2 years on and ...

Been a very long time since i last blogged! I wonder where all the time flies.

Well, I gave birth to a lovely cutiepie last December. Changing my status from a married woman to a mommy sure isn't an easy feat. I went through loads during my pregnancy, and it sure isn't a nice one.

Believe it or not, almost 7 months on to becoming a mother to baby Yuna and i am still adjusting to this new phase of life. Things has been crazy, like mad crazy, mad tiring crazy, but sometimes when i retreat back during the short me times i get for myself, my heart is full and it is worth the madness.

Alot has happened too. Like Yuna's first flight! I'll try blog about it as and when i can. She's a handful now. Quite difficult to handle at home, but sucha darling when she's out. Crazy right? I know!

Where do i start off? My delivery? Yuna's first trip? Well, stay tuned!

Perth 2017; 6D4N booking summary.

So we "kind of" took the 2 for 1 Scoot promotion and book for ourselves a 2nd honeymoon.... to Perth again.

Not really though. We overlooked the fact that my parents are leaving for their small pilgrimage to the holy land of Mecca, right in the middle of the dates we booked. So instead of saving for the flight, we had to fork out slightly more to top up for the flight change.

But as known to social media, my husband got into a bad bike accident across the border exactly 1 month before we fly off, and i had to put everything on hold in case we had to cancel the whole trip. Honestly i wished the trip would still carry on, he's recovering well until...

HE CAUGHT THE CHICKEN POX VIRUS! Yes, chicken pox guys! At 26! and 12 Days before we fly of!

So here i am again, on the waiting game again, hoping he'll recover just in time. And yeay he did!

So the frantic rush begin;

1. change flight
2. look for an apartment
3. book a car
4. plan an itinerary.

I did all but number 4. because i suck at planning. and even before we set off to Perth, we still didn't have any concrete itinerary. But for sure we would be those typical lame ass tourist because husb's injury haven't recovered 100%.

So what i thought i'll save, i actually had to spend more because everything is last minute.

My flight was supposed to be SGD300/person, taking advantage of the 2-for-1 Scoot promotion over the national day period. And if i were to change the flight dates way before hand, it would only cost me SGD380/person. Not so bad right? But because of all these unforeseeen circumstances and the bad luck that I'm having back to back, I made the flight change last minute and now the flight itself costs me SGD500/person. Holy mother of goat I swear it would have cost much lesser on a full flight on low peak periods!

My apartment was also last minute. Can say everything also last minute lah! Manage to find one, and i have no idea why i immediately booked the apartment without checking the location, but it's not so bad ... PROVIDED YOU HAVE A CAR. alamak this trip really .. i don't know where i put my brain.

So as usual, booked through booking.com because expedia's being a bitch (apparently it firmly decides that i have a fake name on my credit card. BROOOOO?!!!) . It's several dollars more expensive at booking.com though. But it's okay lah i can earn my booking status on that platform heees.

I booked Assured Waterside Apartments, it's at Melville Parade, just off Mill Point Road. Quite a convenient spot. It's just like you know ... You exit tampines avenue 5 just to get to my place. ahh that kind of convenient lah... if you drive that is.

Next, the booking of cars. I can't remember how many times i switched screens and how many tabs i open just to make sure that i don't lose out on a good offer and so that i don't end up paying more for a car and especially the insurance part. It's so damn important i tell you. It's okay to fork out more for your insurance rather than having to pay the full excess incase of any accidental damage to the car! I kena once already, lucky i got it waived off. So no more second time ok! Now akak clever already hehe

OK guys. This part VERY IMPORTANT OK. I don't want my friends to be conned or have to pay more for nothing.

I'm sure you're aware that you are offered to book your vacation cars through 3rd party websites, be it scoot, booking.com, qantas, SIA, blablabla. DO NOT.. i repeat... DO NOT BOOK THROUGH THE 3RD PARTY WEBSITE TOGETHER WITH IT'S INSURANCE COVERAGE. Sure you can book the car on the website, they can be trusted, don't worry about it.... BUT DON'T TAKE THE INSURANCE COVERAGE UNDER THE 3RD PARTY WEBSITE!!!

