Nenek ... )':

True enough, i still couldn't stomach the fact that my grandmother has passed away.

Nenek,
how are you doing in the other life?
I hope the angels are treating you good.
I hope you're free from the clutches of hell.

Nenek,
you look beautiful when you left us.
When the ustazah put on the eyeliner on you,
I couldn't describe the Nur on your face.

Nenek,
Alhamdulillah, you allowed us to cleanse you for the last time.
Alhamdulillah, Allah has made it easy for us to cleanse you.
Alhamdulillah, Allah has made your limbs soft so that we, your grandchildren, bibik, and your youngest daughter, could easily cleanse you.

Nenek,
I wonder if it was your good deeds that allowed us to perform our obligations easily.
I wonder if it was you being a good and obedient wife that made your passing an easy one.

Nenek,
we apologize for being so daif.
we apologize that whilst waiting for you to be cleansed, we unknowingly exposed your aurah.

Nenek,
I hope that in that few hours of our negligence, we hadn't tortured you or caused you much pain.

Nenek,
I miss you.
I do.
I miss your laughter.
I miss your smile.

No words could describe how i felt when i was there, assisting in the cleansing of the body.
I felt like crying, but I doubt Nenek will want to see me cry.

I still sit and ponder upon the last few moments i had with you.
I still try to visualise your face when i was at your bedside.
You may not remember who I am at that point of time, but it's okay.

Nenek,
you'll always be remembered.
For all the smiles that you carve on your face when we're all around you.
For all the smiles you put on for the camera.
I've never seen such a cheerful grandmother in my life.

I miss you Nenek. I do.
I truly regret not spending time with you.
But all the regrets in the world can never bring you back to life. You're seven feet under now.

I'll visit you soon, Nenek.
Once I've gained back my courage to face that you're gone.
Because right now, I'm at the most vulnerable, and silence and loneliness scares me.

Tribute to dearest Nenek, Mymoon Binte Lambat

This 2 days have been a real blow to myself and the whole of my family. Rushed to Changi General Hospital after my second morning shift to visit Nenek who was critically ill. I initially thought that she has that hope of recovery seeing her condition being stable and all. She was responsive and squeezed my hands when i was talking to her and rubbing her cold palms.

Today, things took a 360 degree turn. When i reached the hospital, her blood pressure was dropping, though her heartbeat was beating normal. She was only assisted by the breathing machine, but was taken off the dialysis because her kidneys failed on her this morning. Her nasogastric fluid was also taken off because her body was rejecting any food entering her body.

It shook me, alot of times. I was praying she pull through this ordeal alive, but yet again it will be torturing for herself even if she were to survive. Hours passed, and her condition slowly declined. Dad asked if the doctor will pull her off her life support anytime soon. The doctor only answered that her heartrate's still beating normally thus it's a very hard decision to make. Her heartbeat will start dropping once her blood pressure is too low to even pump blood out. The reason for her low blood pressure even though her heartbeat's normal was due to her heart being unable to pump properly. It can expand but couldn't contract well.

Ya Allah, only you knew how i felt.

Flashbacks. flashbacks. Who would knew this year would be the last that I will be seeing you on Hari Raya? Who knew that this year, you wanted to eat the Marble Cake, i was supposed to bake it for you but I didn't. Who knew, I will never get to spend time with you anymore at Sengkang? Who knew. Who knew?

Nenek, you're in a better place now. You can be reunited with Tok Weng, abang Zul. I know you started to forget things when you first lost arwah Zul in 1998. When I lost tok weng i was too young, but I was aware that Tok had already gone "somewhere far".

Really. This ordeal, both mine and nenek's, taught me that promises should be kept, fulfilled and not delayed. You may never know if the promise will just remain a promise when that particular person is gone. Yes, we should say InshaAllah instead of promising someone, but there's a reason why it means "if Allah wills it". We're only human but to keep to our words will reflect on what type of a person we are. And by keeping to our words, we may indirectly prevent someone from going with a sense of resentment, which will only make you regret because you may never have the chance to tell the person how he or she means to you.

Maybe what I'm talking doesn't make any sense. I'm just too shocked, sad and lonely now. Someone who's supposed to be with me, disappeared to nowhere. Which surprises me because he can find the most convenient time to appear out of nowhere, but when i clearly needed someone, he's nowhere. He didn't even ask about my well being, he didn't even ask about how Nenek is doing, judging from the severity of the posts i put up on Facebook.

Perhaps I may partly be at fault because i never paid much attention to his family's well being. But he should have known by now how Family means to me. I'm unlike him, I do care about my family, my cousins and such. I care about their well being, irregardless of mom or dad's side.

If I didn't care about my family, I wouldn't cry when grandaunt cried when she mentioned about not being able to see me get married. Ya Allah, now I lost someone dear to me, I'm really out of words. Perhaps she may have alot of great-grandchildren, but I'm sure that deep inside, she wants to see a great-grandchild from her eldest son.

