This 2 days have been a real blow to myself and the whole of my family. Rushed to Changi General Hospital after my second morning shift to visit Nenek who was critically ill. I initially thought that she has that hope of recovery seeing her condition being stable and all. She was responsive and squeezed my hands when i was talking to her and rubbing her cold palms.
Today, things took a 360 degree turn. When i reached the hospital, her blood pressure was dropping, though her heartbeat was beating normal. She was only assisted by the breathing machine, but was taken off the dialysis because her kidneys failed on her this morning. Her nasogastric fluid was also taken off because her body was rejecting any food entering her body.
It shook me, alot of times. I was praying she pull through this ordeal alive, but yet again it will be torturing for herself even if she were to survive. Hours passed, and her condition slowly declined. Dad asked if the doctor will pull her off her life support anytime soon. The doctor only answered that her heartrate's still beating normally thus it's a very hard decision to make. Her heartbeat will start dropping once her blood pressure is too low to even pump blood out. The reason for her low blood pressure even though her heartbeat's normal was due to her heart being unable to pump properly. It can expand but couldn't contract well.
Ya Allah, only you knew how i felt.
Flashbacks. flashbacks. Who would knew this year would be the last that I will be seeing you on Hari Raya? Who knew that this year, you wanted to eat the Marble Cake, i was supposed to bake it for you but I didn't. Who knew, I will never get to spend time with you anymore at Sengkang? Who knew. Who knew?
Nenek, you're in a better place now. You can be reunited with Tok Weng, abang Zul. I know you started to forget things when you first lost arwah Zul in 1998. When I lost tok weng i was too young, but I was aware that Tok had already gone "somewhere far".
Really. This ordeal, both mine and nenek's, taught me that promises should be kept, fulfilled and not delayed. You may never know if the promise will just remain a promise when that particular person is gone. Yes, we should say InshaAllah instead of promising someone, but there's a reason why it means "if Allah wills it". We're only human but to keep to our words will reflect on what type of a person we are. And by keeping to our words, we may indirectly prevent someone from going with a sense of resentment, which will only make you regret because you may never have the chance to tell the person how he or she means to you.
Maybe what I'm talking doesn't make any sense. I'm just too shocked, sad and lonely now. Someone who's supposed to be with me, disappeared to nowhere. Which surprises me because he can find the most convenient time to appear out of nowhere, but when i clearly needed someone, he's nowhere. He didn't even ask about my well being, he didn't even ask about how Nenek is doing, judging from the severity of the posts i put up on Facebook.
Perhaps I may partly be at fault because i never paid much attention to his family's well being. But he should have known by now how Family means to me. I'm unlike him, I do care about my family, my cousins and such. I care about their well being, irregardless of mom or dad's side.
If I didn't care about my family, I wouldn't cry when grandaunt cried when she mentioned about not being able to see me get married. Ya Allah, now I lost someone dear to me, I'm really out of words. Perhaps she may have alot of great-grandchildren, but I'm sure that deep inside, she wants to see a great-grandchild from her eldest son.
I may not be related directly to Nenek by flesh & blood, but she shows no indifference to me. There's no terms like adopted grandchild, whatsoever.
I will need to learn to show that i appreciate people around me, because right now, that's my biggest weakness. It's this ego that's hard to rid, probably because i was just raised that way. I care, but i don't show.
I'm going to miss you alot, dear Nenek.
And to you Muslim readers,
Do offer your al-fateha for my Nenek, Mymoon Binte Lambat.
Al-fateha.
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