The insurance coverage under the 3rd party website will be a bond/agreement between you and the 3rd party website, not between you and the renter of the car.

Example:
3rd Party website name: rentyouacar
car rental providers: rentlah, comerent, rentfromme, irentyoucheap

Rentyouacar provides the prices from all the car rental providers. Probably throw in a "free CDW (collision damage waiver), roadside assistance" blablabla on most car rental providers. So let's say you decide to rent a car from "comerent", and because rentyouacar says got CDW got this got that, you'd think... ok lah i'm covered already. free mah. good what the deal.

Nope.

On the day of your arrival, you come and collect your car from comerent booth with the confirmation slip from rentyouacar. It says already have the coverage right? But you wait. The staff will ask you if you wish to purchase insurance for this or that. Sorry i can't remember exactly what but i can only remember full protection lol. Then i can guarantee you will have question marks on your face, really.

But but but ... you already have the basic coverage right? From rentyouacar right? Noooo. Comerent will tell you that whatever rental/insurance agreement will be between you and rentyouacar, and that rentyouacar and comerent are not affiliated in any ways. Meaning, should anything happen to you or the car, you will have to liaise with rentyouacar, not with comerent. So it's like you have to go in circles. Sounds much like a hassle?

So there. Instead of saving, you have to top up more for insurance coverage, to cushion your travel savvy ass in case anything happens to you, or the car. Most important is the car, shouldn't have any dented rims or scratches.

Trust me, the price wouldn't be much of a difference if you booked direct from the car renter's website and purchase the insurance directly from them.

So anyway, I'm done explaining. I got my car from Europcar, same vendor as the one i got last year in Perth. One of the cheapest after much consideration. Created myself an account, logged in my details and voila! Anyway because i'm such a scaredy cat and i drive like a klutz, i got myself the full protection to cover my not-so-sorry ass. But on the brighter side, because i got the full protection coverage, i got the GPS rent for free! Tips tips tips! But only do this at the counter, as in, you book the car online, just the car, add on the CDW (the price will be roughly the same as at 3rd party website, honestly), and wait till you arrive at your holiday destination to upgrade your insurance coverage and to include GPS rental.

You... NEED... the GPS! it helps you it saves you, honestly. Googlemaps can be relied on though, but it's not so accurate. The roads can get confusing at times and the GPS will really tell you which lane you should be on and which lanes and the road name you should exit. Right down to the tiny details.

Alright! So all in all basically i already spent SGD2400 just for flights, apartment and car itself.

DON'T SCOLD ME! I know expensive. Because i last minute i knowwwwwww! By the way the car cost me SGD700+ with the full protection.

Don't follow my steps. I always last minute. So I cannot complain if things get expensive. Not really a savvy traveller.

Okok. Done ranting. Itineraries next!

Dusty

It's probably been a looooong looooooooooong time...

8th Year in Shell, how time flies. But all through these 8 years wasn't an easy journey for me. Especially now. I am fully aware that my performance for the past 1.5 years hasn't been on par as compared to what i have put in the previous years. I only have myself to blame for that. Last year, when everything was a mess, i was constantly making stupid mistakes and not doing this and that. And this year, I am constantly thinking of how to solve my problems. And because of this stupidity of being unable to balance work and personal life, I won't be offered to sit for my promotional test. *SIGH*

Sometimes i wonder what is it with some people, to pick on every single fault of others but theirs. Like clearly almost everyone is unhappy with this fella but voicing out will not change anything. I guess that's the problem: because every seniors tell us to ignore the issue and always assume that the superiors will not take action against them, this mentality seriously have got to go man.

But on the other note, how do we know that the superiors aren't taking any action?

