finalized.

Things will be finalized in about a week or so. You know, the feeling is just ... I don't really know how to put it in words, but it just breaks me that soon, I'm finalizing the decision to end the engagement, instead of finalizing how my wedding dress is going to be like, the decor, the caterer, and .. you'll get what I mean.

You see, the point is, I didn't really want to leave. But I told myself, when will enough be enough?

I seriously don't deny that I still do think about him every now and then. In fact, every .. single ... day. I don't know what I'm missing to be exact, I'm not sure if I'm missing him as a person, or just the happier times we once shared. But thing is, how long should I endure being treated this way? A friend of mine will definitely feel my pain. I could be as independent as I want. But in a relationship, I deserve to at least get credit for being a lady, and I shouldn't be the dominant one.

The only thing I appreciate about him is that he'll go the extra mile to help me. To be my despatch, be almost at my every beck and call when I know he's free. But that's about it. I can always pay someone to be my despatch, but guess the affection is not there with a stranger. He's also the water when I'm the fire. But his kind of water is pretty frustrating.

I have been so demoralized to the point that I no longer see the good in him. That I started to fear that the next few guys after this will just be the exact carbon copy of him. Malays, I thought. Most of them are good for nothings. And that the good guys are all already taken.

It saddens me how 4 years ago I used to be this girl with big ambitions and dreams to achieve. How I wanted a lovely family, live in my own house, raise awesome kids together, see my children grow. But now that I'm going to be 25 this year, I absolutely have no dreams. I know that I may still be "young", that it's still not to late to get to know new people, but I'm past the age whereby i told myself "I want to have kids by the time I'm 25".

Yes, I'm a boring person I admit. That I have absolutely no life and look forward to tie myself down to be a family woman. But I don't see any wrong in it. True enough, life as a married woman (subsequently with kids) ain't really a stroll in the park. But I look at things in a different prospective: Whilst children's cries can be annoying and frustrating at times, I see the joy in seeing their innocent antiques, reactions, I see joy in seeing them grow, and knowing that these children are of my flesh and blood, it makes the bond much more special.

I'm not sure how I'm going to mend this broken heart. I've been going out and meeting some old friends, but then again, I do still think of him. I've even been drowning myself with work. I've trouble sleeping. I've trouble eating.

I wished I had you back. But I know, things will never be the same. But I know, I could never get what I always wanted out of you. I thought you'd be different and proved others wrong. But you proved others right.

I really... really... really have no idea how I'd get back up.
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