trust.

sometimes i wonder what else i should do in order to get the trust i needed. sometimes i wonder what did i do in the past to deserve this kind of treatment. i don't see how going home late is a sign of immaturity. i don't see how praying 5 times a day and putting on the hijab automatically makes one a righteous or pious person.

i will change, but i won't show.

i don't see a point in proving to people i've changed by telling or showing them that i'm praying, or telling the whole godamn world how deep is my knowledge of Islam. Call me naive, call me shallow, I have my own ways. And yes, i know that some of you will say that I have, no, I NEED to change now before it's too late.

One thing for sure, I don't see how fulfilling my obligations as a Muslim will have THEM trust me. You see, not everyone who PRAYS can be trusted. I just don't understand how screwed THEIR minds have become. It's frustrating, too frustrating to be thinking about it, but yet I can't help myself or stop myself from thinking about it because it is THIS issue that suffocates me each and every single friggin' time.

Pardon me for looking back at the past but just take THE EX FIANCE for an example. Prays, preaches, but LOOK AT HIS GODAMN SELF. Can he be trusted? Is he even RELIABLE? Is he RESPONSIBLE? Is he HONEST? Is he HARDWORKING? No fucking bloody fucking NO.

It's because of people like him, I used to start losing it. I lost faith. Especially back on 17 November 2013, ahh yes my birthday (such an irony) when someone proudly proclaim, "I don't go for material or wealth, I think of the afterlife (akhirat)"..

*KRIIICKKK ... KRIIICKKK* dalam hati aku EYY ISAPBUAH SIAL!!!

But because I know God exist, religion exist, i held myself back. I may not be a good practicing Muslim, but i believe that I'll somehow find my own path one day. And now that I have Fairuz, we'll both work on this together, for the best of ourselves and the family that we'll build together.

Change need not be drastic, it can be gradual. What matters is you give yourself, you give others a chance to prove that they can change. What matters is that you provide the space for others to grow with the change, you give others the motivation they need because it's hard to go through change alone.

Like the Malay saying goes,
"tak susah jadi jahat, tak senang nak jadi baik." basically, it's EASY to dwindle into the wrong path but its very hard for you to change into a better person. Always remember every Saint has a past and that every sinner has a future.

Hopefully I still can salvage every ounce of patience left in me to endure whatever that I'm going through.