For all i know, and because i am a mature immature 28 year old who have been in the same workplace for 8 years, if i know i did something wrong, i'll redeem myself and strive to be better than the person i was yesterday. Some people ... i really don't know lah and it frustrates me that NOOOOOOO they are not wrong, others are always wrong.

And the best part? these people have no guts to approach the person who is in the "wrong". must go one big round and complain and bitch IN FRONT of the guilty party in dialect.

Beb, kau dah gila eh?

Seriously ... because i KNOW this person likes to complain a whole damn lot, i tried to show her that SHE DO MAKE MISTAKES TOO. but nooo, each time must give 1001 reasons trying to explain herself. oh okay, you can explain yourself, but did you even give others a chance to explain themselves on why they missed this or that before going straight to superiors to make a complain? seriously, the lab won't explode or the instruments won't malfunction over a single vial not cleared, over wastes not emptied, or glasswares not cleared from the oven/drying rack/washing machine. nor the lab will cease to function when there are samples awaiting to be sent out. how petty can you be? seriously? if your point is to show the boss that you are efficient in your work and a so called "siao on" worker, WHY ARE YOU NOT EVEN THE SENIOR-EST OF ALL THE SENIORS? you good mah? complain all got medal? got extra pay? got extra performance bonus? no?

i'm just counting my days to get out of this shit place. yea the pay is good only after 5 years but it is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. i have enough of my personal problems to tend to and i don't need this extra pressure from trying to constantly watch my own back. but i reckon with the upcoming house and the shit load of debt i have to clear, i can't throw in the towel just yet.

when it comes to debts, people might assume that it's from my wedding expenses. nope. my wedding expenses have been kindly paid off by my father. i am so thankful for that because otherwise i won't know how i'll survive. it doesn't really pay to be kind and lend people your money. because when times like these comes and you have a whole load of burden on your shoulder, you can only rely on yourself to settle the loan amount. *sighs*

marriage life has been wonderful. i keep telling myself how blessed i am to have such a husband and how stupid i was last year. memories hurt me alot but it makes me grateful of what i have right now. surely we are not the best of ourselves right now but it takes time to improve and each day is a learning point for us. business is slowly picking up, i have yet to make my first thousand from sales each month though but i wouldn't complain much because i still have my full time job commitment to attend to every 4 days. my dearest husband is also picking up the skills to make his own decals and do his own editting so i have pretty much a helping hand right now. i even have a team of resellers now! maybe one day we'll make it further than what we have now, and maybe one day we'll look back and feel lucky we decided to take this step.

PaperkutzSG is almost 2.5 years old now, how time flies! we're still expanding as we speak, but when it comes to a brick and mortar, i am reluctant to invest on one even in the near future. maybe one day when i decide to throw in the letter, i'll just settle for a home based business.

We plan, but only Allah knows what is in store for us.

May everything go smooth for us...
and may i constantly have this strength to keep me going.

On the road to... clearing my debts.

I did the most stupid thing over the months before i got married. Not surprising that i brought over the misery into my married life. hahahha i don't know man i wish i could go back in time and slap my own face.

So what happened was, i loaned a total of $6k to a friend. My heart soft ah, that's why easily can give money like that. Part of that $6k was loaned off from my DBS cashline account. Don't know eh, i kinda believe that people will really work hard since there's people helping them try to get back up on their feet. NAIVE RIGHT. i know.

Disclaimer: I am NOT mentioning any names here so kindly don't be kepo try to find out who is the "lucky" fella who manage to suck my money dry ok. Don't need to assume anything also. Ya i know i stupid.

Ok so as you knowwww, i still kept my 2nd bike, my Yamaha Spark 135. Intention was to renew COE, then to rebuild the whole damn thing. So the total costs is .....

