Because fairytales, they don't exist.

Beginning of the end.

After 45 months of temporary happiness, then the subsequent hardships, struggles and disappointments, I finally picked up the courage to call it quits.

I have never expected things to end this way. I had always hoped for a fairytale ending. Well, it remains just as that: happily ever afters only exists in fairytales, stories that we hear of when we were young, like Cinderella finally married her prince after being subjected to abuse by her stepsisters.

Probably just in time before 2014 starts, to keep the past buried and to look forward to a brand new beginning, to a brand new start of a new future, for myself, for my family. Nothing else matters than having my loved ones by my side, supporting my decision and praying for what's best for myself.

I have friends who made me realized what I have achieved so far, for myself. At 24, I have a stable career, I settle my own debts, I am supporting my parents, upgraded from a small cc bike to a big one, and that for whatever I had, I definitely deserved much better treatment. Probably a feat that may be far from achievable for someone who i shall not name, for it wasn't worth any mentioning at all. Whatever that I have achieved or done other than what's listed here, it's just not for public's eyes. Friends come to me asking: "How do you garner all the patience to tolerate what has been done to you?"

The answer was simple. I remained positive. I had remained optimistic for sooo long even through all the disappointments, hurt, lies, that somehow things will change for the better. But the term "changing for the better" itself has become so cliche, at least in my dictionary.

Nothing hurts more than being kept in the dark for sooo long, and then you see the truth unfold, one by one. Maybe one day, he shall meet someone who has the exact traits as him, in the form of his girlfriend. Then he'll know how it feels like to deal with a compulsive liar, to deal with someone who prefers to think not further than the day after, to deal with someone waiting for miracles to happen without any effort made.

The only thing i learnt from this time wasting ordeal was patience and to keep my mouth shut.

I don't see a point in putting the blame for the type of friends I have. Sure enough, the friends I have now clubs, drinks, probably seen as social thrash at first glance. But think. What is he compared to the friends I have? I can rebutt your point by claiming that at least they deserved their enjoyment because they worked hard for it. I am not the least influenced by them because at one point of time, I was exactly just like them, I mellowed down because I started to become a workaholic and spent lesser time with the people I refer to as "my mates".

Enough is enough. I'm raising the white flag now because nothing seems to change even though someone claims to be trying hard to be that better person. Actions speak louder than words. Do you have a split personality or something? I wonder.

It's okay. I've wasted close to 4 years of my life for something (I meant, someone) that's not worth my efforts. I'm not going to waste more days, months or years living my life in constant misery, putting myself through more insecurity thinking if I had it all covered in case something goes awry in a few years time, because someone has his vision restricted to the day after and nothing more.

About 1.5 hours to end of shift.
6 days till 2014.

Looking forward to a new beginning.
Go out, socialize, make new friends. But I'm afraid, afraid that the people I meet after this, are just as cunning, deceiving and deceitful bunch of a motherfucking scumbag.

Intim Gel by Jamu Susuk Dara

 

I am making this effort to try and translate any information I have into english, sharing the benefits of the products by Jamu Susuk Dara outside the Malay Community.

 

I have shared the benefits of Masker Vagina few months back, and today, I am sharing with you another product by JSD, Intim Gel.

 

Intim Gel, as the name states, can be seen as a lubricant, or a remedy to women who, pardon my language, feels less horny when it comes to under-the-blanket exercises with their partner.

 

What does Intim Gel do?

* It kills germs/bacteria in the vagina which causes white discharge. Also helps to elimitate itchiness of the vagina (let's call it Miss V, to be less crude), activates the sensitivity of the walls of Miss V, and eliminates the germs that is caused by improper hygiene after urinating

 

Who is Intim Gel for?

* Suitable for busy working women who are less educated about taking proper care and hygiene of their private areas

* Women who are less sexually attracted to have sexual intercourse with their husby.

 

When is the right time to use Intim Gel?

* Intim Gel can be used on a daily basis to maintain the cleanliness of your privates

 

What will a first time user of Intim Gel experience?

