I'm still struggling to recover from the failed 4 years relationship, to be honest. Well, after all those socializing, i thought i had settled in well into my new "life".
Well, that was where I was wrong.
In crowds, that's when i felt lonelier than i ever was. That feeling of being alone even though you're surrounded by people. Which is probably why I just choose to stay at home or have my "alone" time somewhere secluded. As time passes by, I am just comfortable just being on my own.
I don't deny that I have this yearning to be with someone. But I guess I'll just take my own damn sweet time to really open up myself to someone. Truth be told, I do not believe that good MALAY guys exist, even if they do, they are most probably already taken by someone else.
I no longer feel the need to lower myself, or even lower my expectations just to fit into someone's life. If "he" feels like he lacks something, then "he" should do all that he can to try and please me if "he" claims that he "loves" me. Love? What's that? Hah~
Well, someone insisted that it's time i open up my heart and let him come into my life and change things. But oh, when I mentioned about his tattoo, how did he react? HA-HA. Well, I don't really mind about the tattoos though. But if my parents dislike guys with tattoos to be my prospective boyfriend, what more a husband? In the first place, I don't favour him enough for me to open up myself to him, let alone fall for him and not mind about his tattoos and go against my parent's wishes.
Yea. It's just that stigma that people with tattoos are bad people. Yaaaa yaaa. People change yadda yadda yadda. You know what? Shut .. the ... fuck .. up. You don't understand my parents, so shut up.
Nowadays, the guys that i come across are mainly those typical malays. If they're not a lazy scum, he'll be that potential "i-will-cheat-on-you-behind-your-back" kinda person. Dear prince charming, where art thou?
I'm trying so hard to forget everything that happened. Trying sooo sooo hard. Sooo hard it makes me break into tears at the most random times. I know people have been saying this and that, but those sacrifices I made, were they not enough?
I know that I shouldn't harp and hold onto the past. It's just that hard. And some people have been saying that I'm desperate to find a replacement. Look, I don't get it. Which part of holding on to the past indicates that I'm desperate to love and be loved? I'm not the slightest jealous even if you and your other half stand in front of me and act lovey dovey, cuddling and kissing in front of me.
It's just hard to explain. Just .. so .. hard.
Is it just so hard to only want the best for yourself? I do want the best for myself, which is why i'm taking my damn own sweet time to heal and allow others to read me like an open book.
I learnt to be selfish because of you.