COE as of June 2016: SGD6500+
Rebuild spark: SGD2100
Total: SGD8600+

Honestly, I don't know how i spent so much money within that few months. I can't recall how much savings i had back then either. I only know that somehow, my loans are starting to accumulate. hahaha bodoh

So anyway, back then i had loans with DBS, credit card outstanding with ANZ. My OCBC credit cards was a horror because every purchase got converted to installments and i ended up having accumulate SOOO MUCH to pay every month. But you see, i'm a very independent and financially savvy (chey! screw you la savvy.) kind of person. I know it's irrelevant that with the amount of debts i have, it's pointless for me to set aside a portion of my money to park as savings. You know lah, anything can happen right?

So now as i'm desperately trying to clear my debts by claiming what's mine, it is no surprise that people will constantly have excuses after excuses as to why they can't even pay a single cent. Pathetic much? Okay la be a nice person la and think of the good things.

It gets frustrating because .... FUCK LAH I HELP YOU ALL THEN I IN DEEP SHIT WHO HELP ME? Help yourself loh. K fine. Never mind, suck thumb and eat shit. Slowly pay off whatever loans i have and stop getting myself into unnecessary debt again. Just so long as I don't owe anyone money, is more than enough.

I don't understand how people can just shrug their debts off their shoulder like they don't owe anyone anything. Especially that useless ex. Wah, that one sibei CMI fucking gold digger do so much wrong and then point to that single fucking mistake i do just so that he can get away with paying.

So anyway, back to the topic ... i managed to increase my credit limit for DBS, then consolidated all my debts/bills into one account. So yay to zero dollar bills for ANZ and OCBC but OMG to my DBS bill! See amount i owe liao i can cry. But i mean, it's easier to consolidate everything into 1 so lesser things to think about and don't have to keep thinking of "alamak must split my money here there everywhere."

Let's see how long i will take to clear all these debts. Oh, and i do not ask my husband to help me pay my bills for me ok! My financial shit, i clear myself; i will never allow my husband to pay my debts for me. So yeah, 2017 goal: to waltz into 2018 debt free!

#yuzzuetravels ; Perth!

 

A not so surprise surprise honeymoon. We didn't leave immediately after our wedding because

1. we didn't know where to go

2. TH (the husband) is having his reservist.

Yeap! He was on reservist right smack in the midst of our wedding.

Had to beg for leave in December because TH is still schooling and December is the only time i could go on an escapade. Just my luck to be able to get my leave during the Xmas break! yeay!

I had so many mixed feelings about going to Australia over the Xmas period because my friends who are in Straya are all telling me that it's practically a ghost town on Xmas day! But heck. Just go ahead with it anyway.

But because it was a last minute trip, our flight tickets cost a fortune. But hey, HONEYMOON mah. I insisted on going in december because ... honeymoon. lol

okay so our flight cost us $900+ PER person. jialat. my friend told me he got his Qantas tickets to perth at half the price. But then again ... honeymoon ...

Took QF78 scheduled to flyoff at 2340H. I regretted the moment i stepped into the airplane. I DIDN'T CHECK THE FLIGHT TYPE. but it's okay, wasn't really a full flight so we had the seats to ourselves. Our Muslim meal was a-okay. Edible and quite nice to be honest. The in-flight entertainment was good too except for the variety of dramas/reality shows which i have never heard of (or maybe i just don't keep up .. more like can't be bothered with recent trends.)

Touched down on Perth almost close to 5am in the morning. Man the morning sun was already out by then. It's like already 8am in the morning when in fact it's only 6am! Immigrations was smooth, the security lady directed us to the automated lane which failed terribly i don't know why but either way we were re-directed to a manned lane which was catered for people who has problems using the automated lanes.

Aniway, collected our luggages, had a smoke break ... OH YA .. Straya only allows 50 STICKS per person into the country so ... have fun figuring out how to get your favourite ciggarettes into their country! i regretted not buying the 3packs ciggarette from duty free at Changi airport. Oh well, too late!