1. Miss V will feel cool. 1-2 hours later, you will feel wet, like having water flowing down your Miss V, literally. (Pantyliners adviced to prevent undies from getting soaked!)

2. You will feel uncomfortable. This is only because of the water that's flowing out Miss V.

3. You'll need to clean Miss V. Once again, apply Intim Gel to Miss V. (Some users may experience some itchiness, this is due to their Miss V already having a serious case of white discharge.)

4. After 2-3 days, Miss V will no longer feel wet.

 

What are the benefits of using Intim Gel frequenly?

* Makes you feel comfortable. You will no longer have any unpleasant discharge or odour, you'll feel cool (because of Intim Gel), dry, and Miss V will feel tight.

 

~ Are you imagining how your husby will react after you use Intim Gel?

~ Are you imagining your husby moaning "ahhh ... so tight" when having sexual intercourse?

~ Do you want to improve your experience in bed with your husby?

~ Do you want your "private night life" to be just like the first day you had it: tight and sensitive?

 

Interested to get your hands on Intim Gel?

I have it! Intim Gel is $28 for a 15mL tube. It's small size allows you to store it in your vanity bag, ready for you to use wherever you go!

Contact me at +65 96345444 to order. Whatsapp or SMS only.

Yippee!

I am really going to Australia in 30 days time!

Food is really an issue for me, I only look out for halal food if possible.

It has been 13 years since i last went there, and I wonder if things have rapidly changed. Well, i was only 11 when i went there, so hopefully this time round i'll carry back with me even better memories of my trip to Aussie!

Oh, I'm going to Gold Coast by the way. but because the boss was being such a bitch and giving all sorts of excuses just to approve my leave, I had to make do with just a 6D4N trip. I would loooove to stay for longer periods but unfortunately time doesn't permits. If i had gotten my 4 days leave, i could have stayed there for a good 11D9N in Aussie ok! that much of a difference 4 days and 2 days leave could do to you!

It's 0410H and i'm not yet sleeping because i'm just too fickle when it comes to choosing hotels. Not sure if i should pick hotel or apartment, alot of extreme reviews on tripadvisor it freaks me out. Well of course if i could find something cheaper and worth it i would pick that over anything but ... let's just say i'm paranoid of dirt ok?

When it comes to food, i hope i won't need to settle with indian food whilst i'm there. But i'm pretty sure that finding food there will be easier as compared to HK right? ANYWAAAAY, Nando's and Krispy Kreme is halal there! I remembered i used to eat at this halal eatery that served chinese dishes. It was there when i visited Aussie in 1997 and it was still there in 2000.

Eh, recalling back on the years, i feel old!

Okay i shall sleep else i will be wide awake later in the afternoon which is bad because i have overtime at night.

What happened?

Perhaps to some people out there, I'm just this insensitive, self-centered bitch who only cares about herself and doesn't spare a single thought for others.

I ought to fight for what i deserve, for what i deem shall make my life better.

We were so happy back then, what happened?

Along the way we get caught up with commitments, I got selfish, I had always wanted things go my way. But nothing, nothing at all went my way. Yeap, someone is only trying to follow what i suggested but it all backfired. Not sure if not enough effort was put in, or things were just not meant to be.

To majority, I'm the one who's seen as a bully to him. To majority, I'm the one who isn't treating him right. To majority, I'm the one who's always mean and selfish with my words.

But to majority, they didn't know what i went through. To majority, they didn't know what i had done for him. To majority, they didn't know the effort i put in to help him upskill himself.

If i was impatient, too too impatient, I would have did what i did now long time back. Why would i bother waiting until after the engagement only to start having close guy friends to confide in? There's a reason why i became this way, there's a reason why i stopped believing in something positive to arise or to expect that small shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

I gave chances after chances for you to make your own life better, for you to prove yourself hardworking enough and to prove yourself as someone who could be responsible enough for me to rely on. On the other hand, you expected me to change but you didn't stress on what i should rectify of myself.

True, I have an uncontrollable temper and I say words that could slice you mentally, but even when i mellowed down, the change in you isn't noticeable. That's when i started to be unfaithful. But I didn't cheat, I merely got close to a guy friend, nothing more than that.

