Pent up anger.

Sometimes i wished i'm eloquent enough to put my emotions in words, words that actually made sense. I guess throughout all these years all that i've been doing is actually just keeping myself busy and running away from reality.

I am torn apart between having to appreciate and be grateful for what i have now, knowing that i'm adopted from another family, that the parents i have now manage to provide me shelter and food, and spend thousands up till i graduate from polytechnic.

But i'm also torn apart between having to constantly listen to their demands and conforming to their ideologies up till this day. What am i? 15? Reality is setting in now that i'll be turning 26 in 7 months time and still be treated like a schoolkid.

You know how i feel? I feel suffocated. I just hope wedding preparations start soon enough to keep myself very busy and take my mind away from all these thoughts.

Sometimes i don't know how to elaborate how i'm feeling. It's just a repetitive cycle, feelings that i constantly pent up and flare up at the most random timings. Which is probably why i dread the thought of being alone on my off days. Unfortunately, i've accidentally got myself accustomed to fiance's presence. Too accustomed that i get frustrated that no one's there with me when i most needed him.

I grew up one angry kid. Till now, i'm still pretty much an angry girl. I am angry for letting others control my life since young. And i'm angry that it still hasn't stopped even after working full time for 6 years. I support my ownself now. Sometimes i wish i could just adopt the western mentality and move out, stay on my own and learn the struggles on my own. I know i'll struggle for abit especially with the household chores but i know for sure that i'll be able to cope.

I don't deny that i constantly have thoughts to run away from home. It's childish enough that i still have that thoughts at 26. But what kept me from doing so is, having to be "appreciative and grateful" towards my adoptive parents.

Hais.

I wish people would understand why i'm constantly having mood swings but i guess it won't be of much help. There's too much on my mind and it's bad enough that well... i'm quite deprived of freedom.

That feeling when you see your friends out enjoying with their friends. I'm human too you know. I need to relax. To destress. But all that i have now isn't just helping. And what did i even do till people have to constantly doubt whatever you say? Which was why i'm done trying to explain myself.

There's still alot. I just can't find the right words to say. It breaks me. But i still find ways to pull my shit together and ignore the feelings. Because it's ongoing, i can never run away totally from them.

Hais.