understands your feelings, it managed to relief myself, just a little.

Nope, I neither openly air dirty laundry or share problems of my CURRENT relationship with other people, FYI. Which relationship doesn't have problems? I can say that the problems we have is nothing major, and i choose to keep it to myself most times. It's hard, but sometimes you just have to.

I'm posting on behalf of the many people who I know, who have been going through the same shit as I do, and is trying hard to rid of any negativity that clouds our mind, our hearts, which eventually affects our relationship. It's not in response to any particular post on Facebook, nor of my fiancé's, in case you decide to just jump to conclusion and assume things which aren't true.

The problem with some guys is that they just refuse to appreciate what they have, especially when they have a partner who is supportive, patient and faithful to them. Irregardless of what we women give them, they either chose to lie, cheat, treat us like ATMs, worst, abuse us. Then there are stupid women like us who are hopeful that their "man" will change over time, because we BELIEVE that change isn't a miracle and it doesn't occur overnight!

Being hopeful of the change (that eventually never comes lol!), requires patience, LOTS N LOTS of patience, we have to remain optimistic (because being negative of all the abuse we got won't change a thing, so we have to suck it up and be the stronger woman and take each day a stride each time), and when you hope, naturally you will be disappointed after some time.

Yes, one question might linger in your mind, "if his treatment is that bad to you, why don't you just fking leave?!"Again I say, we hope that he'll change. There is probably something that we see in that asshole that made us stay, that made us positive. Because we believe that if we can't endure the worst of someone, then we wouldn't deserve the best of him. Because we gave them chances after chances but the asshole just blew it away time after time. And it's only a matter of time before we decide that enough is enough.

And sometimes, when we decide to finally LEAVE, the asshole will cry crocodile tears and promised to change, yadda yadda yadda. Remember when I was engaged with the asshole and found out that he wasn't working for SEVERAL MONTHS? KEYWORD: I FKING FOUND OUT. I called it quits and gave him an ultimatum: Get a fking job by May or get the fuck out of my life. Unfortunately (for me) the asshole managed to find a job (no thanks to me!) and then i was stuck with the asshole and had to endure few more months before I really had to call it quits, goodbye, sayonara, get the fuck out of my life already thanks for wasting my time you lazy ungrateful lying robbing fat motherfucker. Yes I am still that angry with that asshole.

What do you expect, CROCODILE TEARS! The change WILL happen but it's only temporary. When these assholes are already complacent, and when these women are just trying to be happy that the change really happened, these assholes well, decide to revert to the monster that they are. How can we not be disappointed?

And when we finally call it quits, it's not without a price. We leave with a huge scar, our memories tainted with fear, paranoia, hate. We tried to get back into the dating game, but everything just isn't enough. Everything just seems to annoy us. We fear all men to be the same, we fear of having to meet another person who's the exact replica of the past. Having to get to know someone new, without knowing what sort of a person he is. We do not know the real person he is even though we know his friends, we are unaware of the things this new person is capable of.

We leave the previous asshole and we built ourselves a thick wall of protection to shield our hearts from being hurt again. No matter how hard someone tries to break them down, we pile on more layers of bricks to shield our heart, because we just do not want to encounter the same shit again.

Is it not human to feel traumatised (especially when it involves physical abuse), the paranoia that comes after that. Wasting all these years being with the wrong person. Having hopes and subsequently having them dashed.

To the next "gentlemen" who is "unlucky" enough to get women like us as partners, unfortunately you have a large plate to fill, and a difficult one to handle. Especially when you can't really give her what she wants in an instant, you have to go through hell and back just to fulfil her wants and needs and to secure your future together, if you truly love her, you'll endure, just as how she endures being with you even though she has every rights to feel as though she chose the wrong person to be her partner.

No one, I repeat, NO ONE in the right state of mind will be willing to subject themselves to another round of physical and mental torture. There is probably a unique reason why she chose to STICK to you as your partner, and you, the man, better learn to treat her right. Obviously after the bitter experience we would be selfish, we would only bother about our own needs, our own wants, that we will fail to see the good in you, the good you have done, so much so that in the end, you would give up and say that we are ungrateful and unappreciative.