I would be lying if i were to say you mean nothing to me, because once upon a time in my life, you were everything i ever wanted despite your flaws. I believed time will change things and make our lives better, but all i ever wonder now is if time will change things but brings nothing but misery to the both of us.

I just hope and pray that someday you'll realize my intentions meant good and you'll try your utmost best to change, work hard and be the man you'll want to be to provide for the people whom matter to you most.

I'm sorry i'm not good enough. Because if i were, you'd realize and change for the better right at the first few stops where i fell.

Nenek ... )':

True enough, i still couldn't stomach the fact that my grandmother has passed away.

Nenek,
how are you doing in the other life?
I hope the angels are treating you good.
I hope you're free from the clutches of hell.

Nenek,
you look beautiful when you left us.
When the ustazah put on the eyeliner on you,
I couldn't describe the Nur on your face.

Nenek,
Alhamdulillah, you allowed us to cleanse you for the last time.
Alhamdulillah, Allah has made it easy for us to cleanse you.
Alhamdulillah, Allah has made your limbs soft so that we, your grandchildren, bibik, and your youngest daughter, could easily cleanse you.

Nenek,
I wonder if it was your good deeds that allowed us to perform our obligations easily.
I wonder if it was you being a good and obedient wife that made your passing an easy one.

Nenek,
we apologize for being so daif.
we apologize that whilst waiting for you to be cleansed, we unknowingly exposed your aurah.

Nenek,
I hope that in that few hours of our negligence, we hadn't tortured you or caused you much pain.

Nenek,
I miss you.
I do.
I miss your laughter.
I miss your smile.

No words could describe how i felt when i was there, assisting in the cleansing of the body.
I felt like crying, but I doubt Nenek will want to see me cry.

I still sit and ponder upon the last few moments i had with you.
I still try to visualise your face when i was at your bedside.
You may not remember who I am at that point of time, but it's okay.

Nenek,
you'll always be remembered.
For all the smiles that you carve on your face when we're all around you.
For all the smiles you put on for the camera.
I've never seen such a cheerful grandmother in my life.

I miss you Nenek. I do.
I truly regret not spending time with you.
But all the regrets in the world can never bring you back to life. You're seven feet under now.

I'll visit you soon, Nenek.
Once I've gained back my courage to face that you're gone.
Because right now, I'm at the most vulnerable, and silence and loneliness scares me.

Tribute to dearest Nenek, Mymoon Binte Lambat

This 2 days have been a real blow to myself and the whole of my family. Rushed to Changi General Hospital after my second morning shift to visit Nenek who was critically ill. I initially thought that she has that hope of recovery seeing her condition being stable and all. She was responsive and squeezed my hands when i was talking to her and rubbing her cold palms.

Today, things took a 360 degree turn. When i reached the hospital, her blood pressure was dropping, though her heartbeat was beating normal. She was only assisted by the breathing machine, but was taken off the dialysis because her kidneys failed on her this morning. Her nasogastric fluid was also taken off because her body was rejecting any food entering her body.

It shook me, alot of times. I was praying she pull through this ordeal alive, but yet again it will be torturing for herself even if she were to survive. Hours passed, and her condition slowly declined. Dad asked if the doctor will pull her off her life support anytime soon. The doctor only answered that her heartrate's still beating normally thus it's a very hard decision to make. Her heartbeat will start dropping once her blood pressure is too low to even pump blood out. The reason for her low blood pressure even though her heartbeat's normal was due to her heart being unable to pump properly. It can expand but couldn't contract well.

Ya Allah, only you knew how i felt.

Flashbacks. flashbacks. Who would knew this year would be the last that I will be seeing you on Hari Raya? Who knew that this year, you wanted to eat the Marble Cake, i was supposed to bake it for you but I didn't. Who knew, I will never get to spend time with you anymore at Sengkang? Who knew. Who knew?

Nenek, you're in a better place now. You can be reunited with Tok Weng, abang Zul. I know you started to forget things when you first lost arwah Zul in 1998. When I lost tok weng i was too young, but I was aware that Tok had already gone "somewhere far".

