My 4 years of bitter experience with the ex taught me so many things, but at the expense of me constantly being buried under heaps of insecurities of paranoia. I didn't ask to be this way, I didn't ask to have feelings. Somehow I feel like it's wrong for me to have feelings.
Like you said, you also had your fair share of your bitter past. Everyone has their own stories that they shudder to even recall. But everyone handles their problems differently. Just because you can handle your past with such calmness, with aid of prayers, doesn't mean the outcome will be the same for others.
I didn't ask or beg for you to understand me, because I don't understand myself at times either. I can safely say that I have let the past go, but is it wrong for me to feel paranoid and afraid that the past will repeat itself?
My issues with parents, they are ongoing, I can never change that fact, I can never change their mindset. I'm learning to deal with it, learning to just suck it all in and pretend nothing ever happened.
If you ask me how's my wedding preparations are going, I can tell you, nothing has been done or settled. I have less than 2 years to go till the big day, and now I can only just say, tentatively, I have less than 2 years left till I become someone's Mrs. That heart wrenching feeling i have in my heart when i now have to say the word "tentatively". Tentatively okay, not even "In Shaa Allah".
I didn't lost my mood when talking about the wedding. I lost my mood when I get thrown redundant questions, and then all the accusations. And then you ... you had to say you didn't want to talk about it. You make me feel like I'm a burden. I didn't stop you from focusing on school. I didn't stop you from spending your money.
I don't know what people want from me. I tried so hard to be the best for myself. I tried so hard not to be a burden to anyone financially. Because i learnt that money is the root of all evil. Guess I still haven't found someone who could really take me for who I am, inside and out. The voices in my head, the paranoia, the insecurities, the past that constantly haunts because I fear having to go through the same ordeal again.
You make me doubt myself.
I know you've your hands full with work, prospin, soon school, having to save up for the big day. I trust you enough that you know what you're doing but if it's wrong for me to clarify then just say so. Breaking off from the previous engagement was hard enough for me and I assume it was also hard for my parents as well as they had to ask for second opinions from other people about the situation I was in. I can say that they've pinned hopes on you to take care of me in the near future and I could understand if they're constantly asking about whether the dates have been confirmed.
I don't mind having to settle everything on my own but when it comes to wedding, it sure needs two hands to clap. I don't know who to open up to because I didn't want to blurt out about the problems we have. Here I am trying my very best to save your face even though we seldom have arguments but when we DO have one it's something major.
My facebook posts have been generic. Assholes would assume they're constantly about you but those close to me knows better. I'm not sure when you'll come across this post, but when you do, please don't flare up.
I have about 1 hour till end of shift and I'm not looking forward to knock off from work. I have such a sad life I know.
I'm just left speechless.
No comments:
Post a Comment