Hah. Guys and their ego. Our past have cloud our mind, the good that you do, if we do NOT see it, it's as good as you NOT DOING ANYTHING at all. Remember we have been lied to? Actions speaks louder than words. No action talk only also no use. Then you'll flare at us for raising up the "sweet talker mother fucker" flag. Probably to you men, not everything have to be shared with your partner, but for us, just sharing the progress of what you've done (or share anything with your partner) is enough to give us a sense of security. We WILL be the most insecure bitches ever. And there's nothing you can do to change that. And when we feel insecure, we tend to have thoughts of leaving. Are we to blame for that?

You know what? We are not sorry for being insecure. Is it wrong to protect our own interest at heart?

We are sorry ...
for having thoughts of leaving.
for easily giving up on you.
for not having the patience to stand whatever obstacle that comes.
for not having the endurance to persevere on.
for not being optimistic enough that some good will come.

Because we have wasted all those patience, the endurance, the optimism, on someone who clearly doesn't deserve it. Sometimes it gets too much for us and we may blurt out that we feel like leaving, but did we? No. Because we still tried to salvage whatever strength that we have left to persevere on, but because of whatever that happened to us, we just ... fall and give up too easily.

Dear men, if you're just unlucky and you've encountered several women like us in your relationship (dates not counted!), and in the end your relationship doesn't last. DON'T BLAME US. Don't blame us because it seems like nothing that you do isn't enough. Blame it on the ex-es that we got! Probably blame it for yourself too (if the problems keep recurring!!!) because you just don't seem to be the best for them. If this shit is repeating over and over for you, take my advice, BE THE BEST FOR YOURSELF, BEFORE TRYING TO BE THE BEST FOR OTHER PEOPLE. If you decide to be an asshole after all this ordeal with broken women, then you have just started the ball rolling and make more women heartless and broken.

Yes, it is frustrating, to know that you have done sooooooo much yet something somewhere just doesn't go well for your woman.  But a fire won't be extinguished by fighting with fire. When your lady lay out the problems on the table, don't flip the table and go on ranting about how your efforts are not seen, or unappreciated. It will always be unfair for you. But take it in a positive stride, if you know that you are NOTHING like her previous ex, if she can love an asshole so much it changed her into a heartless selfish bitch, imagine what she can do for you once you managed to break down her walls by becoming the best person for yourself, and for her. Clearly you haven't seen the best of her now. But you will. I assure you, that you will.

She needs assurance.
She needs comfort.
She needs to see the effort.
She needs to see and feel that you can be the best for her.
She needs to reassure herself that she's not going to go through the same ordeal again.

Too much for you? You should have known better when you opened your heart to love a broken lady.

I'm thinking 'bout how ...

People fall in love in mysteeeerious ways ...

Well it's late night, supposed to be sleeping but I can't, and I let myself indulge in the most ridiculous thoughts. But nope, not tonight.

It struck me, how my current relationship with Fairuz is different from the ex.

Most days, I do admit that I fear history repeat itself. Because, Fai has a looong way to go before reaching his dreams, and somehow I let myself be the woman who'll support her man (again) and in time to come, we'll both reap the benefits that we have sowed for the past few years. But really, that's about it.

I do not have to financially support Fai. I do not have problems trusting Fai. Even if I'm earning 2.5x more than him, I trust him enough to be able to take care of himself, and not misuse the trust given to him. On bad days we'll help each other, but only to a certain extent.

Being with Fai, other than us sharing the same goals we have in the near future, somehow he helps me be a better person. He is dominant, in the right way. For someone like me, who have led others all along, I certainly need someone who is able to guide me, and sometimes, walk alongside me irregardless of the situation. Unlike the ex, who I have to constantly spoonfeed, help, guide, SUPPORT (omg for 4 fucking years i don't and i can't fucking believe it), the ex even got the fucking cheek to talk about religion when all he's been doing is live off a woman LOL sometimes i feel like i'm the one who has a fucking penis.