Slacked and waited till 6.30 to collect our cars. Again, renting the car cost us a fortune because... last minute. I booked the car under rentalcars, which is something like your 3rd party hotel booking platform. My advice is, just book your car ONLY through rentalcars. Skip the adding GPS and insurance part, because you will have to pay EXTRA with the rental company for the insurance. Yes, i kena pay the additional insurance but had "complimentary access" to the GPS. So either way, no difference for the price paid.

Why did i say that? Because at the counter upon collecting the car keys, i was asked if i wanted insurance protection since i'll be having the car for quite a long duration (it's a 9D8N trip). I told them i had purchased the coverage whilst making the booking. But the fella told me that THAT coverage is my agreement with rentalcars and that if something happens then i have to deal with rental cars and not with Europcar, and it'll be quite a hassle. So lan2 suck thumb purchase the insurance coverage directly with Europcar, and i was GLAD i did that.

I opted to get the GPS set and i was GLAD i purchase that too (even though i could have easily access the GPS through google maps). Read somewhere that google maps get confused sometimes and it confuses the driver as well, plus it's not really clear on it's directions due to the various exits and roundabouts and IT'S TRUE! It's so much easier to use the GPS navigation system because it tells you which exit and the NAME of the exit you should take, and it doesn't only apply on the expressway but also the normal roads as well!

Anyway whilst collecting our car keys there was this Singaporean kicking up a fuss because the car he got wasn't the car that he booked initially online. I was like.. eh, never read properly ah when you do the booking? The website (in fact most of the car rental websites) will state that you are booking for this car OR other SIMILAR models. So when you book a Suzuki Swift you might probably get a Hyundai Getz something like that. And the reason that Singaporean kick up a fuss about? BECAUSE HE DONT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THAT CAR THAT HE GOT AND HE ISN'T FAMILIAR WITH THE CAR. like eh!!! IT'S STILL A CAR?!!! AUTO, GOT STEERING WHEEL, GOT BRAKE AND GOT ACCELERATOR PEDAL!

Really.. special kind of stupid.

Strength

Sometimes it feels like i needed the strength of the world to overcome these emotions inside.

I may look like i always seem to be in my own world, not giving a shit about whatever that's happening, but in reality, i'm just fending for myself, saving myself from being hurt.

An important point to note is that whatever is in THIS post has got nothing to do with my married life, just in case some people love to jump to conclusion with their assumptions.

I care too much. I feel too much. That too much also made me hurt too much. As i bask myself in the glorious sunshine, another part of me is screaming to be brought back in the dark, crouched in an empty corner to relieve the chaos that's happening inside. As i struggle to mellow down these voices, i too struggle to keep up with the charade i'm playing. But i need to learn to appreciate, appreciate the love that i am constantly receiving from the people around who truly cares, especially from my husband.

I'm typing this down because i am always bad at vocally expressing myself (as usual). Because it's somehow the same old same old, and i don't wish to burden anyone with these recurring thoughts that seems to be just a tiny problem.

People pass off depression as something minor, that you can just "get over it". That's probably the reason why I don't really talk about the matter. Because people just don't understand it. I would like to think that the phase i went through is something of the past, that i am totally free of it, but it just seems to come back and haunt me.

I personally know few people who are seeking medical treatment for their depression. One thing in common between these group of people is that, they DON'T pull each other down. So if you claim to have depression but YET you're running your mouth at people and blaming others, raking up other's past, then something is clearly wrong with YOURSELF, you don't have depression.

I don't play the victim card, and neither do i partake in the role of ms. righteous, but i know that i'm mature enough to face the consequences of my actions. I recently spoke to a friend who went through the exact same shit as me, and i am surprised at how similar our situation were. We became the person that we hated. But we faced the consequences, accepted it, because it was a choice that we made, a choice that we could have avoided, but we are only human, flawed and very much less than perfect.