I may not be related directly to Nenek by flesh & blood, but she shows no indifference to me. There's no terms like adopted grandchild, whatsoever. 

I will need to learn to show that i appreciate people around me, because right now, that's my biggest weakness. It's this ego that's hard to rid, probably because i was just raised that way. I care, but i don't show.

I'm going to miss you alot, dear Nenek.

And to you Muslim readers,

Do offer your al-fateha for my Nenek, Mymoon Binte Lambat.

Al-fateha.

Sole Breadwinner

I've been hearing "i'm retiring" from my father, years after years since 2004, back then when he was 55. But it's only 9 years later that the phrase became reality.

So as of July 2013, my father has officially retired from Shell Eastern Petroleum Pte Ltd. That leaves me as the sole breadwinner of the household. Whilst it may sound bad, only those within the Shell circa will know what exactly has been in store for my father waaaaay before he retrenched. My father had made sure that we all have enough to feed on after he retires, so that we can still live comfortably like before.

But being me, i couldn't even bear to let my parents live off their retirement and investment savings. I'm the only child, which only makes me wonder how will I have enough to put food on the table, to feed my own mouth, to pay the utilities bills, to save up for my upcoming marriage and house. I know it may be the silliest thing ever to purchase a Class 2 bike for $10k, but that's what i've been wanting for quite some time.

A deep part of me tells me that I can manage, but another part of me asks, "how?".

Precisely, how?

Other than the months of January, February/March, July and December, I'm mostly relying on my overtime to get by and get extra income to spend. In a way I am thankful that I've been converted to a permanent staff back in 2011, so that allows me some buffer time for me to build up my savings. But then again I doubt i would want to stay at Shell for the longest time, unless certain people take a long good look at the mirror before pointing out others mistakes, and the infinity number of medical leaves that some people are entitled to.

It really fucks me up because it's like we are expected to give our 200% best when we're in our PPEs, can you imagine like that for 12 hours straight? It's taking a toll on my back, seriously. And it really irks me that some superior (that I shan't quote whether that person is a boss or just some senior), expects us to stay home on our friggin off day just to REST. like what? WE DON'T HAVE A LIFE?

come on! the way some people put it, it's like as though we should and MUST be deprived of a social life outside of Jurong Island. where i come from, work-life balance is seriously a hard thing to come by unless you're just friggin lucky to have 4 days straight of off. But i shan't complain because at least i don't have to work 8 hours shifts for 5 days each cycle, like my father does. I wonder how he can endure working such shift cycles for almost the past 40 years.

Even though my father works at Shell, our family don't own a car. my father doesn't even own a driving license. me? i think i'll make a fucked up female driver lulz~ he's been taking the public transport from Tampines to Pasir Panjang Ferry Terminal. Oh .. My .. GOD i doubt i can ever endure such a long arduous journey on public. I ever wondered how it's going to be like if I did get accepted at Bukom, but unfortunately (and fortunately) my application was rejected because at that point of time they were looking for male analysts.

It's amazing how back then, an O level (senior cambridge cert back then) holder can hold a technician job, then gradually move up the jobscale. Nowadays, an O level cert won't bring you anywhere. Such meritocracy isn't doing much justice, in my opinion. One can be equipped with all the knowledge but without skills or the willingness to learn, one is practically nothing.

I'm really good at sidetracking, i shall say. but anyway, i'm really afraid of the months to come. how i'll manage, how i'll handle my paycheck, will it be enough for us, or will i just be living from paycheck to paycheck and be totally dry approaching payday.

Sometimes i wished i earn big bucks like my father. My gross monthly pay is 1/4 of his! that explains why the 3 of us can live comfortably i guess. but big salary = big responsibility. ask me to be the assistant shift controller, and i will turn down the offer flat!

I.. don't know. guess i'll have to start living each day, one day at a time. hopefully my online business will take off. *prays hard*

Hong Kong Day 1; Taking a Stroll

My parents, and yours truly. Wearing two layers of jacket and I still could feel the chill. This is near Star Ferry, FYI.

With the family that I always travel with. Xoxo

Panorama view of the lights on buildings on Hong Kong Island. Click to Enlarge.

 

Having fun posing with the statues on Avenue of stars. We basically skipped all the stars because they were mostly HK stars that we are unfamiliar of, except for the likes of Jacky Chan, Sammy Yam and... some other names I just couldn't remember. This statue above reminded me sooo much of P. Ramlee's "Seniman Bujang Lapok", me and my family literally acted out the scene and had lots of laughter here. Remember the tagline "Tetapi Lubang hidungmu TETAP menjadi pujaan hatiku"? hahah yeap that's the scene we role-played. (:

Wanted to take a shot of the Bruce Lee statue but there were so many tourists there. So I gave it a pass.

at iSquare. finding a toilet is pretty hard in HK! iSquare was our last stop before calling it a day. 

 

What I came across on our random stroll along Tsim Sha Shui.