Really. This ordeal, both mine and nenek's, taught me that promises should be kept, fulfilled and not delayed. You may never know if the promise will just remain a promise when that particular person is gone. Yes, we should say InshaAllah instead of promising someone, but there's a reason why it means "if Allah wills it". We're only human but to keep to our words will reflect on what type of a person we are. And by keeping to our words, we may indirectly prevent someone from going with a sense of resentment, which will only make you regret because you may never have the chance to tell the person how he or she means to you.

Maybe what I'm talking doesn't make any sense. I'm just too shocked, sad and lonely now. Someone who's supposed to be with me, disappeared to nowhere. Which surprises me because he can find the most convenient time to appear out of nowhere, but when i clearly needed someone, he's nowhere. He didn't even ask about my well being, he didn't even ask about how Nenek is doing, judging from the severity of the posts i put up on Facebook.

Perhaps I may partly be at fault because i never paid much attention to his family's well being. But he should have known by now how Family means to me. I'm unlike him, I do care about my family, my cousins and such. I care about their well being, irregardless of mom or dad's side.

If I didn't care about my family, I wouldn't cry when grandaunt cried when she mentioned about not being able to see me get married. Ya Allah, now I lost someone dear to me, I'm really out of words. Perhaps she may have alot of great-grandchildren, but I'm sure that deep inside, she wants to see a great-grandchild from her eldest son.

I may not be related directly to Nenek by flesh & blood, but she shows no indifference to me. There's no terms like adopted grandchild, whatsoever. 

I will need to learn to show that i appreciate people around me, because right now, that's my biggest weakness. It's this ego that's hard to rid, probably because i was just raised that way. I care, but i don't show.

I'm going to miss you alot, dear Nenek.

And to you Muslim readers,

Do offer your al-fateha for my Nenek, Mymoon Binte Lambat.

Al-fateha.

A letter for the Fiance, what commitment means now.

Dear fiancé,

If there's something I'm afraid of right now, it would be commitments.

Remember how I used to be so enthusiastic about settling down, getting a house of my own, making babies, planning my beautiful dream wedding, a 1 day event that I would want to remember for the rest of my life (provided the marriage is worth the bucks spent).

But over a span of 9 months that I'm engaged, not a single thing changed. I have went from being positive about basically everything to someone who won't even spare a second thought about anything.

Seeing couples get engaged after us, and that same couples already taking several steps ahead of us in terms of wedding preparations, really tick me off. Because honestly, 9 months after being engaged, we haven't planned a single thing, nor scout for any deco/catering vendors, photography services and the likes.

We were supposed to be tying the knot earliest next year, latest in February 2015. We were SUPPOSED to. The engagement has been extended and the wedding is set to be on November 2015. I am against it, but who am I anyway, people won't listen to me anyway, or why I am against it.

But because we must always TRY to understand other people's plight, so we must ALWAYS accommodate to other people's needs.

Right.

Like as if my parent's aren't getting older. Look, my dad is 64. a RETIREE. I have some medical condition. And I have some unresolved family issues that I want to break away from BADLY and as soon as I possibly can. But people won't understand that. This year's Hari Raya, my grandaunt cried when she learnt that I was already engaged, she cried saying if she can ever live to see me get married. WHICH BREAKS MY HEART I cried too. I have never really shed my tears in front of people I'm not comfortable with, but I did.

Maybe I'm still lucky my father is still in the pink of health even with his existing high blood pressure and knee pain, and that he hasn't developed any kind of sickness from all the lazing around watching TV all day. What if something happens to him and he doesn't live to see me get married and have his own grandchildren? It's bad enough that his only son passed away much too soon and all he have now is me, the adopted daughter who he relies on.

9 months on since the engagement, and it feels like the world's on my shoulder. With nothing planned, with nothing that I had imagined in my mind being accomplished, I am now left with nothing but regrets.

I regretted I took the risk and agreed on the engagement proposal. Why did I say risk? I risked my time and effort in investing for someone to change. Because someone was insisting that the engagement is going to bring some good, the responsibility that arises from being engaged will pressure him to do better in life, will give him the drive to work harder.