Okay back to Fai (why am i even ranting about that asshole? ah yes, i still haven't forgiven him.). He may not have everything in the world, but he has qualities in him that is hidden from the world (specifically, the country) that places heavy emphasis on certificates and merit. It amazes me how street smart he is, how he is always full of ideas, and when it comes to mental calculation, he does it better than me, much much much better.

We have our own sideline projects we do on our free time to help ourselves get by. Fai puts in the effort to do HIS OWN research on the things that I can do with my new toy. And yes I am still not revealing what is that new toy. The ex did nothing about it when i showed interest in getting the new toy. And that, was why my plans was shelved for a good 2 to 3 years, until I met Fai, got engaged, decided to take that idea off the shelves and put it to good use. Alhamdulillah, I'm doing good.

That is the sort of effort that I appreciate. I do not ask for anything material because 1- i am not a high maintenance girl, 2- now is not a good time to be a spoilt brat because we're saving up for that big 1 day event just to watch people eat and force ourselves to smile. I am that simple, and Fai knows how to appreciate that.

Fai deals with my ugly inner voices. He doesn't ignore. Yes, I don't deny sometimes the argument may get ugly, but which relationship survives without argument? I'll just take it with a pinch of salt and regard it as an obstacle, one that tests our patience and temper.

It kinda doesn't help that we're some sort of a reflection of each other. Hot tempered, stubborn, and other nice qualities i shall not say because i ... do not self praise myself lol. so when one rages, the other has to be the fire extinguisher.

So much is happening right now that sometimes i do not know where i should start or stop, but i rather it be that way because it keeps my mind off things. My inner voices, they're not something nice. I do not know how to make it stop, but i can only distract it by keeping the mind busy.

Wedding of the year, meh?

So there was this blog post being shared on FB, basically about how some girl DIY-ed her wedding dress, her dais and such, and how she spent minimal amount of money for her wedding.

Well, thing is, her wedding is on 350 pax! Of course, logically, her wedding would cost much less.

Initially I was quite shocked when she quoted her wedding cards to be about $100 (or was it less?), and I thought to myself, "damn, what a good deal she got!" Oh, and her wedding favours too. Baca punya baca, check2, yek eleh, jemputan 350 pax je.

No idea if hers was a combined or separate wedding. I skipped few parts because I kinda kept rolling my eyes as i scrolled down her post (roll eyes but still read. lol~ curiosity at it's best). Well, here's my honest take on her blog post. And because I'm lazy, I shall just command+C and command+V the post I made on facebook. lolx

"Tbh I can't really stand these kind of brides who talk down on the majority of the weddings just because other brides spent ALOT on their weddings and then go broke. And these brides will keep on going "who needs this/that". If you want to compare, compare apple with an apple not an apple with a grape.

Of course you could get your wedding cards n doorgifts for much less because your wedding is only 350 pax. Ouh and you sew your bridal clothes yourself and partial DIY-ed your deco well good for you. Not everyone is as blessed to have family links with wedding vendors.

And the part about spending lavishly on a one day event then go broke, well honey isn't that the NORM for us Malays? Not only wedding la. Typical people will always be willing to spend as long as it's the in thing. In short, biar papa asal bergaya.

Using used papers to make into paper "banks" lol you could have just used your used envelops I'm sure you receive bills in the mail (unless you really don't pay bills la).

I'm not a believer in taking loans just to "justify" a day of grandeur as we sit and watch people eat, force ourselves to smile for photos the whole day. As a fellow BTB i think it's better that instead of talking down on others, we help others in money saving tips or what can be done to reduce costs of wedding expenditures. Blogs like that are quite rare to find. But then again to each his/her own. Not everyone who brags about their grand wedding has their wedding costs sponsored."

Don't get me wrong, I'm not hating her post or what so ever, I just dislike the "stand" she makes. Hey, everyone has their own wedding ideas and dreams, some people don't even have their own say for their wedding, everything must follow what other people wants. I'm one of them but I'm gona rebel rebel rebel!

It's good that she has her close knit of friends and family members to help her DIY her wedding venue. As for me, I don't have much close friends and those I have, I don't think I would want to trouble them to do this and that. And for sure, I do not have any close links to any wedding vendors. SOoo... yea. And do you know that you need an entertainment license to have sound system/DJ? The authorities may just give you a surprise visit, ask you to provide your license, and if you fail to produce it, only two things can happen ...

