People fall in love in mysteeeerious ways ...
Well it's late night, supposed to be sleeping but I can't, and I let myself indulge in the most ridiculous thoughts. But nope, not tonight.
It struck me, how my current relationship with Fairuz is different from the ex.
Most days, I do admit that I fear history repeat itself. Because, Fai has a looong way to go before reaching his dreams, and somehow I let myself be the woman who'll support her man (again) and in time to come, we'll both reap the benefits that we have sowed for the past few years. But really, that's about it.
I do not have to financially support Fai. I do not have problems trusting Fai. Even if I'm earning 2.5x more than him, I trust him enough to be able to take care of himself, and not misuse the trust given to him. On bad days we'll help each other, but only to a certain extent.
Being with Fai, other than us sharing the same goals we have in the near future, somehow he helps me be a better person. He is dominant, in the right way. For someone like me, who have led others all along, I certainly need someone who is able to guide me, and sometimes, walk alongside me irregardless of the situation. Unlike the ex, who I have to constantly spoonfeed, help, guide, SUPPORT (omg for 4 fucking years i don't and i can't fucking believe it), the ex even got the fucking cheek to talk about religion when all he's been doing is live off a woman LOL sometimes i feel like i'm the one who has a fucking penis.
Okay back to Fai (why am i even ranting about that asshole? ah yes, i still haven't forgiven him.). He may not have everything in the world, but he has qualities in him that is hidden from the world (specifically, the country) that places heavy emphasis on certificates and merit. It amazes me how street smart he is, how he is always full of ideas, and when it comes to mental calculation, he does it better than me, much much much better.
We have our own sideline projects we do on our free time to help ourselves get by. Fai puts in the effort to do HIS OWN research on the things that I can do with my new toy. And yes I am still not revealing what is that new toy. The ex did nothing about it when i showed interest in getting the new toy. And that, was why my plans was shelved for a good 2 to 3 years, until I met Fai, got engaged, decided to take that idea off the shelves and put it to good use. Alhamdulillah, I'm doing good.
That is the sort of effort that I appreciate. I do not ask for anything material because 1- i am not a high maintenance girl, 2- now is not a good time to be a spoilt brat because we're saving up for that big 1 day event just to watch people eat and force ourselves to smile. I am that simple, and Fai knows how to appreciate that.
Fai deals with my ugly inner voices. He doesn't ignore. Yes, I don't deny sometimes the argument may get ugly, but which relationship survives without argument? I'll just take it with a pinch of salt and regard it as an obstacle, one that tests our patience and temper.
It kinda doesn't help that we're some sort of a reflection of each other. Hot tempered, stubborn, and other nice qualities i shall not say because i ... do not self praise myself lol. so when one rages, the other has to be the fire extinguisher.
So much is happening right now that sometimes i do not know where i should start or stop, but i rather it be that way because it keeps my mind off things. My inner voices, they're not something nice. I do not know how to make it stop, but i can only distract it by keeping the mind busy.