Somehow it hurts me that people talk to me about dignity like i have none. But then again like i always believe, Allah knows.... Allah knows... Allah knows...

It's a painful struggle. It's probably a retribution for me. Maybe karma comes in many forms. Somedays i wake up like a brand new person, not remembering anything, other days suddenly i remember every single fucking shit.

I can't be bothered to spread animosity amongst others, no matter how hard i struggle right now. Feigning ignorance is what i do best, but i can't lie to myself and tell myself "it's okay! it's mind over matter, i don't mind and they don't matter." no... i don't have the strength to do that. And since i don't have the strength to do that, i break into silent cries.

What keeps me going right now is my husband, parents, and the need to clear off my debts. Else i would stay couped up in my room, letting out these demons to play.

I'm not easy to deal with.

Allah knows... Allah knows... Allah knows...

Being Adopted ...

So much things have happened of late, and it has been draining me physically, mentally and emotionally. But what happened over the last week, that was the last straw.

Before judging, let me get this straight...

I am thankful for being adopted into this family. A luxury that i couldn't have gotten in my biological family. I am thankful for being raised enough with proper education and upbringing. I am thankful that even though i am adopted, that i know my background and i know where i came from, i know who my real families are...

But i grew up, searching for my own identity. I questioned myself many times, since i was 7 or 8, regarding who i really am. Maybe i was still young to understand or remember anything, but i clearly remembered seeing a different name on my health booklet when i was in primary One.

"Nurzulaiha Binte Bahari".

I was still young... and i asked why is my name different. Trained to write my name as "Nurzulaiha Ya'akof", then why was my name Nurzulaiha Binte Bahari instead? No answer was given. The next year, on the next health checkup schedule, it was a NEW health booklet. This time, my name was reflected as "Nurzulaiha Ya'akof". Was I adopted? I did ask.

"No... you are our daughter... you live with us right?" And being a young kid, i believed them. But more questions came to my head. Why do i NOT have a BINTE in my name like all other every Ali, Siti and Minah have? And as years go by my father will refuse to let me "salam" him when he has his ablution on, and i'm wondering, WHY? Why can't i salam my supposedly OWN father?

No one really knows how i was being the subject of ridicule back then. I was even scolded by my religious teacher to write my name properly. Just because i missed out the "binte" in my name.

I grew up being bullied. The problem is, each time i got bullied, i will fight back, which was why I ended up as "the naughty one". My parents will scold me instead, because they weren't convince i was bullied.

I had totally no recollections of my childhood. Other than me breaking my arm, and getting whatever i want, i have zero recollections of my supposed happy childhood.

Regarding identity... i was still young but i constantly questioned myself why can't i turn out like the others? Why can't i fit in with the rest? Why?

It got worse after my brother, the only sole son of my adopting parents, passed away. I felt so distant, like i couldn't connect at all with my parents. Then slowly, the criticisms swarmed in.

So much criticisms, that i got really afraid of failure. Because i was being brought up to respect the elders, i kept my mouth shut. I pretended not to hear but i hear everything. Why the comparisons? What did i do wrong? Who am i being compared with? Why am i being put on the same position as certain people?

So much of these voices in my head when i was young. Too much for me to take in. Growing up with loneliness. Growing up being put on a tight leash. But i don't blame my parents. I know they did it for a reason. But to have people constantly doubt you, doubt your capabilities, having to always go along with their wishes, is this what life is for?

I have been compared academically, behavioural wise, my circle of friends. Simply said... even though since 1998 i grew up having being the only child in the family, i just... turned out different from everyone else. I was rough, i took a liking for football, got into NCC as a CCA, i was simply this lazy kid who sits at the back of the class, sleeping most of the time or creating a nuisance for others. Best part is, who i was back then wasn't even influenced by whoever i mingled around with. I couldn't... i simply just couldn't connect with any of my relatives at all.