1 - if the authorities are nice enough, they'll let the "DJ" stay till end of event or ..

2 - the authorities will ask the DJ to leave, and confiscate ALL equipments.

This was an advice from a friend of mine in the entertainment industry. He learnt things the hard way when his equipment was confiscated. His whole rice bowl was gone in an instant, even though it wasn't entirely his fault as he was unaware of the licensing. Not only that, the wedding event also turned sour for the family of the bride/groom.

So a point to note ya future brides and grooms who have yet to engage any DJ/entertainment services.

And as for me ....

I still have yet to decide on anything (I think it was mentioned in my previous post). We agreed not to talk about it until the time is right. I don't mind but it's always the external pressure from other people that makes me panic and frustrates me for no reason.

But if i DOOOO manage to cut costs here and there, i'll definitely be sharing it on my blog, instead of talking down on other brides spending sooo much for a one day event (when it's not even their money) hahaha ... In Shaa Allah, my wedding will all be paid for on my own because I've been insisting to pay everything for myself even though my parents offered to pay for catering. But it's okay... My parents are retired so they should be enjoying their fruits of labour and I shouldn't burden them further, even if they can afford it.

Till next time, toodles~

But I'm only human ...

My 4 years of bitter experience with the ex taught me so many things, but at the expense of me constantly being buried under heaps of insecurities of paranoia. I didn't ask to be this way, I didn't ask to have feelings. Somehow I feel like it's wrong for me to have feelings.

Like you said, you also had your fair share of your bitter past. Everyone has their own stories that they shudder to even recall. But everyone handles their problems differently. Just because you can handle your past with such calmness, with aid of prayers, doesn't mean the outcome will be the same for others.

I didn't ask or beg for you to understand me, because I don't understand myself at times either. I can safely say that I have let the past go, but is it wrong for me to feel paranoid and afraid that the past will repeat itself?

My issues with parents, they are ongoing, I can never change that fact, I can never change their mindset. I'm learning to deal with it, learning to just suck it all in and pretend nothing ever happened.

If you ask me how's my wedding preparations are going, I can tell you, nothing has been done or settled. I have less than 2 years to go till the big day, and now I can only just say, tentatively, I have less than 2 years left till I become someone's Mrs. That heart wrenching feeling i have in my heart when i now have to say the word "tentatively". Tentatively okay, not even "In Shaa Allah".

I didn't lost my mood when talking about the wedding. I lost my mood when I get thrown redundant questions, and then all the accusations. And then you ... you had to say you didn't want to talk about it. You make me feel like I'm a burden. I didn't stop you from focusing on school. I didn't stop you from spending your money.

I don't know what people want from me. I tried so hard to be the best for myself. I tried so hard not to be a burden to anyone financially. Because i learnt that money is the root of all evil. Guess I still haven't found someone who could really take me for who I am, inside and out. The voices in my head, the paranoia, the insecurities, the past that constantly haunts because I fear having to go through the same ordeal again.

You make me doubt myself.

I know you've your hands full with work, prospin, soon school, having to save up for the big day. I trust you enough that you know what you're doing but if it's wrong for me to clarify then just say so. Breaking off from the previous engagement was hard enough for me and I assume it was also hard for my parents as well as they had to ask for second opinions from other people about the situation I was in. I can say that they've pinned hopes on you to take care of me in the near future and I could understand if they're constantly asking about whether the dates have been confirmed.

I don't mind having to settle everything on my own but when it comes to wedding, it sure needs two hands to clap. I don't know who to open up to because I didn't want to blurt out about the problems we have. Here I am trying my very best to save your face even though we seldom have arguments but when we DO have one it's something major.

My facebook posts have been generic. Assholes would assume they're constantly about you but those close to me knows better. I'm not sure when you'll come across this post, but when you do, please don't flare up.

I have about 1 hour till end of shift and I'm not looking forward to knock off from work. I have such a sad life I know.

I'm just left speechless.