But 3 months into the engagement, all that I felt was misery, disappointments, hurt, deceit.

It had come to a point where I just suddenly break down into tears at home and screamed, like a patient in IMH, that I wanted to break off the engagement. And that is when, my parents learnt of the truth. The cold, hard truth.

I am not one who shares problems openly with my parents, especially relationship problems. Because somehow, parents will often think that they are much more experienced and will know what's best for their children. If I let them know of my problems, they'll judge, especially my father, and they'll start to think negatively of my partner, something that I wish to avoid. Besides, if my parents learn of the bad traits of my partner, it isn't going to be something good because if my fate is to get married with that same flawed person, my partner will have to live the whole of his life with the negative stigma and being constantly judged.

I know I'm not perfect, that I'm flawed in my own ways. I know I didn't handle my relationship problems well in the initial phase of dating; blasting and flaring away on facebook and all that crap. But if you had treated me better, then I wouldn't have find any reasons to complain about. And now, after 3+ years, you expect me to read your facial expressions like a book, something that I seriously can't master.

3 years on, all the wishes and dreams I had carved in my head, disappeared into thin air.

I am now afraid of commitment. Afraid of committing my time, effort and money just to see it go to waste. Wasted by people who claimed to appreciate all that I've done but no traces of them reciprocating what I did for them. No, I'm not asking for anything in return, I'm just asking for you to realize where you stand and the responsibilities you should be taking.

I seriously am wondering how women who earns 3x more than their husbands survive through the marriage. Is it through give & take, mutual understanding or sharing the burden together? Even though I earn much more than him, I do expect him to be the one footing all the bills, and I'll just chip in on the menial expenditures.

At the rate that this post is going, probably you may think "what a money minded bitch this is". Which is partly true, yes, I admit that I'm all in for the money because it's not easy living in shitty Singapore. I might as well don't get married if marriage will only burden me and strip me off my comfortable life. And I'm only saying COMFORTABLE life, not a life full of luxuries. I don't ask for a Prada or a Chanel for my birthday, and I don't expect to be chauffeured around in cars, I'm pretty much a simple young lady who gets her way around in her own bike with a brandless slingbag bought off qoo10.sg .

What good is a marriage if a large part of my role is to be overtaking the duties that a husband is supposed to shoulder?

What good is a marriage if a wife isn't being treated the way she needs to be treated? Let's not talk about being a wife yet, as of now, no words could express how disappointed I am to not getting the treatment that a women is supposed to get.

With the engagement hitting turbulence when not a single thing has been planned for the wedding, I shudder to even think about the problems that may arise if we really got so far and tied the knot.  Because after marriage, the problems doesn't stop there. Perhaps it's a good thing we didn't manage to secure a ballot number for the HDB Build-to-order exercise early this year, otherwise I'm sure as heck I will be taking more risk and shoulder more responsibilities than I already am right now.

What if we had a house, and what if God grants me with a child 9 months after the wedding?

Who will foot the bills?
Who will pay for the renovation loans?
Who will foot the hospitalization bills?
Who will pay for groceries?
Who will be the one paying for most of the stuffs?

It's bad enough that I'm saving my side of the wedding on my own, and HE is able to split the cost of the wedding with his sister and the fiancé. So don't I deserve that extra attention and recognition since I'm a one man show when it comes to the expenses even though I earn ~3 times more than him?

Not sure if I should take more risk and wait till November twenty-fucking-fifteen and see if he has gotten his funds READY. because my wish is to get married and have kids by the time I turn 25, but in November 2015, I turn 26 and well, what's the point of hoping?

Someone refuse to understand of the condition I'm having. It's okay, I'm done being concern over other people and having other's interests at heart. I'm done sourcing out various means of improving oneself, because if you had cared, if you had the brains to think, you'd change right from the start you fell.