What i overheard since young...
"Perangai sama macam kakak dia" but wasn't i the only child?
When it comes to academics...
"oh .. EM2.. ok la tu"
"huh? Express? Boleh ke handle?"
"yek eleh pandai sangat la tu" when i took triple pure science and additional mathematics

Every single thing i do, just doesn't seem to please anyone concerned. Even when i brought back some A's for my results, it doesn't seem to make people be proud of my capabilities. Maybe their treatment towards me is different? Maybe it's not something worth to be proud of? You know.. sometimes... i don't ask for my accomplishments to be bragged about, but words of encouragement will surely help.

To me... life... is not all about money. Money does pay the bills, buys you anything, but it's not the true source of happiness. I know my strength isn't in academics, i'm definitely not booksmart. There were things in life I wish i could do, like honing my skills in football, unfortunately, i do not have the support for that. Even in polytechnic, being part of SP's skate club just for their inline hockey sessions didn't materialize because i was unable to attend their training sessions which stretches till night time. I even have an earful for coming back from freshman orientation camp late.

Of course, in my teens, i've had my fair share of my rebellious days. I shall not touch on that but i'm glad with whoever who i came across because THEY taught me the meaning of life. It's through these group of people that i learnt that life isn't all rosy. They taught me to be humble, to not judge someone based on their looks, their education, career.

But that doesn't change the fact that my relationship with my adopting parents just gets distant, because we do not share the same views. I hate it when my parents start passing judgemental and derogatory remarks on a certain group of people who don't live their lives according to my parents expectations. In short, they look down on the group of people the community will easily pass off as social trash.

I found out... i finally found out i was adopted when i was 17.  Shocked? Surprised? I didn't know how to react. I didn't even know what i should do. I wasn't even shown the way. Left out on my own. No one else knows about my knowledge of my status as an adopted child. But since then, it was all too easy for my parents to easily say "go back to your mom in Serangoon!!!" each time i did something which displeases them.

About 1 or 2 years later, my biological father passed away. It was chaos. Accusations and blames were thrown all over. Again, i didn't know how to react. My father is gone, and i haven't got the chance let him hear me calling him "abah".

Since then... my life hasn't really been a peaceful one. Whatever i did wrong, will reflect on me getting all the attributes from my real siblings. Oh ya, in my biological family, I'm the 4th child out of 5th, after my 2 elder brothers, 1 elder sister and 1 younger sister. No one really stood up for me. Yea, my hot temper probably drove my cousins away, and I was quite an anti-social kid in the family to be honest. There is definitely something that I do, irregardless of right or wrong, that will trigger someone to say things to put me down.

But i used all that criticisms to build myself up. But in the midst of pushing and motivate myself, it really affected me, mentally. It's easy to tell me that i shouldn't let words get into my head. But enough is enough. If i speak out for myself then i'll be deemed as disrespecting the elders. I build myself up and i fall, repeatedly.

The period after i finished my last semester in Singapore Polytechnic was hell. I couldn't find a proper job. Just surviving on fortnightly pays at my part time job as a delivery rider. Even that, was being commented on.

Yes, some people just simply couldn't keep their mouths shut. But not everyone who is exposed to this kind of verbal torment can easily brush it off and not let things affect them emotionally. I do know where i stand. I do know i am adopted. Please, just stop... comparing me... with my siblings... with your children... I'm not perfect, neither are you or your children.

I was in depression. I had no one to turn to. I kept to myself most times. I refused to talk to anyone, not even my parents. The "adoption" word is still deemed to be a taboo topic, sensitive to most, and i try my very best to keep whatever i feel to myself. I did broke down once. I questioned people around me, WHY ME? WHY NOT MY YOUNGER SISTER? WHY ME?!!! WHY WAS I ADOPTED? WHY WASN'T I JUST BEING ABORTED BACK THEN? No amount of reassurance can help me heal my emotional pressures.

Every now and then i feel like i'm being a jinx to anyone close to me. No PokéMon puns intended but i really do feel like a jinx. I bring the badluck to anyone who tries to be close with me. Like i'm not worth for someone to stand up and defend me when i wasn't in the wrong.

I feel like i'm being brought into this world, INTO another family since birth, just to please and appease everyone else. EVERYONE ELSE BUT MYSELF. I'm sorry i can't be whatever everyone expect me to be. That i don't turn out as well as people expect me to be just because i was being raised up by another set of parents. It's time that these people realize that I'm a free spirit that shouldn't be put on a leash to control me, but to cut the slag so that i can utilize whatever is in me to bring myself up to my full potential.

Even right now, I wish... i really wish i could fight for my own happiness. i tried to fight for my own happiness, i did. But i failed. I failed to convince people around me about the happiness that I am fighting for, because they only see things from their point of view, and expect things to turn out the way they want it to be. Again, lying to myself just to appease everyone else around me.  How i thought i had things in MY favour when suddenly the tables were turned against me.

Right now, I'm having a relapse. But this time i didn't endure with sleepless nights and days, but i'm just sleeping ... and sleeping ... and sleeping ... i just refuse and can't seem to wake up. It's the only time when my mind will be at ease, i don't have to hear these voices in my head that is constantly amplified throughout the day when i'm awake. But even when i'm constantly asleep, is also another problem to some people. I am not a sleeper. I don't sleep well even when was a teenager. Yes i do have problems waking up in the morning for school, even now i still do have problems waking up for morning shifts, but i just need at least 2 to 4 hours of sleep to function properly. Sleeping is the only way to make me escape reality. I have to drag myself to work. If given a choice i would rather coop myself up in bed and cry myself to sleep. But i know i don't have that luxury of choice to not work.

But when i spoke of the word depression, to most people who knows me, i'm just over-reacting, over thinking. But whatever is in my head, only Allah knows. I'll always... always pray that i'll be given the strength to overcome these, but it seems like i need the extra help for the third time. Again, i know, words are just words, just brush it off and don't let it affect you. IF only it's easy as it seems. If only my brain has an Alt+Ctrl+Del function, i'll gladly do so.

My heart is simply, dead as i speak. Suicidal thoughts are constantly in my mind though i had to force it off my head as a Muslim. I snapped. Someone triggered the insanity button. I couldn't face all this torments any longer. The hatred towards someone for putting me mentally through hell. The exhaustion of growing up having to please people around me, the frustration of not being good enough. I'm tired. I'm seriously tired. The only consolation i get from my life for my ownself is me being able to ride a bike. A dream job that is within my reach but i couldn't make it a reality because it's an "arduous and strenuous job for a lady".

You see... my life is constantly dictated. Please don't tell me and say people around me care for me. I am not selfish or stupid, i know my parents care for me, too caring and overprotective over a free spirit like me. But this mask i'm wearing, the same mask i wear since i was 7, is wearing out. I know i should feel lucky, grateful, thankful, but is all that supposed to be in exchange for them dictating me in whatever i do? even to the extend of threatening me for wanting to choose my happiness? The happiness that is supposed to be a lifetime affair?

I'm too crushed with whatever that happened. And it crushed further last night.

The only thoughts that i have right now, is that i probably got my perseverance from my biological mother. Even though me and her couldn't connect to each other because I was taken away from her ever since I was born, maybe from afar, her perseverance in accepting my loss has help me persevere whatever that I was thrown with since young.

To that soul who manage to hurl all those "kind" words at me to put me down, thank you and congratulations you have manage to break me. I hope you're satisfied with what you had managed to do. I forgive you for whatever you said. But that doesn't change the fact that you have turned me into a senseless, heartless human being. Thank you for again bringing out the beast in my head. Thank you because of your wonderful words, it made me strong, but no longer now. The voices are too loud i can't hear myself.

Thank you Allah for giving me the strength to go through your trials even though i had no one to stand up for me all these while....