You know the saying "once bitten, twice shy"? I'm stupid enough to let myself be bitten countless of times yet still telling myself something positive will come out from this struggle. But I let myself struggle much to long and it's affecting me, the people around me. I should have turned into who I am the first few times shit happen, so that someone realizes the diamond that he's going to lose if he still decides to laze around and continue being useless to his ownself and he people around him.

I felt like I've been taken advantage of more than ever, and that I deserve much better treatment than what I'm getting now.

It's disappointing enough that someone whom you thought you loved and loved you back treat you this way. That someone feels that it's okay to be living off someone else's hard earned money. That it's okay to not take the initiative to improve and help shred the weight of the burden on someone else's shoulder.

It's easy to say that you appreciate my efforts, but right now I really appreciate if you could have proven that my efforts is indeed instilling a sense of change in yourself.

Oh wait, there's no more chances for you now. I might be gone even before you know it.

Yours Truly,
The fiancée whom you never knew.

Holiday 2013: Bali day 2 (PICTURE HEAVY!)

Had our breakfast at the hotel's restaurant. just an easy meal of vegetarian fried rice and sausages

 

Our first destination was to Jalan Pratama Tanjung Benoa at Nusa Dua for water sports. well no pictures taken because my phone sucks. it was just a short few hours as we only took the big mable (sort of like a lying down, uncollapsible version of banana boat) and the sea walker whereby we had those astronaut-like helmets with oxygen supply attached to our heads and we only had to like walk on the seabed and feed the fish whilst the accompanying diver took photos and videos of us. have yet to view the video though. next we went to padang-padang beach, supposedly raved because of some Hollywood actress had her shoot there.

 

lots and lots and lots of steps! and it's soooo freaking hot!!!

enjoy the superb views ...

can't describe how calming it is here. small stretch of beach with not much human traffic

pencake anyone?

small booths for selling shawls, scarves, tshirts, caps etc~

not sure how they split the cliff to make such staircase but there's one spot where you have to tilt your body sideways to go up/down the steps

more and more and more upward steps. tired dey!

a must go if you don't mind the high temperature!

 

we proceed to uluwatu temple next. another loooooooooooooong arduos walk just to see the beautiful scenery.

I was attacked by a monkey at this spot! it climbed my head and scratched my cap. booo~ thanks ah! thanks to these monkeys I cant wear my cap or my sunglasses. my eyes hurt from the sun's glare. ):

 

let the pictures tell a thousand story.

 

i'm a person who likes to get to know about other's cultures. like why they have so much of these weavings and what leaves are they made from. but sometimes it's just hard when you're travelling with someone who's on her first holiday. hahaha she can't even adapt to the Indonesian/Balinese accent lor!

 

she really can blend with the locals. abeh offended when people thinks she's indon!

-_-"

 

was too shagged to go anywhere else for sightseeing so the driver took us to Jimbaran to have our dinner and to also catch the sunset. wanted to watch the Kecak dance but it coincides with the sunset so I gave it a pass. would have loved to watch the Kecak and Barongan dance but since time is sooooo limited and we were too tired to proceed any further, let's just say this was quite a wasted trip.

 

We reached the restaurant about 4plus. technically rot our afternoon away till it is cool enough to transfer to the outdoor table on the beach whereby we can see the sunset clearer.

the table number assigned to you, MOVES WITH YOU. not because it is for ease of order, it is specially assigned to you so that after your meal, you can just tell the valet your assigned number and the valet will call your driver for you. so you need go all out to find your driver. ooh now I know!

 

so our food came! yummyyy!!!

look! the sun is setting!!!!

my advise is, if you have more time in Bali, spread out your activities. especially if you're bringing along senior citizens as I doubt they'll be able to take in all the walking and the climbing up and down the infinity steps. pack yourself bottled water and keep yourself hydrated.

By the way, the restaurant we went to isn't really halal because they serve alcoholic beverages. but they serve purely seafood, no red meat products and the rest, tawakkal aje. anyway the fish & prawns are grilled and spread with garlic sauce. the red chilli crab is supeeeeeeeeeeerrrb I tell you. shall upload the location of the restaurant in another post because Microsoft surface RT is being such a bitch it is practically incompatible with everything.